Tuesday, July 02, 2019

I feel like I'm at a low point and a lot of it is because I don't feel like I'm getting the love from my son or the appreciation or the respect ....i lot because im startinglike a real loser because I'm not getting ass back from this duration of need contract where you don't get fired but you just don't get asked back and they don't have to give you any reason why they're not asking you back... I try so hard sometimes and for what pointless reason.. a few days ago I was actually feeling good but then I got some rejections again after all of these interviews and like I was trying to tell my doctor whether I was just depressed or just sad because I feel like a failure and my son calls me a loser and today I actually was just crying because I felt so frustrated because he prefers to be with his mother..8 yet I pay her rent I work so hard and she's not even working and she wants to spend most of the time with my son and I hurt so much ...and I wish I wish that I could talk to an older colin a little more mature and would be a little bit more understanding. but even his dad is fragile and it hurts... I'm crying right now just frustrated... feel so overwhelmed wondering what I'm going to do wondering how I can pay all those taxes, property taxes that are owed in Australia and I just don't feel appreciated.. I work so hard and I know I can do a great job and I've know I've done a good job I just for me being me I feel not appreciated... maybe the fact that I've gone without alcohol not that I drank very much maybe one or two apple ciders or even a beer but realizing how much I would feel better if I just had a big toll one right now but I'm trying to fight the urge but maybe that's why I'm just getting a little depressed and it's night after having an argument with the ex because she wanted to have my son three nights in a row. what row dot-d.... He is listening to me right now and he responds when I talk to my blog, "yeah so Dad?" he be so mean to me and his mom... and I guess it's karma(?) for perhaps when I was mean to my parents.. but I would never dare be as mean or disrespectful to my father as to what I tolerate from my son .. g and he was really nice and respectful to his uncle Ron and he actually read to him but I'm not forceful enough I just let things happen and I just let people f****** me over. why does life have to be such a struggle... I know things could be a lot harder and at least I have a little cushion of a little money saved up... but I should be able to get a special ed job but I feel like the forces are against me and I'm embarrassed even though the circumstances I'm just I'm just been very unlucky like continually losing a backgammon and I thought this year would be a victory in my mind with the students I thought it was a victory... I wanted to be a victory with being a good father but I have to be tough and we have to seek out co-counseling...

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