Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Im sorry

I'm sorry that I describe my feelings when im hurt and that some read too much into what others write...

I have made many mistakes in my life.. I love my son and have very little control over him since he's in another state... I'm sorry that I didn't have the courage to face the judge when we came back from New Zealand and prove to the judge that a father deserves joint custody (regardless of the courts favoring the woman most of the time)... part of me wishes that we stayed far away from those controlling women...

I'm sorry that there is censorship... I'm sorry that I censor my own feelings for fear of losing friendships, but when I get yelled at, rather than have confrontation, I would rather write about it..
and wish that they never knew about my blog

I'm sorry that I made the mistake of telling some folks a long while ago that I have this blog which was to remain an anonymous diary of my feelings.. I'm sorry that I have a nosy neighbor who loves to spy on all the neighbors from his camper, and come to court to tell the judge about my behavior so he can help a bully con man stay in my place for free, but happy the judge told him to shut up in the middle of bully rodent's rant!

I'm sorry that many people do not like me , for just being myself...I'm sorry that you don't respect me and want to yell at me and make me feel like an idiot.

I love my friend and his company. I'm sorry that you don't want me to see him.

on a good note, I filled out all the paperwork for my new teaching job... but  fear prevents me and censors me  from writing anymore
 

Sunday, June 25, 2017

I think when im herbally creative ..... I know others read this and pass judgment just as they would pass judgment on a homosexual in or out of the closet...

I was allowed and hour and half with my best friend of 83rd street with a complimentary gift from my friend....

enjoying our great conversation , but the leash remains tight, and I hear "just my imagination" ,
and wonder what causes people to control their loved ones lives...
I think of my xwife and mother in law who control my son.  When he is with me , he loves his freedom ...



had a semi good day, with my verbal diareah of the mouth to listening ears, a life story heard for the 50th time and then on to paseo , bingeing on conversating after being lonely without my son,,, the old man escapes from his cave of comfort

Friday, June 23, 2017

They wouldn't meet me halfway, or actually more mileage for me to give my son back to the xin laws... but my son's grandpa bought us dinner which was the nicest dinner I've had with my x father in law...

They both saw me crying, couldn't hold back the tears when I had to say bye to my son...
the grandpa said it sucked that I couldn't see him more often...
I realized the old man had some empathy...


Ill be starting a new job in high school work with the special needs students and emotionally disturbed kids...
The school saw that I did a very good job and were impressed when I subbed at all the schools in the district.

For the introduction they are wanting to know more about me , so I said  that I love surf swim races and was a volunteer life guard.. I love a great game of chess and feel I can make an impact at the school like I did in the New Mexico Indian reservation for 3 years!

coincidentally this daily Om showed up today:

A Great Teacher

by Madisyn Taylor
Water is a great teacher that shows us how to move through the world with grace, ease, determination, and humility.
The journey of water as it flows upon the earth can be a mirror of our own paths through life. Water begins its residence on earth as it falls from the sky or melts from ice and streams down a mountain into a tributary or stream. In the same way, we come into the world and begin our lives on earth. Like a river that flows within the confines of its banks, we are born with certain defining characteristics that govern our identity. We are born in a specific time and place, within a specific family, and with certain gifts and challenges. Within these parameters, we move through life, encountering many twists, turns, and obstacles along the way just as a river flows.

Water is a great teacher that shows us how to move through the world with grace, ease, determination, and humility. When a river breaks at a waterfall, it gains energy and moves on, as we encounter our own waterfalls, we may fall hard but we always keep moving on. Water can inspire us to not become rigid with fear or cling to what's familiar. Water is brave and does not waste time clinging to its past, but flows onward without looking back. At the same time, when there is a hole to be filled, water does not run away from it in fear of the dark; instead, water humbly and bravely fills the empty space. In the same way, we can face the dark moments of our life rather than run away from them.

