Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Finding my inner warrior!
"Stoking The Fire Within and Awakening The Inner Warrior"
"There are certain personality archetypes that we all carry within us, such as the inner child, the lover, and the mother. Some of these archetypes present themselves strongly, while others lay fallow. For example, there is an inner warrior in each one of us, but in some of us this warrior is underdeveloped to the point that we are unable to stand up for ourselves, even when necessary.

For too long I have sat back while I let others take control. At the moment, I feel like I'm competing with a Jedi Jesus just out of two years with the Peace Corp in Bangladesh! I have let Jesus take over the life skills class and the Navaho ladies love him and hate me like I'm Judas??
Now he handles the work study and is about to hire someone else to work for him. Jesus definitely has the power. Today when Marla, the original work study quit so she could have her baby, he immediately decided to take her desk and her computer since she was work study but not really working under him. I felt again as if my territory and control was taken away from me. He is all about keeping all of his disciples happy but then deciding not to invite me to his supper (is that a good metaphor). He and Betty Lou have teamed up together in that life skills class. She has taken over the phone and he is the Dr. Schweitzer appeasing the restless natives. He even behaves as if Clay and Marty have become his children leaving me out of the decision making process. I wonder if the real Jesus was this anal.
I am realizing that one project is totally in my control and can't be taken away from me. I decided tonight to be proactive in the chess project myself. I will buy the paint out of my own pocket and with the help of the corn pollen teacher, we will paint that outdoor chessboard and they will come! I feel that a few others are also in this dream too!

There can be many reasons for this. We may have grown up with a parent whose warrior aspect was overdeveloped, and we responded by repressing ours completely. On the other hand, we may have grown up with parents in whom this aspect was dormant, so we never learned to awaken it in ourselves.

Dad was very controlling and dealing with my older brother, my warrior was never able to come out until Dad passed away. Now I feel his energy as only being positive since he (in my hopeful agnostic fantasy?) is living vicariously through me. I was reading his little diary just after I was conceived and Dad was without work. He wrote about his vicissitudes and then realized that I can have another mediocre year or I can do something really fantastic. I instantly felt the rush when I realize that I don't need to be struggling with these others that will only help me drown. I will sprint way far ahead of these naysayers and leave them happily in the dust. Success is the best revenge for those that only put you down (out of jealousy? ;)

A warrior is someone with the strength to stand up for what he or she believes;
The chess movement!

Someone who perseveres in the face of challenges and obstacles; someone who speaks and acts in the service of an ideal; someone who protects those who are too weak to fight for themselves. Regardless of the reasons for an underdeveloped inner warrior, you may begin to notice the lack of its fiery, protective presence and wish to awaken it. You may need to stand up for yourself in a certain relationship or situation, or you may have a vision you want to realize, and you know you will need the courage, energy, and strength of a warrior to succeed. Similarly, if you find that you often feel scared, anxious, or powerless, rousing this sleeping ally may be just the antidote you need. One excellent way to cultivate the presence of your inner warrior is to choose a role model who embodies the qualities of bravery, strength, and vitality. Braveheart and Robert the Bruce!

This person could be a character in a myth, movie, or book, or a historical or living person you admire. Simply close your eyes each day and contemplate the quality of energy that attracts you to this person, knowing that the same potential lives within you. Confirm for yourself that Garvald, you are capable of handling this energy responsibly, and I will stoke the fire of my own inner courage. "

Winston Churchill was sucessful in later life and so will you Garvald! Sprint hard ! Your love and passion will have no bounds!
We will paint it and they will come!

to take prisoners,
But to surrender ever more deeply
To freedom and joy.

We have not come into this exquisite world
To hold ourselves hostage from love.

Run, my dear
From anything
That may not strengthen
Your precious budding wings.

Run like hell my dear,
From anyone likely
To put a sharp knife
Into the sacred, tender vision
Of your beautiful heart.

We have a duty to befriend
Those aspects of obedience
That stand outside of our house

And shout to our reason
"O please, O please
Come out and play."

For we have not come here to take prisoners
Or to confine our wondrous spirits

But to experience ever and ever more deeply
Our divine courage, freedom,
and Light!

