Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Second cup of Joe leads to this late night writing!

Ok, so maybe I shouldnt have had that 2nd cup of the large coffee...:(
Now I have the energy but I've been prograss tinating on the last little bit of schwag
I've been watching the Renaissance fair from my camcorder and my life the past couple of months since our last trip in the beginning of March???...time flies by so fast so we have to realize how we can fit more adventures on this ever dwindling tape of life

I was realizing how others could see my life filmed on video from Alene to the other very fleeting relationships
I see the results of how I
ve developed a wry sardonic very dry sense of humor that many don't appreciate how biting and under the skin the sarcasm can be....
rather than get angry it is much easier to make a joke about what was traumatic...
ie...the slamming of the door after being orally spiphlicated with threats of bodily injury...going downstairs to take Buffy in my arms and be consoled while flipping through the boring channels of her cable TV....

Alot has happened since I talked to you last...Muffy wanted to see the family cemetary from over a century ago of her ancestors...they owned about 80 (?) acres and had a little cemetary of several graves taking up about 1000 square feet...It was well manicured but originally had been overgrown for a long time... I've been here a fortnight. I went to the "beautiful day" shop at about 39th and Broadway near Westport. To celebrate 420 day they had a band playing on the sidewalk in front of the store.

There were about 100 folks listening to the cool music while Buffy and I danced and flirted with other schwaggers...It was a cool experience...Buffy got a little excited and I was afraid that I hurt her when I tripped on her, but 2 sweet ladies came over to comfort her ...
I was afraid that I would have to drive back to OKC to take her to my vet....she was just a little hurt and her large paw and leg was ok...Boy, I love her so much!

Saturday 12:30 AM.

Should I get upset at myself that I put myself in these situations...I let her plan the evening...everthing is fun...the bread is delicious a
"How can you say you are a good cook from just baking bread?"
she snarls
"I would love to cook for you"
"YOu'll tear up the kitchen!"

We come back from Inga's and I want her to greet Buffy, so I ask her to per Buffy outside so she won't piss.
She doesn't understand me.
So I ask her again and she screams at me...

I put up a stand and tell her not to tell me shutup thinking how she said she started disrespecting me when I lost a job.

She tells ve for the second time that she want me out of here in the morning! And snarls up her face wishing me to have the same pain as her own physical suffering.

There is no point in arguing with her or dare challenge the pecking order of an alpha female.

So a beautiful evening, feeling good about everything was ruined. I was actually taking Buffy out for a walk earlier and thinking crazy thoughts of actually finding a sweet woman that would actually be fun to be around and grow old with bringing up a child. Older parents make better parents.

I try one more time to end the evening with mutual love in our hearts. I'll stay at the Bates motel tonight.
What happens to the mother happens to the daughter or the same kind of attitude is mirrored back to her in her daughter. So much anger and hatred. Why do I let myself get involved in these very challenging situations?

My own low self esteem after Alene passing away and heartbreaking relationships since then in search of a "perfect woman"...thinking I had found her when she was just wanting something from me rather than really caring about me....not realizing that I had the unconditional love of my mother and Alene. I took it for granted and that has often made me sad and depressed.

I only have a little bit of stuff left and I'm trying to make it last. I was wanting to share it with her but she wouldn't appreciate it. I need someone to talk to and I feel that eventually you will be out there. I am trying to live in the now and make the best of a situation that does not seem to have any future. There is too much anger and stress for me to take on and she feels the same way about me being a project.

I talked to one of the directors of the school district in New Mexico. It gave me a feeling of rebirth. I feel that I can flourish with Buffy, my camcorder and a new lap top that I will invest in.

I need to understand that KC is just another stop in this short journey or orbit of life. I sense now that it is about time for the electron to move into another orbit. My own theory is that one has to get into the excited state out of the comfort zone before moving to the next level of Maslow's heirarchy of self actualization.

Her eyes roll and she turns the page.

Sometimes writing helps put you in perspective. Now should I try to make up and realize we should have done it earlier. No chance for snuggling tonight . We'll see.

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