Sunday, August 30, 2009


ok... we are fighting depression... How do we deal with it?? first of all we have to come to terms with the disability, accept it... and get in the zone of combatting the daily challenge of whatever "disability" we may have that makes us worry??... fear of death fear of not being loved or of falling into and out of love... hmmm, now here I can at least go for a swim into the deep blue ocean...
there are boogie boarders and board surfers
all with black wet suits... so in my old shell I swim out there in my surf Mermaid Beach lifesaving speedos...
years of accumulated blubber my only insulation
Add Image oh and a beard with a little growth on the sides of my head I'm again one with the ocean regardless of how cold it gets... there is a bond with the water where we opened up the small box of ashes of our parents' remains... thats probably one of the biggest fears.. first Mom and then Dad... my other soulmate left me and seeing her being buried in the cold winter ground,
it all sinks deep into my memories
so I go on...
get out of bed and
go for a surf in the rejuvenating waters of Mermaid Beach...
yeh, mate!, no worries.. be happy!
that would make the loved ones happy...

Friday, August 28, 2009

so what is the best revenge for people who hate you, despise you, disrespect you or just enjoy making your life miserable??

happiness :) and a healthy life...

just
being around a little bit longer enjoying the view!!

Monday, August 24, 2009



another day as the world turns around our Colin Murray!!
I shouldn't worry but that is only natural for parents...
we could be having so much fun but the worries of parenting can overwhelm a couple...
but how simple can I make our low carbon imprint lifestyle without both of us having nervous breakdowns...
mom in law is helping uis out while my honey gets stabilized...
my main vulnerability is the diapers
he will have a very poopy diaper when he wakes up at 530 am before dawn
when Mom IL leaves, I will have to get up..
maybe if I leave the curtain open so the light will wake me up..

he is almost standing up on his own now!! he puts his hand on my leg and then almost lets go for a second...
now he is opening up my suitcase with his ever curious mind...
each day is a new day to explore

Sunday, August 23, 2009


sometimes the selfishness or my own desire for pleasure takes hold
and with a couple of hours cycling or swimming
I momentarily forget the worries of fatherhood
then I come back and see my son
jump up and down with anticipation of seeing me
and how he listens to my every word..
he smiles and says Dada with such love and cuteness
it can be overwhelming the responsibility I have
but then I think that I just need to live one day at a time...
my main concern is a safe home for my family
and keep my family healthy

Saturday, August 22, 2009

"The sweater IS weird, but only because it has never fit you."

so if it fit, then it wouldn't be weird?? or if the glove fits??Text Color
"I watched HOARDERS and they attach sentimental value to objects to the point that it inhibits their inner growth."

u talking about me??

obviously ..
if so what inner growth could have happened had I let it??
a tumor?? don't need any inner
growth
You know that u've watched hoarders (namely moi) and probably hated that part of me the most... oh well... gradually i get out of the orbit of senti mental junk that I've accumulated in the closets of my homes and my mind??? and wait to open up t
he closets when the time is right.. and would there be possibly be a best seller somewhere in all of these unedited essays that I've written in the past 5 years of blogging...

"They FEAR what will happen if they break the ritual. Try counting, breathing, and measuring the level of your anxiety as you put AWAY the sweater in a very careful, loving and even ceremonious way. Then, you will officially grow up"

hmmm,
.. they/I lose connections with the past life that they/I had..is that what Dr. Von Stupen might believe??...
no...I just count 1,2,3 and sprint to the surf
where the dolphins are cavorting with each other and the waves as they c
elebrate their tasty supper in the twilight of the Gold Coast...
my anxiety momentarily washes away with the saltwater... I come back invigorated with the rejuvenating Pacific to my new home on the beach
the high anxiety of my better half greets me with a hypoglycemic plea for help
I try to soothe her frayed nerves ,

but then I see the loving smile of this innocent soul that has just come into my life..and I am becoming so devoted to him...the connection when he laughs at the time... He says Dada and looks directly at me when I arrive into the room...
do I even wanna grow up ??

when I learn from all over again what it is to be a happy new soul discovering
each new thing about the new day!! ..

Thursday, August 20, 2009

What would Jesus do??