- Hâfiz

October 12th
I get superstitious about 13th and especially friday the thirteenth when I had my worst day of science class with the children of the corn from Chickasha! Alene and I were together for 13 years. We met when I was making a Presige Emergency Cash withdrawal. She kept that card in her precious box of all of her special moments with me. I just realized how much she loved me and that there is more than a 99% chance that no one will love me as much as she did. I put that thought out of my mind almost as if it was a curse (??) or a blessing when she always said that she would take care of me. I hear all of the signs from her and feel she has become so attached to Buffy too!
Shes on her biannual period so I have to keep a tight leash on her.She's sleeping by foot under my desk as usual. I'm so lucky to have found my canine soulmate!
She has brought that inner warrior out of me that I never realized I had.. or could only imagine that self actualized warrior was just waiting to take off the runway and soar. There are the naysayers and the angry squaws whom I deal with daily, but they are the least of my worries.It reminds me of when I have shaved for the big 200 yd. freestyle event and I know that noone can beat me. I leave them in dust as I sprint the whole way with an extra kick in the final 75 yds!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Last lazy summer Sunday in the REZ!
Garvald attempts to enjoy himself and get himself out of his usual morning depression...his biggest fear is missing out on life...so he watches "Chris Mathews" with very poor reception early in the morning and falls back to sleep listening to "Meet the Press...his dreams are mixed in with some infomercial until he wakes up...Buffy is one of his few pleasures and he cuddles her... comforting his loneliness and boredom in the high desert...
He gets his hot tub ready and tastes his last tiny bit of herb to escape while getting some sun in his backyard mixed in with a ride to his office to give his 2 cents to the neocons of Newsbusters...Julio and his wife walk in to do some work or also surf the net...they ignore G...
"will it be a long year?? or will you ever learn to be happy by yourself and not depend on others to cheer you up??"
He scolds himself and then he sees young folks flocking to a peace corp pot luck dinner/barbecue at his neighor Tom's place in the middle of the adjacent duplex...it's packed with all of this club from the surrounding very large county....He envies Tom as he envies others that can organize these events... He overly worries about being ostracized by these folks a generation younger, wishing to be included...Where can he socialize and make friends?? He had a game a chess with his unofficial mentor, Dr. Sam. G worries that life is passing him by...no one to really share his experiences except the audience out in his cyber world...
He chats with a young native American math teacher about his visions for the chess program in Utopachi. She is interested and he realizes that he can still do so much and survive the loneliness by plunging deep into his project. He tells her that he came back from Oz because he wanted to do something really
"spectacular in his at best mediocre teaching career!"
On Friday he showed his principal where he wanted the chess board. Mr. Blaney was very receptive and gave him some good ideas in the building and painting of this school project. He's so happy that he has such a good principal. He feels that this man was almost a gift from the universe!
Go with the flow, G!
If you build it, they will come!

9/19 If you paint it, they will play chess!
Winston Churchill would always take a little power nap in the early evening and then have a very productive night working hard on saving Britain from the Nazis! Bush is no Winston Churchill and we are not fighting the Nazis! We are going there to feed the greedy oil companies and be their free mercenaries while continuing to line the oil stained pockets of the Bush Cosa Nostra!
Ok G! Relax and enjoy your little fireside chat with your friends of the Okie Zone...
I'm so energized after a nap ...I could so much of a better job at school if I ever could try to reprogram my energy for early in the am or ever had a planning period right after lunch so I could have that revitalizing siesta!
But I had a good day sans the adderall, which helped me to fall into a deep slumber during the news. Now I'm wide awake drinking my tea and hot cocoa mixture that I invented after experimenting with Marty's reaction to it. He loves it but he especially loves that Pinon nut flavored coffee! MMM...even the whiny Clay loves that coffee with a heaping teaspoon of chocholate and mini marshmallows to wake these two boys up early in the morning!
Sometimes I'm determined to have a good day regardless of Betty Lou storming into my classroom to tell me next time I use the phone to put it back on her computer shelf the way she had it! The phone was originally for the life skills class but now it is basically hers by eminent domain! Now we get the same hang up calls that I get in my ED classroom!
"Is it your phone, Betty Lou?" I ask her calmly.She makes a snide remark and walks off back to her nesting spot in the life skills class!
At the end of the day she is back again this speaking a mile a minute in Navaho to the other ladies again. Finishing in English, "I don't have to be treated this way!" It was so peaceful for a week's vacation without her!

