Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Serendipitous side trip to the Broadway Cafe

I'm not sure if this is the catchiest title but I thought this little trip to the library on Westport Rd. after the coffee shop was appropo.
2:17 pm Wodinsday
It's a busy little library 2 blocks a way from the coffee shop and I can't help but get a little nervous if the homeless(?) bloke behind me bothers me for 35 cents!
I think about the moments of pondering that might change your destiny at least for the next couple of years as far who will share your life. A couple of years ago while in an altered state like you are in, you asked the Gods what might be in store for you if you decided to take the job offer. The bloke at the Buzzard Beach suggests First Fridays at the Nelson Art Gallery and you meet Muffy bartendressing the event that evening. You have a reason to become sidetracked in this adventure.
Now you see the coffeetendress who seems to be in her own wanderlust is coincidentally following you in your adventures. You last saw her serendipitously briefly working for her room at the Boulder Youth Hostel. She's back by a strange coincidence the only time you visit the coffee shop.
She's now found her temporary niche with her new boyfriend in Boulder,
coffeetending in Allyson's Expresso (?). She looks for new coffee tending niches while I find new emotionally disturbed teaching niches.
Does this all mean a new turn on the road.? What signs can you look out for????...
maybe just feel a new benchmark,
another epipheny might change your life,
or even slightly alter your philosophy...
maybe your spirituality is changing a little bit after coming out from your 36 hour comatose hibernation at the Crown Lodge
what new motto is instilled into your life to give it a little more meaning?

You write a little letter that she will never see to an ex gf
still wanting to talk to her
but she refuses to listen
as most of the angry women in your life soon became impatient listening to your song

what makes your song any different than all the other let downs in their own lives??
you are another male to blame for being a victim in a man's world

you have served your purpose
in their life
they can't profit from you anymore

listening to you is not worth
the meal ticket

I only have a minute left to talk to you hoping that you will give insight and meaning to these ramblings....

Friday in the O zone;
I woke up with Buffy begging to get out of her kennel hearing her scratching while I was escaping in my more pleasant rems of a more innocent time
in fleetingly warm confines of the now leaking water bed...
I let her outside and almost go back to sleep
when I hear the phone call from my brother, expecting to hear the worst about Dad , but he is still suffering in the hospital with his undiagnosed stomach ailments.
I want to go back to sleep knowing that the water bed must have a larger leak hearing the drips on the carpet like Chinese water torture and the sound of the uninvited guests running around upstairs in your attic, (the mice have graduated to squirrels and having to find larger traps is to overwhelming to even worry about)...I worry as someone with ADD does.
they just obess and worry rather than taking care of the problem, unles medicated.
I worry about lost loves and unrequited happiness that common sense says will never happen again.
Formerly a serendipitously warm morning in winter would bring me just the happiness of a warm winter day without any of the worries and the burdensome issues that come with age. Having a little herb only accentuates the current feelings of helplessness against the onslaught and exceeding worries of a finite life span. You sometimes are deluded(?) in thinking that you're learning to view tragedy the same as happiness;
to treat both imposters the same as Rudyard Kipling would say
...inevitable events becoming permanent images on the dwindling tape your camera.
You desire to know if someday, you will be inside another camera of the world with a totally different perspective of life ??
Will your soul find another shell or will this conciousness just be meshed into the univeral conciousness of homo sapiens and all other living things on this earth??
What does Buffy see when she runs around in your backyard just excited to see you ..
she plays with you as her paws reach for your body seperated by the makeshift backyard gate destroyed by what you stupidly conceived as your friends one fateful Halloween evening,
when your happiness was all taken away
or even thrown away over malicisously hurtful words...

So you take your neighbor out to your favorite Chinese restaurants and confess your innermost feelings. It is so wonderful to have a friend where you can confess your sins without the fear of judgement that most would give....

On a positive note, it's great to have friends like LA also where you can put your angry feelings aside and help your xmas trip end on a positive note with M...
You splurge at a nice hotel with a pool and hot tub... making up is so fun to do!
It sure releases so much negativity that was residing in your Karmic surroundings!!

Happy New Year 1/3/06
Now I'm going to have to remember 06. Dad sent me a book with his writing barely a scribble from his hospital bed. I've missplaced the hospital number and I'm also afraid to call him. He will be 90 in February. I want to get his health back so that he can experience my best years ahead vicariously. His mind is still so sharp and there are so many things that I can do, if I just get over these melancholic lonely moments.

I'm back by my Mt. Serendipachi... the sun shining on her to say hello in the morning and shedding the last light on her in the evening. I imagine the sun coming up as I'm walking to school ... then I see it as I imagined and remembered it shining on her.

There are still so many things that I can get excited about. I'm helping these severely disabled children the last block of the day.
I'm helping these other students feel good about themselves and I can see how we can become state chess champions again!