That's what a lot of so called "Christian" folks might say... fundamentalists/judgmentalists perhaps might say another cliche or 2 from the bible to rationalize their behavior...
What if Jesus was bipolar.. perhaps he might have had binges of "mania" to decide to spend 40 days and 40 nights in the desert and came up with some pretty heavy stuff and ideas !!
enough so that most of the New Testament is about him and his word...enough so that half the world believes or wants to believe in this bloke that is said to have walked on water and turned water into wine..
(Did you know that a variety of mind altering herbs were around that far back?? God only knows what plants he might have tasted in the desert...imagine Native Americans discovering Pejote in the desert and they often have connections with the spirits)

what about Ghandi??
he decided to shave his head and wear a white robe everywhere instead of the normal business suit of British India.. that was pretty radical back then...
he was succesful ...
what makes folks delusional enough to have these
images or feelings from God?
If God came and talked with me personally, others might think I was delusional and maybe was showing symptoms of a manic/depressive personality?? God only knows!

Causes and Natural Treatments for Bipolar Disorder
by Patric Darby, M.D.
www.paracelsusclinic.com

"There is a vast amount of data from traditional psychiatry, that opines Bipolar Disorder to be a genetic disorder, but that doesn't explain what causes it.

The inability to break down Norepinephrine due to a deficiency in an enzyme called COMT is one objective finding I have found useful in explaining to patients why they behave or react certain ways. (And this one is a genetic find)

Pfeiffer reported that those who have daily or day-to-day mood swings have food allergies or hypoglycemia. In addition, he said they are pyroluric and are easily treated with adequate doses of B6 and Zinc. (do you know about pyroluria?)

Pfeiffer recommends

1. Adequate B6 for dream recall (NTE 2gms qd)
2. Zinc (as gluconate) 30mg am &pm
3. Manganese (as gluconate) 10mg am &pm
4. if B6 produces numbness in extremities. Shift to pyridoxal phosphate at 1/10th dose of normal B6

I found it interesting that I have been trained in traditional psychiatry to medicate manic-depressives. Personally, I find this dreadful, as I think we lose a lot of great minds and creations when we do. Just think of all the historical geniuses who would fit the bipolar mold, and if they were living today, they would be medicated out of creating. (Not to offend anyone, but this would probably also include
Jesus Christ, as he would certainly fit the bill for a Bipolar Psychotic, by today's standards, just think about it). And all the actors, and others today who are strange and bizarre, well, some are getting medicated and they aren't doing too much anymore.(I was even thinking of Robin Williams...he
has enough issues and manias to come up with some very good comedy material!!)


As I just treat kids, I have found that many of them can be controlled with a sugar free diet. It takes a long time (average is about 2 years) for the family to make this adjustment, but it does work. So are they still Bipolar? (I have other opinions about this area as well).

Furthermore, there is now a Bipolar IV Disorder. That is, a patient who has an adverse reaction to a medication, such as an antidepressant and exhibits signs of mania, therefore, is labeled Bipolar. If this person never had this medication, they would never had this experience, nor would they have the diagnosis.
"....

(It's 445 in the morning enjoying the few hours I have to myself while the rest of my family is asleep..I have let myself get into the "rut" here in this different circadian time zone of Oz.. to crash out about 8 or 9, sleeping till 2 am... so then rather than fight the midnight insomnia, I get up and write and decide to connect to my friends, ex friends and the rest of the cyber universe... then when I feel like I'll be able to sleep very easily I retire again for a few hours, starting the daily cycle all over again...}

I read somewhere that there are almost 20 million diagnosed folks with Bipolar...imagine all the undiagnosed freaks that hit twice that number...visit the homeless spots anywhere in the world and you'll find lots of folks that have lost touch with reality and hear voices...
we want to label them and then not deal with them or subject them to societies' shunning ...
we call them "mental cases or mentally ill" and then treat them like they have leprosy..

so maybe when I have my herbipheny, I come up with my own spirituality..
I'd like to believe there is a place where Mom and Dad are waiting for me..and if so why wouldn't my mother's energy and vibes come from the blue sweater that she painstakingly hand knitted for me ?? I actually feel her warmth when I put on the sweater and she gives me a lift when I'm feeling down, lonely and overwhelmed with bringing up a family while having to deal with some very deep psychological issues...so regardless of what others think the comfort far outweighs the fashion faux pas of society..uh oh..it's 5am and Colin is waking up again..he usually wakes up once in the night about 2 or 3 and then wakes up fully by about 5 or 530 at least an hour before sunrise!.. it seems like my sleep patterns and periods of being tired appear to follow his patterns!
she made pullovers when i was growing up and out grew out of them..

ok..Im not gonna retire my Mom's sweater...
I love her and want to believe she is my guardian angel...
she probably spent weeks gradually knitting it..
I believe her energy is still with the sweater..
So I will hang onto the sweater...
I might be more selective when I wear it..