I had the usual problems again with D again. He knocked over a table when I was just cleaning up around him. Fortunately, the girls working on their math quickly got up before he screamed and threw over the table with his incredible strength from such a little man. He could have easily hurt them and then I'm sure there'd be a lawsuit against the school.
I had to wait with him till 4:45 until his home's van finally came to get him. At least I had the chess players, so I wasn't completely wasting my time. He attempted to knock over another table before he finally left with someone that is used to dealing with him.
The day finished well ! I walked around our beautiful campus and village all green from the rains. The sun is setting earlier now, about 7:15 and I watch her snuggle into the mountains at the corner of the valley.I soak in one of the last evenings of "summer" before we finally get the lush green killing frost and my beautiful pink rose will wilt ...will it be the end of spring in the summer or just the beginning???
I walk to school after chatting with a neighbor who is the "corn Pollen" teacher. These students are always wanting projects to help beautify the school. They did a gorgeous mural on one of the walls except for the emaciated cougar. Buffy is far better looking. She actually has the blonde body of a very strong 50lb mountain lion! I love her so much!
Brett is great at these kinds of projects. I explained to him about the chess board and where we're going to paint it. We will go into town Sunday and buy the paint from Home Depot after getting some cash for the paint and sealer! I am so excited!
I chatted with the custodians. They kidded with me about Betty Lou!
"have you all kissed and made up yet?"
I showed them where we will have the human chess. We will build the half life size pieces getting the art teacher and the wood shop teacher involved with the project also. The biggest complaint from students is that it looks like a prison with the drab grey walls. The murals will only accentuate the mountains and the desert plains that we see from the courtyard!
Gradually more teachers will be involved as the faculty sees the project materialize. I could see all the building painted with murals.
In the twilight with the outline of the mountains as the frame, the three of us saw this school become more beautiful than she has ever has been before!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Today was one of the toughest days and it always happens when you have little sleep. You have no energy to deal with Clay and his tantrums. The assistants hate you so you finally go to the principal to get order back in the classroom that these ladies parked in their chairs have sabotaged any of your attempts to teach and have good rapport. The students pick up on this animosity in another language. A good friend that was a long term substitute assistant in that classroom knows how women are.
"Women hold grudges forever and won't let go.They will always hate you."
"They will only make your life hell"
G's mind wanders to all the ex gfs in his life that have never "moved on"(a common statement that is a blatant lie!). Even when they are old and grey, there is nothing worse than a woman scorned. If he lives to be as old as old as his Dad, will she still hate him?? He often wakes up in the am sadly thinking about all of his failed friendships. He hears Buffy sighs so effectively all of her worries gone in her exhale and almost envies his dog's life. He rolls over in his bed and hugs Buffy. She groans but tolerates her master.
So you are encouraged to assert yourself and get back your classroom! You feel energized and knock on your leader's door hopefully not to late. He comes outside into the cold wind. He listens to you and you feel so good that it will be taken care of.
Afterwards you have a heart to heart with Tom and become verklempt again. Tom's bachelor pad is so much "cooler" than yours. You tell him that there is only so much negative energy that you can absorb from these hateful creatures!
You become verklempt again and wear your emotions on your sleave. He also listens and you actually envy this young man's humbling experience and wisdom from a couple of years in Bangladesh.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Swift Boats in the Utopachi River!

SportPolitics Says:
September 13, 2006 - 01:37
I'm still wondering if rhayes school computer ban is in tact RJ.

yep , this computer is the only one that has access to this "forbidden site" and the library was banned or "forbidden access" for a week also
You don't have permission to access / on this server.
Apache/2.0.52 (CentOS) DAV/2 PHP/4.3.9 Server at newsbusters.org Port 80"

Remember how he went insane - accusing this site of banning all of the reservations school's computers except his own teachers puter...

