Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I almost feel like writing a letter of apology to all my ex’s or at least a request to accept me for my ADD!

"I understand the challenges of living with and loving someone with ADD on a personal and professional level. Although I know, without a doubt, that attention deficit disorder is a neurochemical disorder and nobody's fault, I also know that you may feel stressed, frustrated, angry, hurt, and confused. There are lots of resources out there for people with ADD, but few for their spouses and partners. And you also deserve support. The fact that my subscriber list is growing by leaps and bounds shows that help for non-ADD partners is sorely needed. I hope this newsletter helps you feel less alone and gives you some new ideas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You've probably already does this, but I'd like to encourage you to keep reading and researching about ADD until you truly understand (and believe) that it's a real neurochemical disorder. This is so important because otherwise it makes sense to think that your partner doesn't care, or is doing things that are so hard to live with on purpose. In almost all the couples I work with, the non-ADD partner has such a hard time with this. The executive deficits caused by ADD mean that your partner probably looks at life, priorities, and even the concept of time in a very different way. And it also means that certain things like boring or detail oriented tasks, finishing something in a timely manner (dishes, laundry), seeing things that should be picked up (dirty dishes, clothes), etc - are really difficult for him or her. Because those things may be second nature to you, it's hard to believe they're such a challenge for someone else. Especially, if that someone else has a high IQ, seems to remembers sometimes, and makes the same mistakes over and over again. The benefits of realizing those behaviors are symptoms of a real disorder are for you. Believing that your partner isn't trying to hurt or disappoint you, will bring you less pain. I know it's not going to change daily life if you're the one who does everything around the house and reminds your partner constantly of things that need to be done, but it may make a difference for you emotionally. And protecting your heart (without closing it) is a huge part of living successfully with a partner who has ADD.
Of course it also helps if your partner understands everything he/she can about ADD and how to manage the symptoms. If someone has ADD and has been doing or not doing things a certain way for many years, it's near to impossible to change without guidance and support. And your partner may never have learned how to plan or organize so responsibilities get met. Coaching can teach people how to remember what they are supposed to be doing, follow through on the things they start, learn how to manage time better, etc. It can also help people develop better communication skills so the relationship is enhanced for both members. For information about how I work with individuals and couples, go to and click on the appropriate links on the sidebar.
Self-Care Tip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Because living with a partner who has ADD can be incredibly stressful, it's crucial that you take care of yourself. Sometimes there's not much you can do to change your partner, but it is possible to change yourself a little and how you react to the stress. There are many levels to this, but I'm going to focus on something you can start doing right now. Can you develop a healthy practice? Habit is another word, but I like practice better because it implies that the more you do, the better you'll be. And that's the point! Try to think of something you can do on a consistent basis (daily, weekly, bi- weekly), write up a contract with yourself, and stick to it. It could be anything from meeting a supportive friend for lunch once a week, to taking a quick walk every day, to practicing a martial art. But it has to involve carving out a consistent piece of time just for you - for the sole purpose of keeping and enhancing your mental and physical health.
If you'd like some ideas and motivation for taking care of yourself, download my audio - Help!! My Partner Has ADD! Towards the end of the talk, I lead you through a process of developing your own Self- Care Plan. Listen to this audio as a gift for you. There are probably lots of people depending on you - so don't get burned out. If you don't take care of yourself, who will?
I almost feel like writing a letter of apology to all my ex’s or at least a request to accept me for my ADD!
It is so funny when I have a little buzz of aussie beer and a little plant…hmmmm….everything is so funny…
We are out here alone in the Rez while we are getting all of our crap together…I’m cleaning out the garage and then going through the essential papers , versus any sane person would throw the piece of shit!, and then the stuff that I have put into the category of past shit??
So I have to discipline to chat with you…even when I am a little too herbalized on our holiday of prograstination…
We are getting out of here regardless..we will take the essentials that we can from here…

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