Sunday, February 07, 2010

The surf swim didn't happen today...the waves were too rough and there was a constant heavy rain coming down on us and I still found that the surf class was going on...
according to the instructor, I'm not ready for the assesment on Saturday, but that was an incentive for me to learn everything I can just in case he let's me get tested with the rest of the class..It's all about saying and knowing the right script ... but because I was asking too many questions, I obviously looked incompetent and it was embarassing..dealing with all the shit that has happened to me recently, it was straw that broke the camel's back..

it's Thursday and I still feel very embarassed and my own attention/listening deficit hit home hard like a hard wave slapping hard against the water and then again against the sand..
the instructor impatiently tells me to hold the patients head with a pistol grip
then he asks me to do several things at was as if I needed subtitles and could slow the movie down...I couldnt process what he was saying and he might as well have been speaking Spanish to me
"weren't you watching the others and listening to what they were saying??"
the whole class watches me for the indoor rainy lesson and I can feel their eyes on me and that just makes me more self concious... It was like I was in a college play in front of hundreds and I forgot the script ...
"yes, I was listening ..."
I didnt know what else to say and felt uncomfortable telling the whole the class that this middle aged man desperately wanting his bronze has ADD or poor listening skills..
after the class the instructor told me that I wasn't ready for the assesment outside in the surf Saturday morning ...I almost begged him that I would be ready and I would pay for the cost of the test, $12.50
I went home and cried as a little boy was the last straw on the old camel's back..
I could handle my house burning down and my wife's issues with the overwhelming worries of motherhood, but this final slap in my face hit home hard on my own emotional state of being
accentuated by the very wet stormy weather as I bicycled home
just wanting to cry in my long deceased mother's arms...
I sat there going over the workbook I had to fill out
sensing the futility
but then I was determined to fight
and talk to the instructor determined to take the test for my Bronze so that I could be a volunteer life guard on Mermaid Beach...
I saw him and told him that I was ADD... he said that I should have told him sooner but that I would let down the team on testing if I didn't know what to do basically...
so still determined and angry (more at my own listening disability), I practiced with the volunteer lifeguards on the Sunday Avo shift...
this made me feel so much better
and then I visited with my favorite veteran lifeguard and he went over the drills with me...
I am still hoping that I will be able to take the pretest on Saturday and the final assesment on Sunday!

(from the daily OM)"
Our tribe members are those people who accept us as we are and gladly accompany us on our journeys of evolution.

Part of being human is the search for an individual identity. Bound to this strong need to establish a unique persona, however, is an equally intense desire for acceptance. It is when we find our individual tribes that both are satisfied. Our tribe members are those people who accept us as we are without reservation and gladly accompany us on our journeys of evolution.

Among them, we feel free to be our imperfect selves, to engage unabashedly in the activities we enjoy, and to express our vulnerabilities by relying on our tribe for support. We feel comfortable investing our time and energy in the members of our tribe, and are equally comfortable allowing them to invest their resources in our development.

The individuals who eventually become members of your unique tribe are out there in the wide world waiting for you. You are destined to find them, one by one, as you move through life. Sometimes your own efforts will put you in contact with your future tribe members. At other times, circumstances beyond your control will play a role in helping you connect with your tribe. If you look about you and discover that you are already allied with a wonderful and supportive tribe, remember that there are likely many members of your tribe you have not yet met. On the other hand, if you feel you are still living outside of your tribe, broadening your horizons can help you find your tribe members.

However your life develops after you come together with your tribe, you can be assured that its members will stand at your side. On the surface, your tribe may seem to be nothing more than a loose-knit group of friends and acquaintances to whom you ally yourself. Yet when you look deeper, you will discover that your tribe grounds you and provides you with a sense of community that ultimately fulfills many of your most basic human needs.

These daily oms seem to always hit exactly where I have been feeling...when I search for my utopia I've been hoping to find the friends that I feel comfortable and who will like me and my family for who they are!

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