Thursday, March 31, 2005

Learning to go on...

It's another gorgeous day. It is so nice to just to be comforted by my favorite friend, Buffy. It is nice to wake up and not be alone. I shared my life with Alene for 13 years. We cuddled nearly every night and so I was spoiled by her unconditional love. You don't realize what you are missing until they are gone.

These last 10 years, I have had many relationships seeking the warmth and comfort that I had been conditioned too. I grew up very affectionate with my family long before touching and just hugging became "inappropriate" or indicative that one is needy of affection. I was used to unconditional love from her and my mother. They both died within 4 years of each other. When my mother died, Alene was there to comfort me...When Alene died I learned to live each day and put all my devotion into the freshman biology class at Northwest Classen High School. The students became part of my new family...,

I am sometimes so afraid of spilling my deepest feeling knowing that there are critics and perverts out there that do not want you to heal or they are jealous, threatened by your success and happiness. By making you unhappy, they still have control over you. They enjoy your discomfort because they are not happy themselves. There is a sick animal that makes fun of my dead wife. He gets some sort of pleasure from doing this.Does it give him a sense of power? Does he feel better to think that he is superior in some sort of demented way.

I suppose that if I went back in time when this person had not yet grown into a middle school monster when it was very impressionable like my puppy, Buffy. I could have trained it when it started picking on the easy targets in it's litter. I could have talked to it's mother and shown her how it grew up to be a pervert on the internet. Maybe If I had sex with her instead, it would have grown up to be geneticaly and morally superior. It would be sent to time out or the kennel when it emotionally or physically abused the litter mates. It would be given treats when it demonstrated positive socialization skills. It would have a collar around it's neck when it stole beer from the frig, the parents could give it a shock. When it bended back fingers of others it would be sent to time out and have to write sentences until it came out of time out. Maybe it would have actually grown up to be liberal(meaning generous instead of a tight ass closeminded redneck)

I suppose that it rationalizes it's behavior because it has found an easy target, a widowed man doing his best to heal and find out how he can be happy again with even possibly a new career. Maybe when it was separated from it's parents. Maybe it learned that it could get what it wanted by lying, distorting the truth, and becoming a bully so that others were intimidated by it's anger. They allied themselves with the bully to feel safe and also belong. Skippy Shy had his group that would enjoy in the derision and physically ganging up on the "nerds" or kids a little bit different.

Their classmates were too afraid to cross his path. He learned that he could get his way with his evil manipulative tongue and the sexually frustrated 6th graded teacher, Ms. Ostrander thought he was cute and told my mother that his mother was sick. Instead, when I would even tap a classmate for help she would sneak up behind me and jab me or pinch me. I think she might have been gay because she never married. Thinking back about her she had some female roomate that also walked and talked like a lesbian. Back in the 60's childen did not know about gays.

Maybe now, I'll get some hate mail from lesbians but I'm just guessing. They could have been just frustrated teachers that remained spinsters all their life. I actually think that we should let gays marry and let them have the lifestyle that they want just like they should leave marijuana smokers alone especially considering that Bush, Clinton, and Carter smoked it.

Well, forgive my rambling but at this point this website is my diary and I write it knowing that my critics and pervs out there will use it against me later like the staff did at the Brewery did several years ago. They will misinterpret what I write and think that it is about them. Their precious egos still think the world revolves around them.

I will have to ask Leanne how to turn off the tag board because Martin, Billy Bob and other pervs with many personalities seem to be the only ones that enjoy using it.

It was nice enough for Billy Bob(?) to see him play his game of tag. He loves to give it out as long as he/she/it can hide behind the tinted windows of anonymity.
It is so easy to coach or criticize the game from the sidelines when you are not even a bench warmer. You act like you are not Martin and maybe you are just a "friend" of his or a stepford clone. Your writing and comments are exactly the same verbage as his. Why do you lie? You are bound and determined to undermine this website ever since your hot air mixed with rabid saliva on the conversation with the pretty triathlete. Congrats, by the way on being a succesful cock block.

