Tuesday, November 08, 2005

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.”

Ralph Emmerson

I can't help having vulgur dreams of persecution when I'm continually being contradicted by so many folks.

Buffy has been crying since about 4am and I'm worried about her holding her thinking the worst that maybe she had choked on the steak bone or something horrible. I can't find my keys and I don't want to leave worrying about her health. I worry about like a father would for a child. I want to stay home with her and nurse her.

I wonder why I go into this job where I know that I'll be verbally abused by my students on a daily basis . You then add insult to injury then getting it from the principal when I'm the victim of the abuse.
" There is a difference between having ideas and assuming an expertise better left to other professions!" Mcb emails me with verbal violence after hearing her anger on the phone while the students are listening to me take the verbal lashing.
"You're gonna get fired!"
He laughs derisively after coming back empowered by the principal. He loves to be sent there for there are no consequences and it's a chance to get the white man from town in trouble. I have this learning disability that makes me such a slow learner of human nature!
It's like watering a vine that you know will strangle you with contempt when all want to do is help him through his loss the way you helped yourself with your loss, Garvald! Then when you're gone he sits on your chair from your desk even with the assistant there. He looks forward to turn his hate into disrespect.

Marty comes in after a week of absences very angry and not wanting to do work. I make the mistake of reading a passage about dealing with loss considering that Alene died so suddenly almost 11 years ago. I'm mistaken into thinking that it will do some good. I'm even chastised by my union rep who's wondering about my own intelligence.
"You don't talk to Navaho's about death"
I feel very small and retarded. All of this anger when I'm just trying to do some good. I almost wish that I had called in sick but then I wouldn't have met a wonderful speaker. This man was paid 1000$ to come in for 2 and a half days to preach to the shool about active non-violence in the spirit of Martin Luther King. I help out all day with the workshop and I'm caught up in the seed that can really help this community!
I had a good chat with him about the "gossip", which is a form of violence, that has caused so much contentiousness in our own faculty. I think that he must have a good chat with McB later because she was actually friendly to me for the first time in a long while! She joked about keeping an eye on the young man in front of me eager to eat from the "buffet" of delicious home cooked meal!
I was very moved by his speaking and how others were affected by this philosophy that seems like it will ignite! God, Universal Energy, please let this seed flourish!

Wow~all of a sudden you feel the rush of a good day, when you've lost so many battles but you keep getting back up with all the scars of a peaceful warrior on the front lines of Kingian Philosopy (but really plagiarized from Ghandi philosophy of peaceful nonviolence)and to mutally solve problems together !...

back to reality...you wake up from your delusions of grandeur
isolated from the civilized world
in a Navaho community sheltered by the fence of the teacherridge
a metaphor for the walls of a fort 135 years ago

you pluck passionately away on the keyboard ....
knowing that someone out there is listening to you

they at this moment feel your same cosmic energy of love
you hope that your special friends that shared your relatively brief life(as compared to eternity and to the millions of years of life evolving on this earth)
you hope they are reading these thoughts ...
you ask them to visualize you right now at this moment
your friends might have made passionate love to you
and momentarily you shared that moment of unison together
as your thoughts melded with their's

sat at library:
my wrist hurts so much from the bike accident just on the way to the post office
so what is worse than boredom, being in pain and worrying that your wrist might never be the same to type. It is hard to move my left fingers since I might have sprained my wrist on the fall when the tire fell in between the ridges of the metal bridge. That's when instinct tells you to go the long way or take the car that's finally fixed!

SO I'll not write much or just write freehand until my left hand feels better! Hanging out in the public library after a couple games of chess at the coffee shop in town.

Sunday 8;42 Pm
I decided to write to you for five minutes each day, even when the moment is lost and I don't feel as eloquent as I did while sitting in the hot tub under the full moon half an hour ago! At least the left wrist is better so I can look forward to Rosie. That you might think that's funny especially since I've been avoiding temptation even though it hasn't even been around. Curiously or definitely not serendipitously one of the cute Native girls from ballroom dancing was at the checker auto parts store after hearing me give the manager a hard time for wasting a trip to town and having to tell the janitor that was going to fix the car that I didn't have the parts for the fuel pump to be changed. ( He finally changed it Friday. Several gallons of gas were missing and a broken pair of sunglasses sat on the window pane. I wonder about adressing him about the missing gas ?? Maybe he felt justified because of the wasted trip out last weekend??)
I wasted the weekend and had a bicycle accident! The only productive thing that I did was set up the hot tub. In a week and a half I might be in KC visiting M. Who knows?
My moods go up and down in this lonely environment almost of envious of the obese TFA boy having some fresh English meat and now he's back to oriental cuisine. He's smooth but I wonder what these poor victims see in him??


  1. It sounds like you have a pretty intense balance there of the frustrating and the sublime. Keep believing yourself. Don't become a reflection of what a few people perceive. You know better who you are and it seems the peace speaker sees something real.
    Peace to you, too

  2. Thanks Ericka! You dont know how much a few words of support help!
    Pax, G

  3. frustrating and the sublime....hmm let me think about that!

  4. What friend? What passionate love and to WHAT moment of unison do you refer GARVALD? MUFF

  5. the moment of unison when two souls momentarily merge in almost the same feeling of mutual togetherness...the reason two lovers often bond and fall at least physically in love,,,,
    until she sees how retarded and cheap he really is!

    $1.03 !!! shaded of being on a date with Joan Crawford's ghost!


Crowmac says I have a voice. I need to find out when I’m using that voice. And emulate it more.  If you’re reading that this stream maybe...