Then I caught him lying on several fronts- first he was in OZ, then he was here in the USA at 1am on the reservations computers posting to newsbusters...

douchebag with OCD, if you read this site you will see that Ive been teaching for over a month. I was in Oz in July.

I've considered him a complete moronic liar ever since, but he never did as far as I know find out exactly how other computers were "banned" at his - imaginary? 1am hackfest he was partaking in - on the poor abused mentally retarded native americans school computers...

ok, this is what we deal with when teachers are up for public scrutiny by folks like this. The sad thing is I've worked with emotionally disturbed parents and see the reason the child is that way? I can imagine this poor gentleman up late at night plugging away on his computer, with an oversized gut, one click away from his favorite porno channel!

Remember- he was caught in another awful lying statement, and tried to regain credibility by claiming he helped out the poor disabled kiddies- then same day only way later - we find out he's lurking in the middle of the night inside the school on a computer - he's a creep.

okayyy...and look at the posts from sports politics till what hours in the am? What kind of profession does this homeless man with a laptop by the dumpster have that makes him obsessed with Bush and left over double cheeseburgers from Mcds.

I feel sorry for those kids - noone will believe them when they try to tell what horrible things rhayes has done to them - if they can even speak well enough for someone to understand.

yep amazing how this poor bloke can spin and tell slander...but that's the nature of the neocon party and the human frailties with so many!

I decided not to respond to him as most of the idiot on this site now enjoy checking out my site!

of course this deranged gentleman will be allowed regardless of the ad hominem personal attacks!

by the way, today was a great day! Lots of learning ...lots of chess players improving their self esteem and knowledge

over 31 visitors just in september searching for newsbusters (bullshitbusters) and they find my site! Welcome neocons!
and a few obsessed blokes/bitches with many angry issues do a narcissistic search for their own newsbuster handle .. they can find my site too! wow!!
lata mates!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Spring time in Early Fall
During 9/11 he was in the middle of a relationship about to get engaged wondering about starting a family. His brother was fine. Ron saw the 2nd plane hit and took the ferry across to NJ. Then he saw them both fall from the banks of Hoboken.
Garvald was in love and excited about the possibility of a new life with a new family with children who would love him. He was scared more of that than terrorists.
Now it is 5 years later and loneliness scares him more than terrorists. Scared of being alone in his old age. But he learns to not feel alone when he's with the beautiful nature springing all up around him in the desert.
There is moisture in the air. ....
a feeling of rebirth in the community...
he senses that good can come out of bad....
flowers bloom in the desert...
he gathers them up while they bloom and soaks in the pollen
he tastes the native honey immunizing and immersing himself in the land
he walks his dog in the nature
the sun paints the foothills of Mt. Serendipachi so beautifully
it's the most beautiful evening since he arrived
How lucky he was to soak this in and
soak in the sun coming out of the Pacific shining onto his beloved beach
He sees that there are so many things to enjoy
the flowers of youth need him
as he needs their nourishment from watching them blossom
for his hungry soul
yearning to feel good about about it's present state of conciousness
in a shell that he needs to keep in good shape
for as long as the body will allow it to reside there...
he is starting to see who his soul is helping him become
he starts nuturing his garden (her)
and (she) smiles at his reflection
he sees how to be happy be again...
he had forgotten how to do that...
maybe the other souls that are with him also enjoy the image too
and they see the hope in his eyes of the many wonderful things to come
in the village of Utopachi!