She actually asked for me to give her swim lessons at the Light House saying that swimming was her weakest event. But all of that is in the past. I enjoy flirting but already have someone.

Are you married, Martin, Billy Bob or any of you necrophiliacs that love to read my site? Would you not like to be able to marry your lover in your favorite state of Jesusland so you could be legally together and have the same benefits? By the way, BB, did you hear that joke about homos at Angles? Or have you had more disastrous relationships than Henry the 8th?

Ok, I'm bound and determined to still have a good day despite the pro grass tinating about visiting my old college to fix my resume, get another suit or at least decent shoes that have not been chewed on by Buffy.

I need to be much more selective of who and where I work. I need to find some open minded community where folks are not hypocrites and ignoramusses that enlarge their livers at Stepford Pubs. I'm sure that Bubba the chicken bully will want to leave his 2 centavos where ever I go. He has OCD like Randy, the assistant principal that was as perverted with his comments as you are, Billy/Orville/Martian/Vigil or whatever inbred redneck name you can think of.

Well, I wonder if I wasted another day trying to educate an ignorant redneck lowlife that gets his thrills out of insulting dead about necrophilia...that's too big a word for Billy Bob or even our overeducated reader, Martin.

Overall, I feel happier knowing that somehow this site has hit a cord in them to read these article. I realize this one person with multiple personalities or this fraternity of internet predators (blokes with no balls or only blue balls) have nothing better to do. I hope that they get some shred of humanity to realize their own frailties and vulnerabilties as I do. I hope that even scum can show warmth enough to do some soul searching and find out if they are really happy with themselves. I am certainly not happy with myself and my own lethargy.

I beat myself up far more than Billy Bob/Martin or Muffy ever do. Well, I only have 5 more minutes, but I have had more fun writing than I have had in a long while here at the library or while Buffy warms up my feet next to the portable heater (Gary says that a cold front is coming through so we have to see a map of Oklahoma instead of the ever leaning to the right national news. NBC is getting to be like Fox!

It's 7:20 and I really have not accomplished much except sleep in, eat, shit and write. I have been involved in "gonzo jounalism" for a long time not realizing that writing about the subject while you are the catalyst was part of my own writing style.... I had fun last night reading poetry at Galileo's. Lately, it has been short and sweet far shorter than the allowable 6 minutes. I killed a little time walking Buffy over to the Red Rooster for a 25 oz Red Killian draft for only $2.50 leaving a 50 cent tip (that is 20%, Muffy!) for the nice hostess that smiles and actually talks to you.

Unfortunately, the sour puss female co- owner of Galileo's never smiles and was working behind the bar. She probably doesn't like what I write but wanted Kerry instead of our incompetent president. Hopefully my ad for my site won't be taken down for a few days. I had approval for it on the bulletin board by Craig, the other co-owner. He is always polite and entertains conversation. He shaved his head for St. Baldrich day. He had relatively long hair (compared to the popularity of short hair now) before that. I love the crowd at Galileos! Poets make jokes about growing cannabis or smoking and everyone laughs. They also can make fun of Stepfordia within the safety of the enlightened Bohemian crowd. Folks are writing away and not regarded as suspicious characters or as a uni'bomber. One very obese resident of Lumpy's used to call me the unibomber.

I chose to sit at a table for some green tea served by the very nice waitress while listening to the very eclectic group of male and female poets. I never liked competition when I used to stand up comedy at Laugh's in Bricktown.

A tall crazy violent bipolar woman named Shirley used to run "Laughs". She would never smile and would only give me 3 minutes for comedy and acted like she was doing me and other amateur comics a favor. How caucasian of her. Besides beating up her husband she beat up a waitress that was asking for her wages. So Shirley beat her up in the elevator between the first and second floor. I think that Shirley doesn't have much of a sense of humor. I would hate to meet her in a dark alley. She could probably even take that steroid bartender of Lumpys that enjoys body slamming his customers.

I last saw her in a picture in the Gazette about angry middle aged motorcycle mamas that like to drive around the country beating up innocent waitresses that smile.