Eventually, a river will empty into the sea. Water does not hold back from joining with a larger body, nor does it fear a loss of identity or control. It gracefully and humbly tumbles into the vastness by contributing its energy and merging without resistance. Each time we move beyond our individual egos to become part of something bigger, we can try our best to follow the lead of the river

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

time flies :(

very sad , last full day with my son, so Ill make sure to take him our favorite Chinese Buffet... summer solstice ... and need to write a note to my more confident self after ive taken in all the necessary paperwork for my new job... excited but the paranoia takes over sometimes, when I worry I'll lose it before I get it...

summer solstice is today, and I feel the energy... my son won our monopoly game I could get for $2.00 at the thrift store,

it was great seeing him win and my own talents at money genetically inherent in my son...  enjoying as many moments as I can... Maybe when I get a little money for finally renting, I can be more confident that I'll make it before the first paycheck... just have to do one day at a time...

I love my son so much and I'm happy I'll be able to have another two weeks before I start working!

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

The word Siddhartha is made up of two words in Sanskrit language, siddha (achieved) + artha (what was searched for), which together means "he who has found meaning (of existence)" or "he who has attained his goals".[


It was just on Pbs , before we went to the library, and I had a power nap earlier while watching , Jeff Sessions (attorney general), refuse to talk about his conversations for his corrupt, crooked, bully , boss, President Trump.   I was motivated to briefly see if Siddartha was an inspiration for me and me life, while I enjoy my brief 4 weeks with my beautiful son. Maybe the Powers that be are telling me to enjoy every beautiful moment with my son while on this search for discovery...


Now I'm at the library, getting out of our hot house, while the AC barely works and the days get hotter and more humid.. our respite has been the cool library... I have little money and debating about putting a window unit with what little credit limit I have on my credit card... overwhelmed with bills , but choosing to enjoy as many moments with my son...
He can earn as much as $5 per day. He has been saving each time to use it his playstation games.. he is obsessed with videos and I'm excited that he has my creative spirit making his own blog!

Friday, June 09, 2017

Just chatted with the sped director at the school, where I'm supposed to get the job and she said that

it's ridiculous that I haven't heard from them yet so I am anticipating the call very soon...
and then (knock on wood) we can celebrate...

hanging out here at the big huge library that is designed environmentally... had a great chat last night from Robin, who's a video producer and is doing a rpgram fro the Tony's  which will be Saturday night... hopefully soon everything will be falling into place...

its fun to reminisce about old times growing up in our neighborhood on Highland Parkway and walking to Ellwanger Barry school... dealing with all the bullies, Danny and Skippy Schey, Art Crapsey, Donald Trump (just kidding , he learnt how to be a bully in military academy and then got out of the draft because of flat feet with help from Dad, just as George B had help from his dad to avoid Vietnam)...

I would love to write a chapter about us growing up and the experiences which helped make us who we are!   I'm a little more pumped now after hearing possibly good news, but don't want to get my hopes up too much... so I am motivated by my eagerness and elation of the possibility of being in the ranks of the employed with good health care! (especially repukes destroying Obama Care and taking away Medicaid!)

Just heard back from the director and its just paperwork we are waiting on! I will help with the emotionally disturbed and students with learning disabilities... she said its so hard to find special ed teachers, which makes my job guarantee even better! 

Thursday, June 08, 2017

another gorgeous day with my son... happy  to be with him and just relax... not worry about anything for a week... even though I am worried when they will call me to sign in to the position...

happy that the nosy neighbors next door have gone for their summer trek....
the summer is starting to get warm... we are staying cool in the library!

fixed a pasta dinner , with special sauce (from aldis) on angel hair...with generous portions of parmesan cheese and a little olive oil to keep the fine strands from sticking...
Buffy licked the bowls!   and popsicles for desert frozen in my energy efficient hobbit frigerator with maybe 2 square feet of space...

the summer has been cool enough to enjoy the mornings with all the windows open, and go to library when it gets much above 80... we come home to a cool house, relative to ambient temp... enjoy a home cooked dinner ( he prefers my cooking to his controlling nana with the icy stare)...  the darker storm clouds in the east contrasted with the warm summer evening...
taking Buffy along with us.. and I felt so connected to my little family.. far off from the in laws who will take my son away again for a year... its already midway through my 4 weeks of summer with my son... I love him so much...



Wednesday, June 07, 2017

Worry

by Madisyn Taylor
Worry is an extension of fear and can also set you up for attracting that which you don't want in your life.
We have all had the experience of worrying about something at some point in our lives. Some of us have a habitual tendency to worry, and all of us have known someone who is a chronic worrier. Worry is an extension of fear and can be a very draining experience. In order for worry to exist, we have to imagine that something bad might happen. What we are worrying about has not happened yet, however, so this bad thing is by definition a fantasy. Understood this way, worry is a self-created state of needless fear. Still, most of us worry.