Janurary 4th, 06
Ok, I've had my 3rd day. Clay was let out of Juvi for maybe resising arrest. He tells me differently after I finally see him peering through the trailer window. I hear about his experiences and think that maybe there is a chance that he's learned from his experience of civilation's timeout room, jail.
He had to learn to become patient for 48 hours actually reading, talking, and playing chess with a few other offenders. The holding center is behind the gas station and there's more but I don't want to say even though this is a fictitious site.
I think about the town, Stone Boat, where three were murdered execution style along a dirt road perpendicular to the highway.
There is a murderer still hiding out somewhere in the reservation.
I think about how Clay needs to stay on the right side of the law rather than hanging out with young criminals of all kinds. Maybe he will say to himself that this isn't the life for him.
I've maybe said too much and wonder if the murderer and any others could so easily visit this little haven in the wild west, with Buffy being my only defense. I become paranoid but I see Buffy sleeping soundly now on the portable's carpet before I finally call my Dad very close to the end of his own natural slightly extended stretch for his soul's visit.
Pot is called biggest cash crop
The $35-billion market value of U.S.-grown cannabis tops that of such heartland staples as corn and hay, a marijuana activist says.


By Eric Bailey, Times Staff WriterDecember 18, 2006
SACRAMENTO — For years, activists in the marijuana legalization movement have claimed that cannabis is America's biggest cash crop. Now they're citing government statistics to prove it.A report released today by a marijuana public policy analyst contends that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion — far more than the crop value of such heartland staples as corn, soybeans and hay, which are the top three legal cash crops.
ADVERTISEMENT
California is responsible for more than a third of the cannabis harvest, with an estimated production of $13.8 billion that exceeds the value of the state's grapes, vegetables and hay combined — and marijuana is the top cash crop in a dozen states, the report states.The report estimates that marijuana production has increased tenfold in the past quarter century despite an exhaustive anti-drug effort by law enforcement.Jon Gettman, the report's author, is a public policy consultant and leading proponent of the push to drop marijuana from the federal list of hard-core Schedule 1 drugs — which are deemed to have no medicinal value and a high likelihood of abuse — such as heroin and LSD.He argues that the data support his push to begin treating cannabis like tobacco and alcohol by legalizing and reaping a tax windfall from it, while controlling production and distribution to better restrict use by teenagers."Despite years of effort by law enforcement, they're not getting rid of it," Gettman said. "Not only is the problem worse in terms of magnitude of cultivation, but production has spread all around the country. To say the genie is out of the bottle is a profound understatement."While withholding judgment on the study's findings, federal anti-drug officials took exception to Gettman's conclusions.Tom Riley, a spokesman for the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, cited examples of foreign countries that have struggled with big crops used to produce cocaine and heroin. "Coca is Colombia's largest cash crop and that hasn't worked out for them, and opium poppies are Afghanistan's largest crop, and that has worked out disastrously for them," Riley said. "I don't know why we would venture down that road."The contention that pot is America's biggest cash crop dates to the early 1980s, when marijuana legalization advocates began citing Drug Enforcement Administration estimates suggesting that about 1,000 metric tons of pot were being produced nationwide. Over the years, marijuana advocates have produced studies estimating the size and value of the U.S. crop, most recently in 1998.Gettman's report cites figures in a 2005 State Department report estimating U.S. cannabis cultivation at 10,000 metric tons, or more than 22 million pounds — 10 times the 1981 production.Using data on the number of pounds eradicated by police around the U.S., Gettman produced estimates of the likely size and value of the cannabis crop in each state. His methodology used what he described as a conservative value of about $1,600 a pound compared to the $2,000- to $4,000-a-pound street value often cited by law enforcement agencies after busts.In California, the state's Campaign Against Marijuana Planting seized nearly 1.7 million plants this year — triple the haul in 2005 — with an estimated street value of more than $6.7 billion. Based on the seizure rate over the last three years, the study estimates that California grew more than 21 million marijuana plants in 2006 — with a production value nearly triple the next closest state, Tennessee, which had an estimated $4.7-billion cannabis harvest.California ranked as the report's top state for both outdoor and indoor marijuana production. The report estimates that the state had 4.2 million indoor plants valued at nearly $1.5 billion. The state of Washington was ranked next, with $438 million worth of indoor cannabis plants.California also is among nine states that produce more cannabis than residents consumed, Gettman estimates. According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, the state's 3.3 million cannabis users represent about 13% of the nation's pot smokers. But California produces more than 38% of the cannabis grown in the country, the study contends.Nationwide, the estimated cannabis production of $35.8 billion exceeds corn ($23 billion), soybeans ($17.6 billion) and hay ($12.2 billion), according to Gettman's findings.*

Monday, December 19, 2005

Back to redneckville!


After a long trip from the Rez and staying over night in Armadillo by morning, I crashed on the water bed. My home now has a good care taker so my transition out of the okie zone has been much smoother.
I had to stop off at the Red Dog for some relaxation from the long ride trying the bare minimum of beeds to stay awake so I would sleep well that night... but there is the emotionally disturbed bloke that attacked me at Lumpy's, Mike Dawson. This angry emotionally disturbed violent redneck mentality is staring me in the face as my foot set down in this intellectually deprived state...

He was just staring at me with an even more hateful stare than the average emotionally disturbed student whom I've tried to help. Why is it that scum like him get away with crap.

He says,
"Don't even start!"