Now it is almost 3am and I just have feeding buffy about 3 cups of puppy chow mixed in with a couple tablespoons of old fashioned oats, and a tablespoon of brewers yeast,,,she chowed down...she is gonna be one big puppy!

She was a hit as usual in the Red Rooster. I am so tired but I just had to tell you that I had the best vibe for any place in such a long time except when Mcquaid Jesuit HighSchool wanted me on their swim team so I was going to more parties than ever before with all these beautiful Mercy girls that I had no idea how to aproach....
The owner of the Bar was playing with my Buffy and everyone else in the place was picking her up and holding her. She was so well behaved. I was so proud of her. All these nice folks maybe half my age were being so sweet. Buffy gave such a homy feel to the place...what a way to end the day!

Sometimes, it is so great when everyone seems to connect with each other....with warm vibes...the staff was friendly, the owner was great, the guy playing the guitar bought the owner of Buffy a am so tired yet feel so good when there is such a collective conciousness there... a girl read this essay except for the ending and really said it connected with her showing my sadness yet my motivation to move on and keep living!

Ruby Tuesday....2:12 PM still have daylight savings jet lag....but the aderall sure helps
How did that phrase or day of the week develop it's name?

I have so many things to do...that same old paralysis sets in where I don't want to leave the house or there are too many things to remember...I feel the hurt sometimes of so many rejections and not working out ...
( I censor saying some things because of the critic that has enjoyed harassing someone else when it needs therapy seriously...After my mother passed away I started go to group therapy to deal with her death and then continued 3 years later after Alene died...survivors deal with guilt and sometimes we think what is the point of going on..I have found that I do have resilience but it is often very difficult get back to reality...
The group would have kicked out the Martian (the Okie Zone Stalker) as soon as he became personal without giving any information on his own issues

I have this urge that if I don't get out and drive to Edmond, I won't get it done...
All I have to do is add Kansas City Schools to my list of places of employment...

The paralysis that takes over especially when I don't have a little of the adderall pill is the feeling that I am being overwhelmed,

The Tsunami wave of time moving ever faster....

I worry way too much and then I don't do anything...I would rather spend sometime talking to my audience who lately only seems to the perverted person who loves to try to hurt you even more...He wants to rub in the deaths of Mom and Alene .....He thinks that will get to me....

I realize that the best revenge is sometime just be happy...ignore and avoid the mental demons, externally and internally...

I could get upset but then I know it will continue...

It is 2:30 and I'm just sharing with you .... It would be nice to get some support instead of the one angry redneck that enjoys misery...I could get upset at all the folks that have been nasty in the past from Skippy Shy to friends that I trusted and they broke the trust...

I am really happy sometimes when I meet others that think in the same hemisphere as I do...

It is nice to meet others that won't discredit you or your thoughts...I enjoyed meeting an adjunct professor at Uco who has her own blog... I don't want to name her blog because of the internet predators that are out there...

They remind me of the Nazis that loved to burn books and send intellectuals, philosophers, scientists to Auschwitz .....It is scary when power hungry "bullies" want to squelch any freedom of thought.....Stalin, the powerful popes a few centuries ago, Lenin and Stalin, Idi Ameen, Saddam Hussein, George Bush and the Patriot Act....(I know that my least favorite, Martian, is reading this ....He becomes angry and so he leaves perverted remarks to be erased..He reminds me of the the 300 pound emotionally disturbed student who was mysteriously writing graffiti wtih his own feces until the janitor caught him in the act...

I am still angry at these types of people when it is only human nature for them to act the way our ancestral monkeys hurt others in their tribe...where races of hominids were wiped out by others....

It was the reason that some left to find their special cave further on down the beach ...our ancestral cave maidens might have liked the way the way the ancestral Garvald painted his etching on the cave wall....they would all love to see his etchings... so the ancestral Bubba would want to cock block these maidens from coming to his cave and bully the others and spread grunts about him that some of the less artistic and intelligent hominids might believe

So he would spread his stories on other cave walls with it's own excrement and then blame the artist for it....This was the ancestor of Karl Rove, Bully Bob and Martian

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