Monday, May 15, 2006

My father is about to die in Australia. My brother and I have to make the decision about whether to put him on a ventilator. My brother is against the idea and also the doctor. The doctor just called me from the hospital continuing to stress the dignity of his death berses just prolonging his death in 4 or 5 days.

I wished that he had just let me spent time with him when I had taken time off from working. Muffy is one of the few now to comfort me through this but I just have a feeling that Dad might be able to make it through. It sounds selfish, but I do want to see him. I could sense the Doctor was continuing to be condescending to me.

I've had a few more chats especially the chats with two friendly couples asking for help in my time of need while everything doesn't register. Ron and I were just waiting for the time for it to happen!

I want Dad to fight. Mom knows how he is still is so important in my life...I go into a spiritual mode with my survival instinct thinking Dad is so very close to moving to the other 40 years, I'll be older , maybe lying down hopefully not alone as others are to share in my parting. I can take it relaxed . Erowyn was describing her aunts very peaceful and psychic. She was thinking into the future seeing Erowyn's baby. hmmm ,almost as if she experience going to the other side
I am amazed at how relaxed I am contemplating the future without Dad, but still not aware of all the loose ends we have to take care of.

Thursday 5:14
I just paid for my tickets ....wait, ADD and a little herb...I got the cash but then forget to see the agent again...I have so much to do and so little time...I almost wish that I made the trip later...but at least I have two extension to summer...I wish that I had seen Dad before he went to the other side..the inevitability happened but should I be angry at him for not letting me see him earlier...More like I'm angry with myself for not calling him especially to brag to him about my chess players and especially their improvement in their grades!
Erowyn and Mr. Rauch both told me about how he has done so well in everything, especially his self esteem. His math teacher says how he has the confidence now to sit with the smart kids in math and go on the board to give the answers.
It is so inspirational that everything that I have been preaching about chess improving intellect and discipline especially for kids with learning disabilties. It teaches them to focus!

This is the big reason that I want to come back next year. I won't be back in the states until July 20th so it might be a while before I have a chance to chat with you again!

Everything seemed to be falling into place until I heard that Dad died but everyone has been very consoling. I've been enjoying playing chess with Raphael. His wife and he were very sympathetic when I just needed a neighborly shoulder to cry on.

Venice Beach 11:41 Pacific Time
It's hard to believe I'm finally on this new adventure under sad circumstances. Dad's death still hasn't registered kind of like it was with Mom until I saw and touched her cold face when I had a chance to see her in the open casket before the funeral. Dad mentioned how embarassing it was about 15 years ago when I broke down and cried just as I did with Alene.

Dad could be so mean, but I love him and feel that maybe I might still be communicating to him now. I wish that he lasted a few more years like I kinda expected him but with the lingering premonitation of his inevitable death. Maybe it was kind of a relief because his impending move to the other side would often depress me late at night and I would reach for Buffy sleeping beside the bed for cuddles and comfort. (It was so sad saying goodbye to her yesterday, hoping she would be ok with Raphael and Erowy!)

I'm proud of myself for only forgetting my driver's license. I might think of other things that I would forget. Each time I should write everything down before these long trips and make an inventory of the essential. I called Mark back again after asking how Buffy was. He told that I left the door open even though I locked it...he'll go inside my car to send my license to my Dad's adress in Australia. I meant to write his adress down and I failed to do that also. I'm waiting for my controlling brother to give me the adress and phone numbers of relatives that he sounds very reluctant to give to me.

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