All I say is,
"You owe me a lot of money!"
(from visiting the emergency room it was almost $800!)
His stripper gf starts yelling at me and storms over to the manager wanting me kicked out. He won't because I didn't do anything. 5 minutes later they walk out the opposite door. I worry that my car might be damaged by them. My intuitions are right! They are racing over to my side of the parking lot and then I see him. He backs up his old damaged vehicle, (the same one that he tried to run me over in!) and they take off!

I'm glad that I follow my intuitions. I check out the bipolar saloon afterwards. I'm pleasantly surprised that there are no angry stares to welcome me. I chat with the unorthodox Jewish musician older and even much randier than me. Here is someone of equal intellect that I can relax and shoot the shit with!

He's cool and I chat with an old very brief flame, I feel that there was energy tonight
Das ist schade!...German for that's too bad
I had no energy
I was feeling every bit of 50!

an hour later at another library 6PM
I have this miserable cold/flu and if it were not for the minimal amount of time released addaboy beads, I wouldn't have the energy or motivation to do these errands! I took Buffy to the vet for the free monthly check up and nail trimming, went to the dollar store, the supermarket, and Cingular wireless to find out how I can get the back cover to my new phone so I don't lose the chip. I guess I will have to just get duck tape that some janitor might take thinking its his own!
I want to always believe in people but then folks aren't honest with you. I am verbally and physically attacked by adults who were emotionally disturbed as children . These adults have learned to survive and get away with their violent tempers..A learned anger that children with reactive detachment disorder often have as the major reason they end up in SPED classes.....

Clay gets angry when you stare back when he stares at you!
"what?"
and they become violent like Mike Dawson.
Everytime you look his way, you notice him staring at you almost daring you to meet his stare. He waits for you with his arm folded waiting to physically attack you. You seek help from the small bouncer. They don' t do anything. Mike comes running towards you when you are not looking and he shoves you on the floor and your head knocks the bottom of the bar. You try to get him off of you and another emotionally disturbed steroid injected bartender attacks you. The police won't do anything. You get on your cell phone telling 911 that he is trying to run you over. They arrive with your shirt ripped off and because it's a bar, they only hear the opinion of the bartender on steroids and his barmates wasted on all the 3.2 beer you can drink!
Okc's finest don't do anything.
"Have you had anything to drink?"

two beers is all it takes for all of your rights as a citizen to be taken away.
The owner of Lumpy's won't do anything and says you can sue.
I call the police the next day and they won't do anything and said there are 2 many Mike Dawsons! He doesn't know which one to go after. You wished that you had time to memorize his plates (funny how it looked like the same green hornet car as what the monster was driving towards me outside the RED DOG.

Now this bloke who needs to be in jail is after you. He has that killer with no conscience look that eventually arrives to the faces of many emotionally disturbed people that never were taught to moralize the difference between right and wrong. They have no conscience and will do anything to get their way. They are so full of hate that woe to their victims.
That's why I worry about Clay and his temper. After a few drinks and with his anger he would do anything to beat up someone that even looked the wrong way!

You are traumatized by the incident and think maybe it's safer in today's emotionally disturbed world to sometimes avoid eye contact with crazy violent adults with histories of violence and getting kicked out of adult anger management classes after threatening the teacher.

"I didn't like the way he was staring at me!!"
Mike complains to the steroidster.

Would he have become angry if the teacher responded with the evil stare that they mastered in middle school or even elementary in order to become the meanest sob on the playground.

The other 3rd graders say to the new kid on the swing.
"Hey newbie, you better not get on that swing.
That is clay's swing
and he will kick anyone's butt that gets on it!"
(I'm sure that even the students on Dawson's creek didn't speak like that as elementary kids!)

"Do you wanna picture?? It will last longer."

I believe I said that to Arnold Schwarzenegger junior when the resident dyke was giving her perspective on me to him.
I noticed that he was glaring at me.
He didn't appreciate a man who comes to drink his beer and was older than his father was so cheeky. His main priority that night was to put me on his feces list.
"I can't wait to have an excuse to kick his ass tonight, if he even looks sideways at moi!"

He was a new bartender full of insecurities immediately desiring authority among the alcoholic pecking order . I'm sure bouncing was on his resume...
he probably even has the desire to become an LA police officer! I could imagine he and Mike beating up a poor victim that might have made the mistake of questioning their authority from psycho power hungry men addicted to violence!

I wonder if Gilda is back. I became paranoid (now it's a heightened sense of reality coming to the safe conclusion that man/woman will more often than not do things to serve their own selfish interests. I was ripped off by her in the past when I lent her money, I was ripped off when getting herb when she was the middle woman, and then she wrote checks from your checkbook that you absentmindedly left in the coat pocket left at her house several years ago on ST. Patrick's. You wonder the worst things. Since her old phone number doesn't work, you think that she sold your car to make a quick buck. Even though you like her, you know that she would only use you to her advantage.

So we are tainted by past injustices....
becoming hardened to the fact that humans are animals
civilization and its codes
help us rationalize our behavior
our "evil"
is just taking care of number 1...

if we have an addiction such as power
we will break the laws and
even pretend (?)
that the Gods are with us
p.p.p.