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Ive been behaving like an old man lately... retiring at 8pm...it gets dark so early here on the coast...about 6pm...
but then I wake up early at 2 am...I guess I should take the power nap after dinner for an hour and set the alarm for an hour...then do the writing and herbalizing with everyone in deep rems but myself!! even sip on just one beer.. anymore could agravate the gout I'm keeping in control by swimming and cycling everywhere... at least 2 good hard swims past the breaker and a couple of good body surfing waves to carry me in faster that Michael Phelps...
but so many gorgeous winter ?evenings!!

the realities of fatherhood are penetrating painfully but sometimes in a good way that I have to grow up to be this self actualized person that was always out of your paradigm??
I am trying so hard to help this family...it's taking oodles of effort and coordination to establish and maintain...(im afraid colin is sounding like he's about to awakr early..
I unfortunately woke up at 2 am after a very weird dream that Im almost too embarassed to explain...sometimes I can such lucid dreams!!
Now it's420 am and Colin is starting to talk to himself so happy to meet a new day... He was a hit as usual at the surf club loving all the attention doted on him...He is such a pretty baby..by far the cutest of Mermaid Beach babies!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

http://www.blogcatalog.com/topic/fuck+ups/

If you do a search for "fuck ups"
my
blog comes up...

another tidbit of why new readers might come across my blog...
even my relatives might come across my writing with judgment...
and think we are both fuck ups

Sunday, August 16, 2009

it's another day in freakin freaky paradise
where even a freaky family can have a ball!!

I was watching "Jules and Jim", a French film about this menage a trois relationship of a woman in love with two men...
I loved the part where they find out that the folks of the village are gossiping about how weird the family with the child is...

so they all laugh about it and rehearse behaving like village idiots for when they make a trip into town again!!!

The movie was Francois Truffaut's first and very successful film
it was cool that this family didn't mind being a little different...

... nothing matches going outside for a breath of the ocean
air..just knowing that you are mere meters away from this mass body of interconnecting liquid... it was your home in your ancestral past..that's why we as humans are always drawn to it...

another nice visit getting Nimbinized... so I have to stay the night rather than getting stopped in the middle of the night for crossing over the median 12 times... like the Fuzz in Salem, Missouri , setting up their trips on all exits of Shwagstock!!
So i am back again to my little family on Mermaid Beach after getting a little space...
of course absence makes the heart grow fonder...
she misses me again and I miss her
as she gets better..
she's looking out the window with some apple juice

thanks for the nice email, Muffy! I'm glad I was out of town so I missed the first email and think you still hated me like so many other ex's...
but Im happy you have a sense of humor!!
eat carrots ;].... just kidding...
I don't have any walls...
could you say a large cardbox has walls??....
well, maybe you have some truth to your emails...
right now, I'm looking at the surf and seeing a wind surfer speeding up and down the surf over 30kms per hour...
Maybe I could have a question at the end of the blog about whether I should retire Mom's very short sweater.??.It was never the right size , even when I was skinnier
but I always feel her presence when I put on the sweater and feel that she could my guardian angel..
Is that superspicious??... my honey say's it's not...

I'm trying to upload this other pic with the sweater...maybe this one looks better??
the pics don't come in as fast...
maybe some of my enlightened readers might tell me on the comment pages which pics you hate
(me??) or love (colin??)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


This is Mom's hand knitted sweater... beside one of the weirdest trees that's about 20 thousand years old!!
Imaginine being around since Oz was only inhabited by aborigines and things were much simpler!!

We have a very challenge ahead of us... and I'm up for it...just one day at a time!

Monday, August 10, 2009



so here we are trying to fix ourselves in our once and future paradise..

we all have a common goal for the family.. it is a lot of work...but I'mputting it out there for the universe for him/her/it or just this great energy that could be all around us to help us in this brief finite time on this minute geologic layer of earth's time...

for the first time in my life another entity/soul depends on me...I'm finding others are not listening to me but our son is listening to every word I say almost as if he's comprehending me.. He must be an old soul...he looks at me with such intelligence and when he speaks he's definitely attempting to communicate something about the new universe he's discovering and exploring every day!!

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Yesterday was the best day in a long while...