Saturday, September 09, 2006


G wakes up a couple times wondering how to get out of his normal depression, (the feel sorry for himself attitude... feeling sorta left out like Holden Caulfied did in a world that he felt didn't understand him. He gets into this needy state of desire for company that has scared off many girls after Alene's death. He pull up Buffy loyally sleeping by his right side, he pulls her up and she gives that sigh that comforts him into a few more hours sleep. He's happy to just turn off the radio that comes on each morning at half 6 (aussie;)
After a jumbo egg brekkie(it breaks open into 2 embryos?...a sign??) filled with his normal ingredients of garlic, parmesan cheese , fresh zuchini and Tomahto(aussie pronuncation) sauce, cept it's not ketchup but our version with meat out of a can),
He walks over to Tim Gardener, the local Jesus lookalike... he's on the phone with his gf and then as soon he asks,
"Wassup, G?"
his Dad, who's 2 years younger than him, calls before can answer that question...
two folks that love him the most in his life and he wished that he had that love and connection with his own deceased Dad!
Garvald feels bad but he needs to talk with him to express his feelings of hurt but over some cider or a mango...neither help open him up to want to listen...He was interupting his makin' bacon and the phone so adroitly nestled with love in between his beard and shoulder. It was about 11 and he was recently up after a well deserved slumber after a hard week of classes, seminars and football. He was wearing his long pj pants and the clean brown Jesus hair
fell on his upper torso...
G envies him and having the next 2o years ahead of him and still be two years younger than this middle aged man deperately holding onto his lost youth as if it was within his grasp...the others in the small cul de sac are pleasantly distant from his invitations for the aussie way of pallava over coffee or brew. They are an elite corp that have given up the normal american materialistic ways for a chance to really get out of the comfort zone in another world and culture~! He wished that he was in that "church", or club(?) to have devoted yourself to another culture for a couple of years. The world would be such a better place if the govt enlisted peace corp folks the way they do the military as a way to give good will from this country to others that truly need our help in a peaceful way...

after an hour or so, Tim was off the phone and walked back over to his new neighbor's abode that well so immaculate and well gardened.
G thinks with an enlightened but anxious buzz how should he attempt to bond with this Christian hippy?? He pulls out a book from his standing room only literature stocked shelf,
"Jesus and his pipe(?)"
about a man trying to connect the attributes of both spiritualities, native american and Jesus? He briefly reads a bit but his right eye is messed up from the laser surgery (he wishes that he had the presription filled to help his vision! up close and far away! How could he be a visionary if he couldn't see properly?) ......

time is flying by and I wonder how to continue this story,
cept that G's friend(?) might be coming over tomorrow am for some of his freshly ground coffee with Navaho Pinon nut flavoring! Maybe he can help heal the feelings of animosity this good man might have towards him(?)...He said he couldn't car pool on Friday but he picks up Julio for the ride instead and then later G asks Tim for a beer and his continual invitations for bonding time are rejected..
"You don't want to have a beer with me? You don't like me??, " that neediness comes out again..
"No, it's easier to hang out with people (peace corp) where we have things in common"...
the street is populated with folks all a generation younger! When he was their age, they were'nt even out of grammar school??"

Garvald remembers back to the Byron Bay hostel in paradise. The beautful English girl brutally tells him that he's way too old for to be flirting with these young nomadic backpackers!
"You're way too old, G. What are you 45? The oldest girl here is only 25!"

Tim has been the intermediary between G's human angst and his feelings towards the Borg and Betty Lou! It only backfired as far as far as the relationship as peers and potential friends...
Garvald finally gets to say after his long conversatin on the phone,

"Well, you can only take so much shit talking before you've had enough!"

"Hey man, I've gotta go and don't forget your flip flops!" would Jesus say that to me if I wanted to have a beer with him?
G could read the cooled vibes of this mature young man in the drive back from the seminar to their village .....

...oh well, it's almost 4:20 now! Ta, M!

Neocons have a wonderful plan goin!
they can twist words such as these and claim them as their own!
plagiarism: the practice of taking someone else's work or ideas and passing them off as one's own

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

"Be realistic: Plan a miracle" (Labor Day)