Hmmmm.... I feel the energy of the damp snow coming down
excited about things and relieved that Gilda hasn't stolen my car
or sold it so she can fly to her magical hippy colony in Santa Fe (?)

she's been sold on the escapetheokiezone philosophy....Garvald finally does it and so why shouldn't she before she rots from being in this rut
your tires stuck in this barren land of intimidating overwhelming chosen ignorance!

wow!!! amazing what a little mind opening euphorics can doto your state of mind, your emotion...
but you will have these same thoughts when you read it and think about it when you wake up in a new land, a new nation (cept they were here before us by about 20k years!)

you could easily be waking up to teaching inner city youth all gangsta wannabees...
middle school gangsta rebelliousness has migrated down to 5th graders
as the ICP rap and gangsta shootings have even reached the most rural Indian communities...

But you wake up knowing that you will walking to school with sun coming up over the eastern horizon shining on our Mt. Serendipachi....You have a feeling that the synchronicities are reaching you here, all the signs :
1.the Mountain Lion on your black sweatshirt that Alene thoughtfully and prophetically bought for you subconsciously seeing into the future, that her Garvald would be alone in this wilderness
2. The only sweatshirt that you took with you from your packrat hovel was the mascot for the school
3. state chess champions waiting for you to coach them to the state championships
4. You feel that your students will ecome what you want them to become
5. you are fitting in almost as much as the doctor on Northern Exposure!

there are more coincidences that I can't think of at the moment but that I've probably mentioned if I ever reread my ramblings...
these are all reasons that you want to get up in the morning and do your peaceful road warrior work!

All of this contrast is like finding a new gf, going back to the old one and realize that you weren't missing anything
and then you go back to the sun shining on your mountains in the morning
maybe you have finally found your passion??

Tuesday evening, alone in the library..... but hey!
maybe I have few friends out there in my loyal 25 readers who anxiously might wait for me to continue letting them be in on my sometimes very mundane melancoholic life!
I convalesce(?) my lungs at the height of congestion
believing that these tough bacteria have become much more resistant to stronger and stronger bacteria!
I have Gilda to thank for the antibiotics but she had make sure that it was a big deal and they are $75!
I suppose that's how much it would cost if you didn't have health insurance~!
You are a real pal, G, but I still like you and you don't have to have any worries, M.
She's not a threat and living near the mountains in a small village where everyone knows, its better at least to have the image of gentleman and hide any lustful desires for younger intellectual teachers....
( "I said that just to see if you'd get pissed off" ;)

It was nice hanging out in the Red Rooster last night and I'm torn between heading there while giving a call to Madamme Joan C! I realize in my unmedicated state with congestion clogging my brains I have a less than 50% chance of surviving a telephone call before she chews my head of for disability, stupidity and not being able to follow her conversation about whether she's working at the casino or her office party is there.
"He can't keep up!"
"I'm sorry kids, but my bf is retarded!"

xmas is always traumatizing;
finally, the whole superficiality of the season is getting to me
its get the presents before others do
hurry up and get out of the way so I can do my shopping!
folks drive more agressively
more excuse to drink heavily
and get into fights in bars

At least it's a beautiful day and I can let Buffy absorb some of the winter solstice sun in my backyard in Redneckville. I open the blind to a room filled with decades of packrat junk and see her looking so sadat me but she is happy and knows to absorb the precious few rays of the winter sunshine!

xmas boredom
So M told me to wait a day so I won't pass on the avian flu to her. G's antibiotics will run out tomorrow night! I've even cut out the booze completely to let the stuff really work... I'm sleeping as much as my body will let me until the melancholy of feeling sick, down and wasting another xmas holiday takes a grip of my aging body
I get even more down when I could still be having the most fun of my life in the Land of OZ before the pecker will eventually wilt! (I wonder how much saw Palmetto do I have to ingest to slow it down?)
I want to escape to a fantasy(?) or religion(?) that we will have another chance to get all the Karma right. I must have had a lot of bad karma in my last life then??
If I could believe like the pagan girl who almost converted me, I would be so happy knowing that it's another journey. I would want to fill the DVD with as many adventures around the world as the limited footage of tape would take!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Uncle Death takes a break!

I was debating about whether to talk about M Grumpus who has too much work and is worried about getting a C to spoil her summa cum laude average or how excited I was about my chess team and that Dad is still alive even though he has serious congestive heart failure. I need all of you reikimasters and mistresses to send positive energy and reiki to Dad and Lillian's cousin Jimmy. Lately I've been praying and don't think only the Repukes and Jesus land have sole control of God and Christmas!
"Give me a break!
They're even angry at Bush for not saying Christmas in his greeting cards this year!"

Don't get me started but I even want ex gfs out there to send some positive energy to my sick father. Please wish him help and make him happy in his last few year. I pray that he will be able to use his legs so he can still take walks on the beach and see that beautiful surf that's in his back yard. I only have the Serendipachi moutains in my back yard. Imagine if I eventually worked on the beach near Byron Bay with the beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean on one side and the Blue Mountains on the other side!