One reason we worry is because we feel like we're not in control. For example, you might worry about your loved ones driving home in bad weather. There is nothing you can do to guarantee their safe passage, but you worry until you find out they have reached their destination unharmed. In this instance, worry is an attempt to feel useful and in control. However, worrying does nothing to ensure a positive outcome and it has an unpleasant effect on your body, mind, and spirit. The good news is that there are ways to transform this kind of worry so that it has a healing effect. Just as worry uses the imagination, so does the antidote to worry. Next time you find that you are worrying, imagine the best result instead of anticipating the worst outcome. Visualize your loved ones' path bathed in white light and clearly see in your mind's eye their safe arrival. Imagine angels or guides watching over them as they make their way home. Generate peace and well-being instead of nervousness and unease within yourself.

Another reason we worry is that something that we know is pending but are avoiding is nagging us--an unpaid parking ticket, an upcoming test, an issue with a friend. In these cases, acknowledging that we are worried and taking action is the best solution. If you can confront the situation and own your power to change it, you'll have no reason to worry.


everything is going on that is crooked with our leader, so its easy to worry about our future... but this evil force that has taken over our office has brought many of us together in mutual desire to get rid of this despot... 

I worry about getting a full time teaching job, so I can have the confidence to take care of bills
Detached Peace

Sagittarius Horoscope

June 7, 2017
You could have a feeling of peace with yourself and this may mean that today you could approach things with a sense of calm and serenity. It might be that you understand that there is little in life that truly is of immediate concern and that by simply being present to the things that happen to you is enough. This might be a good chance to observe yourself and your life from the vantage point of an outside observer. If you can practice this form of detachment, you may notice that when things do occur, you are much more able to separate yourself and merely watch without getting too emotionally involved. While you may not wish to do this constantly, if you can look upon your life from a different perspective today, you may find it easier to let things go and maintain greater sense of overall wellbeing.
I have been trying to follow this principle for so long, but its still very hard to not take things personally, when a neighbor yells at you if you ask to borrow a cup of milk... I was taking it personally, when I should realize she was probably having a bad day and worried about her husbands health... it hurt when she referenced if the milk was for my son and just too lazy to get it myself , ... and I had just visited the store and forgot the milk :(   .... then being ignored when I say Hi... I try to say how my confident self (when I get the teaching job) would cheer me up ... to say don't let it bother you!

 Being able to once in a while detach from our emotions and situations can give us a much more mindful awareness of ourselves, our actions, and of the present moment. At the moments when everything seems right with the world it is easy to forget that this inner serenity is fleeting – one minute we may be calm and the next we might notice something that upsets us. But by learning to detach from the constant change that pervades everyday life today, you will be able to remain in the present, see that the things that happen to you will come to pass, and will experience true peace of mind.

Tuesday, June 06, 2017

lazy days of summer , hoping and waiting for that call... worried that something will prevent me from getting the teaching job... this job will give me such a boost of confidence... the school district needs so many special ed teachers...
  I know the school wants me as the assistant principal said that other teachers were very impressed when I was teaching...
It is wonderful to wake up and see my son... I am trying to be with him as much as I can, as it will be a long drought when I don't see him...  the summer had the warmest day after a nice cool spell before it gets really hot...


I will get the courage to face the obstacles... I feel my old childhood friend, who is only a couple months older , but looks much younger , has really inspired me... inviting me to his wedding has done so  much...


I am inspired to write a lot more...I need to write about the Mermaids and put the story together...

Monday, June 05, 2017

Still hoping that the school hires me... They said they liked me and just  have to wait for the background check, but I already did that . The district needs teachers really badly considering that Oklahoma might become the poorest paid teachers in the US.

I sure would like to write my book and find the way to success... so many things that I have to do...

Im loving spending time each day with my son... I went to the Aldis to get food on my card.. subbing does not pay the bills... but then I forgot the milk... so I wanted to be back in time for the "view"... and then thought need just a little milk for Colin's cereal and for my freshly ground coffee.. thought Id bring my coffee with me, expecting my good friend to answer...
instead his angry wife is waiting for me in the driveway...said this is the last time I can ask for milk... and started yelling at me at if this milk was for my son?  ... I wasn't emotionally awake enough to deal with a tsunami of anger when I have so many overwhelming issues, when I'm in a fragile state of happiness (??) , so I set the milk down and walked back across the street...