A 3 day weekend after only two weeks of school!I open a book of sayings that Dad had and I took it back with me along with all of his beautiful Hawaiian shirts just to know that I'm in his spirit...So it says when you need a solution to what's bothering you or for whatever is on your mind, open the book to a page and the answer will be there!"Please God, how do I have a great day and just enjoying myself today?? "the page said the above statement and I laughed to myself almost as He was talking to me.This book coincidentally and synchronisticly (? spell check won’t let me spell it this way) always has a saying for me that pertains to what's on my mind...as my mind goes into this fantasy(?) of there being a God or just the spirit of my Dad talking to me… by the way Muffy told me today she heard tribal music when he was in transition to the other side)He was talking to me ,"You want to enjoy yourself and be happy?, get back to reality!really,G, the way you can be happy is just plan this miracle!"....for me, the miracle is how chess will lift the scores in school and the childrens' self esteem so much, we will avoid reorganization by the Nazis of the Bush regime who thought of "No idiot left behind"!La says I'm a visionary and many times I actually believe her!I see it all happening...everything can all flow with synchronicity, "if you build it, the game will happen"( or something like that from the "Field of dreams"...every time I rewrite this, I feel this spirit and energy..I become verklempt-tears rolling down my cheeks so easily the way I was when I told the principal how I didn't have to come back from Oz, but after 3 more weeks of soul searching, I knew had to come back for the chess, my special boys and the native community of Serindipachi!)...first we get the paint and the permission from our charismatic leader who's had death experiences with cancer so he knows how to live each moment with gratitude, wonderment and awe each time he sees the sunrise paint the high desert and mountain blooming now with beautiful wild flowers ... Muffy told me tonight about Ingmar Bergman's movie "Wild Strawberries" and she thought of me pondering a game of chess the way lonely old man in the story kept going back to this game of chess as if it was a metaphor for his life...I remember that movie as one of my favorites of this very deep Swedish director.so we paint the courtyard into a chess board with maroon and yellow colors..the students (7 asked me to host a practice on Friday when I've only scheduled Tuesday and Thursday practices. There were 6 new freshman from the middle school..a couple had been regulars last year thanks to Raphael's involvement there...I need to call him and Erowyn!)...we build the pieces and then play out the game first with the paper mache(?) pieces and then with the human volunteers....we get as many teachers involved in this whole community project,invite a new middle aged teacher who also has dreams of this school having it's own TV station!!.He's gone back to school in his own mid life to become a teacher...I can see that he will help this school so much too!he was taking pictures for our newsletter last Tuesday!we'll invite the media for the first tournament in October with the youth festival in the city ......we'll get the elementary school and middle school involved...test all the students...ask for a simple math and English Iq test...have a before and after chess test!!
I am so excited I'm getting verklempt the way I was when I was invited to come over to the wonderful principal's home Thursday night and have a heart to heart talk after I was very upset about the way I was treated by these native ladies and the Borg ...
I was frustrated again with the native ladies in the life skills class and my Sped director, who chewed me out over Donovan, (the poor student who can't speak and has problems with sight but I believe is much smarter than he gives on to be)for refusing to get on the van. I asked for help so she was upset that I should be getting him on and wasn’t doing my job. It only took her 45 minutes to coax him with different things to stimulate him till he was happy ..I knew that when a group of bigger people surrounded him he gets on the van without problems...that happened Friday and today!...Two blokes from his center gently took his arm and he went without violent altercations immediately
Thursday was my roughest day..my temper was short with all the tension building up...the students whom I'm able to teach didn't want to go in that class but the Borg insisted that there had to be a teacher there...it was hot and these ladies insisted on not having on the ac …they were continuing to making a very irritating loud tapping sound that almost deliberately interfered with my teaching English and Math to the other students. They insisted that the kids in wheelchair needed to hear that very loud noise for stimulation ..
I asked if they could stop…they became mad and went to the principal ...He came down and observed me teaching basic phonics. He was pleased with the way I was teaching them..I felt so much better that night after talking with him and I asked if I could be in an inclusion class with both sped and regular students..
He said that he would think about it! That was all I needed. Friday became the best day of this school year ! Clay and Marty worked hard along with the other children ..to make a wonderful ending to the day, the Borg came up to me with the great news that I would be teaching algrebra inclusion
I’d be away from these angry old ladies..(that day they all had a native lunch in my classroom inviting two teachers but of course not inviting me while I ate carrots perfectly content to while my time away on the puter ..It was funny..I guess you would have to be there..I see it being made into a screen play or sit com..I'm praying to the Gods that the story will have a happy outcome or at least become sitcom ...like "Welcome back, Garvey!" where he finally wins over these ladies with his inner charm and charisma......Maybe he'll be the "Bahe" again??(Navaho or dine for “bread maker”) to be continued….