Muffy thinks I'm a cheap bastard
(asking if I pocketed the extra 2$ she left on top of my $9 tip at the table...she had to make a point of getting change just to piss me off and have the last word on a 60 dollar meal saying to everybody what a cheap bastard I am. So I want to save $2 after I already leave $9. I tell ya I don't get no rescpect from alceys at redneck pubs, angry students or administrators, angry testosteroned Btenders and Bitchy Btendresses taking out their hypoglycemic premenstrual rages on you!!@)

"You should pay for it since you only pay $200 in rent and the reservation pays all your utilities, you cheap bastard. Can you pay for my membership to this feminist spa?"


enough already!
"Will you shut the fudge up??"
Marty writes for his writing assignment hating my voice as much as M, and Clay!

seriously,
I sometimes I wonder how warped the thinking of those crooks in the caucasian house is, but it's no match for the thinking of a moody woman!
Of course darling and I'll pay for you to visit me in February but I won't give you my new cell phone number (just kidding)....at least until you let me spank you for being such a naughty and rude girl to your teacher!
mmmmmm.....buts its been so long again and I know now she's getting very near the nymphomanic part of her cycle....mmmmm...horny goat weed
and spin city!
Sky Rockets in flight afternoon delight while we are snowed in while her offspring are somewhere else
no worries mate!...
the fires going, I've had to find some wood and risk chopping with the sore shoulders, arms, wrists of a middle aged former athlete...
I'm turned on by the fact that she finally beats me in scrabble and she wants to Schtupp Herr Garvald so badly!
make up lovin.....
She looked so good in the video with her bright red gluteus maximus in full view and doing an erotic dance with the towel....mmmm
scuse me...
let me know if it's too racy and I'll do a Pg rated version of this essay and save the draft for later viewing on adult blogs...
Just kidding M!
Today is like the top one out of 100 or more days in such a long time, since finding out I really had a job
momentarily shutting up the obsessed radio lady who keeps saying to everyone to get a job while she cons them to buy advertising time on a nazikristian konservative station in Denver....

Muffy bristles at Garvald's mistaken adventure with an ugly woman inside and out brainwashed into rationalizing her own fundamentalist form of kristianity. As soon as G saw the faux church lady, his aging tool thought even a decade on a deserted island would only accentuate the withering ..hoping that it will eventually rescued by the Love boat!

she rolls her eyes,
"Now I'm not in the mood anymore!"
she says
and the the sour Joan look turns into ultimate happiness as Garvald goes snorkeling below the surface!

I wondered last night if I ever would be happy like I have been before when everything seems to be falling into place. Maybe its the confidence from some adderall and the buzz from those delicious flax seed cookies she sent me, but I'm starting to think that maybe I have something going here in the Rez??!!
I was thinking for 3 hours in the tub on this record cold day in the wild, wild, bipolar west about what I would say to you,
wanting to share with you my happiness,
the natural high of life,
learning to grab the gusto of what few years of virile life I have
instead of just wallowing in the thoughts and fears of death and self pity


Roosevelt said, "The only thing man has to fear is fear itself"
Great leaders with charisma have lead countries through very difficult wars.
Lincoln and the civil war...Winston Churchill in WW2... all of them went through great sadness or fought of deep depressions. Roosevelt was a healthy good looking man humbled by polio and the paralysis of his legs, before he came out of it at first by helping other victims of the disease which in turn gave him the Little Orphan Annie attitude of unstoppable positive thinking!
"The sun'll come up Tomorrow!"

I feel the same way with all this death and attempted suicide it's to get very down
but then I wake up the next morning with a hug and cuddle from the Buffster, tuning into NPR and get my fix of the news...hearing how Bush and our might repukes go on about even Jewish presidents should send Christ mas cards for Crissake, Mate! just kidding...why not a merry Ghandi or smiling Buddha card. ...that ought to please the brainwashed folks that believe that Jesus founded this country! Don't get me started...I just had an argument with one of those imcompetent design fanatics telling me evolution is a religion and that I can't believe in God if I have that scientific belieF! www.hereinreality.com read the tagboard!
grrrrrr
I have my fix of mocha (swiss miss and coffee) before
my 300 meter dash to my portable each am
taking in the sun shining on me each am...
it come over the horizon and shines on my backyard mountains even on this coldest of mornings in the fresh air while catching up to Ms. Liuba and her 100 meter walk! We chat briefly, I share my concern for Dad, and I know that I have friends here...
I feel the vibes having the best morning from Clay He's just won his fifth match this year, and he tells me about it while another rival school was cheering him on (it was a 3 way meet). My only student today.
(Of course, after lunch, he purposely(?) forgets his card so that he can flirt with the girls, be the center of attention and think that he can the 2nd TV dinner I owe him... he goes into his very predictable hypoglycemic rages parallel to the Muffster's Joan Crawford rages when I finally pull the plug on the puter since he refuses to get off.. He starts whining and complaining so I say he sounds like a girl, but I won't give into his spoiled brat syndrome. These kids go into these moods for a reason, often learned and then only accentuated by their low blood sugar!
On a good note, I write a speach about how my number one player took over the largest diagonal of the chess board beating the number 1 player from the Arizona team who had won the tournament with many shools in Gallup last month.! This is made during lunch so everyone in the cafeteria and courtyard can hear me. Several of the veteran chess players show up and we have the largest turnout of 7 players for practice. Two other players show that they might even be stronger than my new star. I'm pleased to know that we will depth and fierce competition for the top 5 spots on the team. I was excited even about giving them a lesson on algebraic notation as an efficient way to document their game while explaining the most basic opening.!
They then start eagerly playing 30 minute games with the clock!
and I'm feeling how serendipitous and synchronistic that just as this is happening a movie is just out on DVD who brings out the best in his chess players. It reminded Muffy so much of me and how I want to incorporate chess into these poor rural student's eyes...and from there they can alway have sight of the stars...
I can see how it can even help Clay think ahead in his wrestling matches!