Ok...just after reading about toxic nostalgia in this book about "Emotional resilience", i have this canabized epiphany at 4am after feeding my baby Colin his bottles (he is hungry and we both hear him crying hoping he'll quit and we wonder whose turn it is or should we both go again in the middle of the night like we did before...I'm not enthusiastic about taking care of shit...but fortunately he's only wet and so it's much easier to clean him off..)

I sneak out into the outdoor hallway after making sure bub is asleep still worried about others' qualms with the herb as they might judge a stoner the way they would judge a lazy bum who is making the choice not to work while begging for food and work on the exit sign of the highway...

do we judge less harshly a cigarette and coffee addict ...we might think it's cool as long we don't have to breath the nicotine laced air....yeh all of us judge and no better or harsh a judge than a mother in law long having been the real matriarch of the family....I've entered into this family and now we are all tied together by our beautiful Colin Murray Garvald..

wow!! then I realize how I can get back all the written thoughts that were just thought to be lost in cyberspace , fucked over by this already outdated laptop (almost 3 years old)....I just click the reload button above!! :) all these good moments we need to celebrate...Kiddingly, I was telling her and her mom the different ways we can celebrate....
and now after talking with Annette both of us realized the work we have to put into making our Angela better... mom in law and son in law united on two very important efforts.... the other very important thirds of my family!

on another subject, I was browsing Huffington Post and had to show this article!

"Hemp as paper: Hemp won't just save trees, but paper made from Hemp is stronger and more durable. According to Ecomall

The hemp plant, like cotton, produces cellulose fibers that are much more pure than fibers derived from wood...Many of the early documents printed on hemp paper hundreds, or even one thousand years ago, are still in existence.

Hemp as a fuel: Hemp is more sustainable and burns cleaner than any other fuel. More importantly, though, EcoMall says:

The same high cellulose level that makes hemp ideal for paper also makes it perfect for ethanol fuel production. Ethanol is the cleanest-burning liquid bio-alternative to gasoline. In one test, an unleaded gasoline automobile engine produced a thick, black carbon residue in its exhaust, while the tailpipe of a modified ethanol engine tested for the same 3,500 miles remained pristine and residue-free.

Also, when hemp as a biodiesel combusts it releases water vapor and CO2 which is absorbed by plants.

Hemp to renew soil:
For one, hemp grows in abundance. But more importantly, when plants grow they deplete the soil of some natural vital nutrients, hemp however revitalizes the soil.

Hemp actually revitalizes the soil it grows in, both by aerating the soil and through the deposit of carbon dioxide in to it. This makes hemp ideal for crop rotation, and the crop that follows in the soil hemp grew in will develop better than if hemp had not been used.

Hemp as a fiber: Hemp is one of the strongest plant fibers. The venerable fiber is extremely resistant and rugged and has been used bu sailors to hold ships and sails. In fact, Betsy Ross sewed the first American flag from hemp.

Hemp can produce 250% more fiber than cotton and 600% more fiber than flax using the same amount of land.

Hemp as food and care: Hemp seeds can be eaten or used as edible oil and provide an incredible source for protein. It can also be grown where other plants won't because it is so durable. The oil can also be used for hair and skin care and detergent."

Yet, happy I am that you are back in Oz. Confused I am though, about the fornacatory statements you made about work. Thought, I did, that you re beyond that four letter word, employment.Italic
wow steve, since I missplaced(?) ur email I''ll write back on the blog that u've apparently been following it... it would have been nice to have connected on the phone or in person....but the window of opportunity was there to have our chance to escape again for a briefer time to my magical mermaid beach!! Mom in Law has to
go back to teaching really soon but I'm hoping that one more week under the circumstances to help angela and me get on track with parenting and especially my sweethearts very deep depressions..

Alaska is pretty much the same, and with Godzilla gone, a happier life it will be for me. Sometimes one must stand firm in the face the beast, and hold on. It bores the hell out of them. Wish, I do, for what you love to come true. ...the Witch of the Far NorthWe

maybe sometime you could go into Godzilla, I wonder if the monster was anything like our friend, Jesus Koreshka or any of the witches in my previous life...
right now Mom and Angela are on a shopping spree for clothes , souvenirs and essentials for the baby...like a high chair to eat from



"CASH UP"