I called my friend and he told me to answer the door and she was waiting with the cup of milk.. I thanked her and avoided eye contact....

I finished chatting and my friend encouraged to come over with my milk infused warming coffee while I laughed mixed with crying watching my son beat up and kill others on this hilariously violent video/game... parts hitting... I know what few readers out there might pass judgement that I'm allowing him to watch it... but I'm just so happy that Im with my son for half the summer!

Its so easy to be overwhelmed with tasks in the future and getting old...

after recovering from the drama.. I walk back and enjoy coffee with my friend who now has to have an extra liter of oxygen per day.. he was hooked up to it... I worry about him ,,,



Friday, June 02, 2017

first week of summer with my son

Im much happier when Im with my son... even when I have to figure the best way to control his temper tantrums..

living happily as a poor man with the sub teaching money... which wont last me till (hopefully) , I get the job... they asked for my birthday.. and the secretary knows how well I work there...whom I dropped off my only rose from my newly trimmed tiny bush and flower from mom's magnolia tree present... its giving off the most beautiful flowers all over the tree.. giving a beautiful sub tropical scent... reminding me of living by the sea..

we attempted to play  a new (used) game from the thrift store for only $2 (bought connect 4 for 2 bucks too!),,,, my son gets impatient and doesn't want to hear the directions... he doesn't like his throw to see who goes first...he gets angry so I let him go first.. then doesn't the understand the way the game works when I try to explain it...then I roll a good roll, and because both of us didn't fully understand how pac man eats the ghost, and trying to get him to understand, he walks out in a tantrum... he walks to the end of the block.. my old legs don't attempt to chase him... I see him walk out of view , so I look for my flip flops so I can go after him in the bike.. he sneaks by when im getting on the bike... he is way more sneaky than his dad...

when I come back I tell him he will probably lose computer privileges and has another tantrum/..
we end up watching a shitty movie(XMAS OFFICE PARTY")with snl actors, who didn't even make me laugh...I fall asleep watching.... but happy Ive been with my son and can see him all day to make up for the months ive missed him since the x took him away again... I should be happy we had a year together... I will do my best to enjoy every moment with him!

Thursday, June 01, 2017

May 1, 2013Inquisitive Explorations
Sagittarius Daily Horoscope

You may be probing others today for the truth that lies behind their opinions. This may be because of your quest for a deeper understanding of what makes people tick. Since it is interesting and fun to question and investigate what interests you further, you might find that this a perfect opportunity to not only get at the truth in your interactions but also use this as a chance to arrive at your own greater truth. You can, for example, think about what is fascinating about other people, using this as a catalyst for reflection to try to think about what may intrigue others about you. Being open to a more profound questioning of yourself today could make you seem much more open to others, which could make them more willing to divulge their ideas and feelings more candidly.

Our desire to comprehend the inner workings of other people often stems from our own need to understand ourselves. It can be easy to scrutinize someone else, asking them to reveal what is going on inside of them. While this might be interesting for us, it is only truly an exercise in exploration if we use it as a chance to also look within ourselves. When we do this, we create a bond of trust that will foster a more authentic form of communication with others. Looking within yourself first will make it easier for you to use your curiosity as a chance for greater growth and understanding today.


from daily OM
another gorgeous day of summer enjoying a lazy summer morning with my son, hanging out with my son now when it gets hot in the afternoon! we need to come in here more often so that I can write creatively to you more often...

think often of our wonderful avatar like stay with a hippy family, falling in love with Cecelia, and the wonderful feeling of being in love... and a Spartan invigorating existence on this little school bus with a very beautiful strong woman originally from England choosing a hippy commune life in the Coramandel Peninsula.. .. we could so easily have stayed there, but I knew I had to the right thing, knowing the consequences would be at worse divorce and my sons childhood growing moments taken from me...
now he sits beside me 4 years older... to be continued

Well I decided to try a new theme for this blog… Sometimes I’m amazed at all the posts that I’ve written over the years and comes up 2000s...