and now Muffy, as I've changed my name, please be respectful of my own anonymity ....and besides this is all fictional!

Monday December 12th
I just hung up on M when she went into one of her rages when God forbid, I asked what her nice daughters plans are! Now the phone is ringing and I don't want to talk to the angry voice. I wish she would hear the way she snaps at what she perceives is my stupidity or lack of common sense. I try to see her side as much as possible and I like her older daughter but I know how M is tense when her children are around. Her daughter's boyfriend wants to camp out there and maybe he feels inconvenienced when I'm around so he keeps asking me when I'm leaving. He doesn't help around the house when he's there (Muffy thinks how dare a slob like me point that out!) and I'm a little frustrated that they lose the holy basil that I made a point of buying at the store for her daughter's anxiety.

It seems like society accepts a woman when she goes into rages. If a man does that he's considered unreasonable or crazy (Clay says that I sound like a girl) If I tell her I'm driving all this way to see her. She'll say,
"So what! You're too cheap to fly!"

Then I would be dependent on her vehicle when she goes into one of these rages while she's driving. I'll worry that we are approaching the forbidden week before Aunt Flo. Flo unfortunately won't arrive to the rescue until I'm long gone and hopefully back in NM on New Year's Day!

I am often depressed being alone but I can't take her anger and lack oif understanding. It only makes me feel even more alone when I'm sleeping on the couch downstairs after shes builds a fort in between us with her blankets. I go downstairs for fear of her going into a rage if I move and try to be comfortable on the bed I gave her from my mini Oklahoma apt. in KCK!
I'm wondering why I tolerate this and know that I had so much more loving understanding from Alene. It was unconditional love even stronger than my mother's. She'll be gone for 11 years coming up New Year's Eve. She was crying about Matt Dillon playing St. something of the Bronx just the night before. Matt was trying to help others and he gets murdered. I was trying to cheer her up saying that we have a home and each other. We weren't homeless and alone. She goes to the other side the next day.

It makes me realize how life is so short and why not try your best to help make others and yourself happy! She was worried about life being unfair and then she was upset about young high school girls on the ski trip to Colorado who she thought were making fun of her. I was again telling her not to worry about the opinion of immature girls who were probably just jealous of her beauty. So it made them feel higher on the beauty pecking order by cutting her down. Girls can be so much crueler than boys with the words or even their looks.

I realize how lucky I was to have been with Alene and I sometimes I feel that I was punished for taking such a wonderful woman for granted!

Wednesday December 19th, 06
It's a year later now. I wanted to mention a dream I had where the incredibly beautiful witch was staring at me from her new large home(that she has not yet even seen). Her hip caressing, wavy golden hair shimmered from the late evening sun reflecting on it. She was staring at me with disdain from the body length window in the middle of the stairway to her 2nd floor. She was in control (at least she thought). Her eyes were saying what are you doing here and that I'm happy without you in my life.
I woke up again after feeling her cold icy stare penetrating my heart but I was still happy (?) to see her again, if only in my dream. I hugged Buffy and decided to get up and enjoy the sun making sure to confirm several times that the TV showed Closed for our school district.

Why would I have this dream right after this beautiful Navaho princess that substitutes long term approached me about the students or?? ...her long dark hair flowed and later it dawned on me thoughts of her interest in moi (???)...she is married (?) with children but he could see easily stay another year or more if he let this fantasy become reality?? She would be the best cure for breaking this long depressing spell of the Ice Wiccan!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Uncle Death takes some well needed rest and relaxation!

I was debating about wether to talk about M Grumpus who has too much work and is worried about getting a C to spoil her summa cum laude average or how excited I was about my chess team and that Dad is still alive even though he has serious congestive heart failure. I need all of you reikimasters and mistresses to send positve energy and reiki to Dad and Lillian's cousin Jimmy. Lately I've been praying and don't think only the Repukes and Jesusland have sole control of God and Christmas!
"Give me a break!
They're even angry at Bush for not saying Christmas in his greeting cards this year!"

Don't get me started but I even want ex gfs out there to send some positive energy to my sick father. Please wish him help and make him happy in his last few year. I pray that he will be able to use his legs so he can still take walks on the beach and see that beautiful surf that's in his back yard. I only have the Serendipachi moutains in my back yard. Imagine if I eventually worked on the beach near Byron Bay with the beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean on one side and the Blue Mountains on the other side!