CASH UP (?) Apparently is one of the slang terms of the ever evolving Oz lingo...
for rich...or comfortable financially??...
they were both a little enebriated (a case (?) and some bud) when they were trying to explain the term to me ...my neighbors downstairs at Parthenon Place...(the place that would never have happened had I not broken into the old fibro two story boarding house...)
they know i don't work and only jet set back and forth between oz and the boring states of america...
so I sit down with my neighbors/mates late at night after my family has been long asleep and my thoughts are not interupted with pleas for something to do or cash...
"so what are u cashed up, Mate?"
"what??" I then in the herbal daze have to ask what they mean in American...
my neighbor replies in the very thick Queensland accent...
I ask him to respond slowly and so he speaks the almost perfect version of a yank accent that would do well even in Hollywood.
yep.... I understand... they think I'm rich....
it's real trip coming over to the opposite side of this planet where everything is the opposite..
toilets flush the opposite, cyclones go the opposite of hurricanes, the liberal party here is conversative, you drive on the left instead of the right...
does that mean bad can be good...
boring Sundays can become exciting here!!

Saturday, August 08, 2009

UNFORGETTABLE FUCK UPS...

another day in my beloved Oz...
folks don't understand or definitely cannot understand mental illness or better termed emotionally unstable states of mind....
so I write to communicate to the audience out there of the present of the future...
who might wander across my blog....
bleeps out into the cybercesspool of gossip and hyperbole....
to come together into some possible belief that could be formulated into the
general consciousness of the present time...
will the echo evolve into a theory turned fact??
evolution, evolution, miracle...
or the big bang...
a sun burns out millions of light years before we will ever know it....
bleeps from other worlds surfing the light years in waves to arrive at another possible raft of life??

Hey Steve! It's great to hear from you..
and happy birthday to my wonderful brother, Ron...
I would like to write some more and I have so many things to say but...
so little time...wishing that my thoughts could come out quicker on this blog to the universe...
what's it like when we have a new lease on life??
my family friend. Peter (husband of our godmother, Annette) has a blood clot and realizes the finity of life..
he spends time with all of his immediate family. savoring all the moments with them on this short time on or "spaceship earth" in this shell we call a body..
I talk with his father, Lem, a very young 89 year old and his touch with closeness to the boundary of unknown...
a heart surgery done when needed instead of being at the mercy of an incompetent slow health care system (what countries have a good health care system??)

Friday, August 07, 2009

I guess I give out too much info!!
fuck work...
fuck the mores of society about work...
it's a 4 letter word...
how long can I say
FU for doing a job under someone else's judgment of your performance!!
but ...
first time to herbalize
with hydro in a very long time...

wow..it's like I have the urge to write my thoughts but need for our family to undertand the need for this releas...

Tuesday, August 04, 2009



Back in Oz!!..it's wonderful to be back in OZ!!
and that Mom in Law is helping us out at least for a few days

Sunday, August 02, 2009

this is the last time I'll be able to write on a stationary 'puter unless I bike over to the local Mermaid Beach library behind Pac' Fair...
I can't believe we'll be there in less than 24 hours!!..cept we'll totally skip Monday... No manic Monday (maybe I shouldnt kid about mania after our experiences...seriously) when we hop over the International date line......
well I guess we will be having a little monday ...perhaps ...except travelling west would help us go back in time until some where in the Pacific...the next day would completely disappear from our existence..
while everyone else in the world is going on with their business as usual on Monday..
think about it.. if someone left LA on 9/1o they could have missed 9/11 completely... scary thought...does anybody else out there think about this kinda shit??
LA: I saw maybe you read my blog yesterday?? Im sorry that I wont be around when you come for your extended family's reunion..
Isn't totally bizarre about the coincidence that your relatives live in the same town to the family I married??... do you believe in sychronistic serendipity?? all these weird coincidences that have happened in my life..
wow...
just drank some form Navaho tea and of course the last bowl ( a tiny last bit left) of my favorite..(soon to be legal when Obama helps pass the decriminalization of the weed...but that wont be until after our country's fucked healthcare finally improves..
a big improvement is making insurance companies drop the preexisting clause from policies...
of course they can't deny insurance for lousy drivers but at the moment if your blood pressure is a little high most companies won't cover you at all for heart attacks...at least until you have met the waiting period.!
In the meantime, Oz is the place to go to get coverage especially when they have socialized medicine...something that wont happen as long as insurance companies rule the way it is for health coverage!!

Well I decided to try a new theme for this blog… Sometimes I’m amazed at all the posts that I’ve written over the years and comes up 2000s...