Muffy thinks I'm a cheap bastard
(asking if I pocketed the extra 2$ she left on top of my $9 tip at the table...she had to make a point of getting change just to piss me off and have the last word on a 60 dollar meal saying to everybody what a cheap bastard I am. So I want to save $2 after I already leave $9. I tell ya I don't get no rescpect from alceys at redneck pubs, angry students or administrators, angry testosteroned Btenders and Bitchy Btendresses taking out their hypoglycemic premenstrual rages on you!!@)

"You should pay for it since you only pay $200 in rent and the reservation pays all your utilities, you cheap bastard. Can you pay for my membership to this feminist spa?"


enough already!
"Will you shut the fudge up??"
Marty writes for his writing assignment hating my voice as much as M, and Clay!

seriously,
I sometimes I wonder how warped the thinking of those crooks in the caucasian house is, but it's no match for the thinking of a moody woman!
Of course darling and I'll pay for you to visit me in February but I won't give you my new cell phone number (just kidding)....at least until you let me spank you for being such a naughty and rude girl to your teacher!
mmmmmm.....buts its been so long again and I know now she's getting very near the nymphomanic part of her cycle....mmmmm...horny goat weed
and spin city!
Sky Rockets in flight afternoon delight while we are snowed in while her offspring are somewhere else
no worries mate!...
the fires going, I've had to find some wood and risk chopping with the sore shoulders, arms, wrists of a middle aged former athlete...
I'm turned on by the fact that she finally beats me in scrabble and she wants to Schtupp Herr Garvald so badly!
make up lovin.....
She looked so good in the video with her bright red gluteus maximus in full view and doing an erotic dance with the towel....mmmm
scuse me...
let me know if it's too racy and I'll do a Pg rated version of this essay and save the draft for later viewing on adult blogs...
Just kidding M!
Today is like the top one out of 100 or more days in such a long time, since finding out I really had a job
momentarily shutting up the obsessed radio lady who keeps saying to everyone to get a job while she cons them to buy advertising time on a nazikristian konservative station in Denver....

Muffy bristles at Garvald's mistaken adventure with an ugly woman inside and out brainwashed into rationalizing her own fundamentalist form of kristianity. As soon as G saw the faux church lady, his aging tool thought even a decade on a deserted island would only accentuate the withering ..hoping that it will eventually rescued by the Love boat!

she rolls her eyes,
"Now I'm not in the mood anymore!"
she says
and the the sour Joan look turns into ultimate happiness as Garvald goes snorkeling below the surface!

I wondered last night if I ever would be happy like I have been before when everything seems to be falling into place. Maybe its the confidence from some adderall and the buzz from those delicious flax seed cookies she sent me, but I'm starting to think that maybe I have something going here in the Rez??!!
I was thinking for 3 hours in the tub on this record cold day in the wild, wild, bipolar west about what I would say to you,
wanting to share with you my happiness,
the natural high of life,
learning to grab the gusto of what few years of virile life I have
instead of just wallowing in the thoughts and fears of death and self pity


Roosevelt said, "The only thing man has to fear is fear itself"
Great leaders with charisma have lead countries through very difficult wars.
Lincoln and the civil war...Winston Churchill in WW2... all of them went through great sadness or fought of deep depressions. Roosevelt was a healthy good looking man humbled by polio and the paralysis of his legs, before he came out of it at first by helping other victims of the disease which in turn gave him the Little Orphan Annie attitude of unstoppable positive thinking!
"The sun'll come up Tomorrow!"

I feel the same way with all this death and attempted suicide it's to get very down
but then I wake up the next morning with a hug and cuddle from the Buffster, tuning into NPR and get my fix of the news...hearing how Bush and our might repukes go on about even Jewish presidents should send Christ mas cards for Crissake, Mate! just kidding...why not a merry Ghandi or smiling Buddha card. ...that ought to please the brainwashed folks that believe that Jesus founded this country! Don't get me started...I just had an argument with one of those imcompetent design fanatics telling me evolution is a religion and that I can't believe in God if I have that scientific belieF! www.hereinreality.com read the tagboard!
grrrrrr
I have my fix of mocha (swiss miss and coffee) before
my 300 meter dash to my portable each am
taking in the sun shining on me each am...
it come over the horizon and shines on my backyard mountains even on this coldest of mornings in the fresh air while catching up to Ms. Liuba and her 100 meter walk! We chat briefly, I share my concern for Dad, and I know that I have friends here...
I feel the vibes having the best morning from Clay He's just won his fifth match this year, and he tells me about it while another rival school was cheering him on (it was a 3 way meet). My only student today.
(Of course, after lunch, he purposely(?) forgets his card so that he can flirt with the girls, be the center of attention and think that he can the 2nd TV dinner I owe him... he goes into his very predictable hypoglycemic rages parallel to the Muffster's Joan Crawford rages when I finally pull the plug on the puter since he refuses to get off.. He starts whining and complaining so I say he sounds like a girl, but I won't give into his spoiled brat syndrome. These kids go into these moods for a reason, often learned and then only accentuated by their low blood sugar!
On a good note, I write a speach about how my number one player took over the largest diagonal of the chess board beating the number 1 player from the Arizona team who had won the tournament with many shools in Gallup last month.! This is made during lunch so everyone in the cafeteria and courtyard can hear me. Several of the veteran chess players show up and we have the largest turnout of 7 players for practice. Two other players show that they might even be stronger than my new star. I'm pleased to know that we will depth and fierce competition for the top 5 spots on the team. I was excited even about giving them a lesson on algebraic notation as an efficient way to document their game while explaining the most basic opening.!
They then start eagerly playing 30 minute games with the clock!
and I'm feeling how serendipitous and synchronistic that just as this is happening a movie is just out on DVD who brings out the best in his chess players. It reminded Muffy so much of me and how I want to incorporate chess into these poor rural student's eyes...and from there they can alway have sight of the stars...
I can see how it can even help Clay think ahead in his wrestling matches!

and now Muffy, as I've changed my name, please be respectful of my own anonymity ....and besides this is all fictional!
You may leave comments.....
Dec. 10th, samstag:
Ill just chat with you for five minutes before I bake some more whole wheat and flax seed bread for my neighbors party. My favorite special ed teacher and Raphael are hosting it. I'm so happy that I won't have the nosy borginator telling me what to do next year. My neighbor is always nice, extremely helpful, confident and never bossy. She lets me confide in her and is wise beyond her very young years! Besides the couple wants peace in the world!

I need to ask her what is the best way to deal with Clay who's failing all of his subjects because he refuses to do work. Maybe if I involve the whole village, the coaches (although I dont like talking to the Arkansan TFA brat, but he seems to look for ways to point out my mistakes:
"Why is your door locked"
"I don't know. I don't want to be blamed and written up when things are stolen!"
"You should keep your door locked!"
Then I get a monthly comment on my lesson plans a couple weeks later ... it is much more positive but
I'm told to keep the doors unlocked and to work on my classroom management. Only the 22 year old TFA boy (who seems to be in her office everyday leaving his own classroom unattended to schmooze MB's rear end and report on every day activity as a good little spy should!) has visited my classroom giving me some printouts and then offering to teach clay. He makes it a point of visiting the library while I was having the chess match with the other school. He looks around and takes a mental note of everything so that he can make a report to the queen.
It's funny how the average age of the schmoozers is maybe at the most 25?? Let's see who's in there everyday?: the band leader who has a determination to become a principal somewhere, he's about 25, the Borginator-24 , and her TFA brother is 23 at the most. They are very high achieving youngsters! Mcb could be their grandmother! I could be TFA boy's Dad. Let's see, I was in Arkansas about 25 years ago. ;)
On a great note, we only have one more week of the Borginator telling me what to do!

Sunday 3:13 pm-
"I'm relaxed and lazy today catching up on my sleep and not taking the addaboy. My body is saying to me to catch up on sleep and rejuvenate! I got up once in the morning only to make the most delicious whole wheat bread with almost half a cup of flax seed, a banana to serve as sugar for the yeast, a little milk and an egg. It rose so well flowing over the edge of the large breadmaker. I had to show it off giving a large thick slice to Fraulein Schmidt.
I enjoyed visiting all of the teachers and new families last night at my other neighbor's cookie exchange party where I brought yesterday's loaf. It was no where near as good as my light and fluffy loaf today. I was thinking that I might be blessed sometimes with wonderful things in life that I should learn to cherish; a beautiful loving dog, Buffy and my most delicious creation, whole wheat and flax seed banana bread! I have been very happy and really see the potential of our chess team. Clay can do so well in wrestling(if he would only work and let me teach him) and I'm excited about telling the school that we should have the potential to be state champions for the 2nd year in a row. I'm excited that maybe things will fall into place with my students and I can be so proud of coaching a winning team that will help bring this rural Indian village out of the doldrums! They enjoy the publicity of doing well at something, especially at something that is so academic such as chess!

sunday evening at the puter: December 11th,
I would love to visit with some folk and give some of my delicious bread rather than develop a plan for Clay to pass this 3 subjects. He needs to take a day exam with several essay questions and grammar. I could get some test questions out of the Briggance and use this as part of the exam. Circle where you found the answers- comprehension, grammar level, and oral reading level. I need to talk to the wrestling coach who has invited for Clay to be in his english class next semester. I actually think that Clay will stay in his class rather than leave frequently for long 40 minute to hour breaks and longer as he currently does in math class. I wonder how well he will manipulate RJ as he has manipulated other adults and peers with his combination of charm and violent intimidation?
I have a lot of hope for him but I'm concerned how he will survive after high school where he won't be able to always get his way through violent temper tantrums. Hopefully his frequent boredom with mostly everything (ADD symptoms) and his hypoglycemic rages won't get him into trouble with the law. I was motivating (TV dinners) and encouraging him to take his physical for a month . I was so happy that he tinally took it and started going to practice on a regular basis. He is 6-2 now!...undefeated until the last tournament mostly pinning his opponents with his size .. his brute anger and lack of fear scares his challengers. I wish that he would be motivated to write about his matches. Then would help him analyze what he has to do next to avoid the same mistakes. ( my chess players will start documenting their matches at least with algebraic notation!)