I hope that this doesn't sound naricissistic but for some reason I seem to attract more looks from the ladies that I used to think were out of my league. I would like to get the opinion from other ladies to know better. What do you think Muffy? She is rolling her eyes>'
Bottom line it was an enjoyable evening seeing friends that I had met earlier in the year, Mike and Emily. I was introduced to their friend, Frank. Mike is really good with computers, photographs, and graphics. We hopefully will be getting together on setting up the website to do even more things. Emily used to be a top tennis player in the state in highschool.
We all went back to my place to "speak with the Gods". I am very proud of having a clean house for the first time since I've lived alone. When they wanted to smoke cigarettes, we went into the garage where there is a nice couch. The previous tenant left a black light in the garage so it gave a really cool feeling and look in the cold. I brought out the space heater to warm the place to a little above freezing.
Now I have visions of making money somehow(??) off my writings and be able to invest in a hot tub!
I will write more about these delusions more after the free beer at Mike's!
Sunday 9:56 am:
Now I will watch Kerry on meet the press!
I'm glad that Kerry and the few Democrats that are left are holding the administration responsible for the war. He is staying on top of what the administration is doing over there. I am excited that he's developing an idea to cover all children with health care.
It's now almost 2 and I'm very bored with everything and where my life is going. I need to set up a real plan.
It was good last night meeting Chuck and Sondra again. We always have good discussions and it's good to have a few friends to have good deep talks with. Sondra had introduced me to the adderall a few summers ago by giving me 2 pills. When I took them, I immediately felt confident and not overwhelmed with things. I took them on alternate days and noticed immediately how others noticed my confidence too getting looks from girls more :) My view of myself was much higher and did not feel bombarded by the usual perseverance of negative self talk. On the day in between, I noticed without it, how my energy level was obviously down, but I felt better psychologically. I had realized a new vision of the way I could function. It was like putting on a pair of glasses after being nearsighted all of your life.
The following day after taking it, I noticed how much more I could fit in the day. I did not feel overwhelmed with mundane chores that needed to be done. But then I still procrastinated on getting medication until last February.
I did not choose to have any adderall today, because I still want to take a nap so I might have the energy to go to the Blues Saloon. I wonder how they will react if I walk into a place that I had been kicked out of 2 years ago?
I wonder if they still hold a grudge for me for just ignoring the bartender when he told me a seat was taken that no one had sat on for 15 minutes. Bartenders/tendresses have a tendency to be control freaks and be on power trips especially if they are small and don't know the definition of the word, "utopia". They then get angry when you don't tip because they never smile and always have an attitude on par with a middle school emotionally disturbed adolescent except with more testerone and steroid induced strength alla Lyle Alsado (God rest his angry steroid tattered soul!).
I think, the one tall, 4 eyed, goofy looking bartender upstairs, John, was always angry with me after I went home with a girl that was a "friend" of his and wished he was getting it instead.
Why should I go there and face angry rednecks but I love to dance so much and I loved the music so much when it helped me lift my mood!
This is basically becoming a journal that maybe one or two readers want to tune into. I suppose you're tired of this boring soap opera.
I'm gonna veggg now watching some DVD's of "Sex and the City" until I fall asleep. Maybe later, I will have the energy to go for a walk and come out of hibernation? I don't feel as guilty being a vegetable in my own cave on Sunday.
I really need to get a plan going whether it is to fly to Australia, go south for what's left of the winter and go "carabout" (walkabout in a car), or substitute in other states or even here??? Just make a plan!
see ya for now
6:40 pm rambling rose , alla Nat King Cole!
The last 20 minutes, I've been listening to him on OETA, all about love, sometimes musicians can capture that feeling so much as hid....
I'm gonna have to get some of his tapes to listen to on long romantic car rides with or without love.....
to get all bleary eyed and verklemmpt;;;
"forever more , that's how you'll stay
that's why darling
you are incredible
she thinks that I am unforgettable too"
I might have messed up on a few words....
So now I'm deciding whether to go eat Chinese on Nw Expressway, where the bartender from the bipolar saloon eats sometimes, or CiCi's pizza??
I deserve it after just walking for a couple of miles in our square mile of expanding subdivisions, having a couple glasses of Mason white wine, and speaking with the gods with my good neighbor, Charles.
so now its 1:50 pm...Monday paralysis...waking up and thinking about the hangup call from my reality check....knowing that she is almost right unless there is the lottery chance of ever doing it...especially if you have no idea where to go with it...we were talking about the fear of there hardly being anything when you start saving 177$ a month at 34, you might have a retirement income of only 800 a month at 65 :). Depression is thinking about what your life will be really like if you really "retire" at 65 or have to greet the future masses with an old forced smile at the entrance to Walmart. :)....wow ....can I sound anymore depressing than that??
She is right almost right that I haven't even started my book...she does not like this "fantasy' of getting 6 figures for this pie in the sky book....I say that to myself everyday as I find no purpose in this book, no goals...the protagonist has to have goals and be going somewhere ....
life in limbo. life in the doldrums, feeling alone, unfulfilled, not even going through the motions as this year passes by...the week has been hovering above freezing...I have never been more concious of looking out into these bleary January days...knowing that it's my own fault for so many things....I have just taken a lick of adderall and see that my mind is not cluttered but obviously you see that I am still depressed into paralysis from the situation ...
.When I was teaching, I would actually look forward to coming home and just vegetating in front of the tube until narcolepsy took over...and I would start the day, hoping that the children would start learning how to behave and write better so that they could learn to write their own thoughts for what choices and directions they would want to go...i would then feel better when I had a supportive administration that I was really reaching these kids...It would be so wonderful to come home to someone that really cared about me and saw what a good thing I was doing...maybe I could be content growing old helping these kids...helping them gets my mind off of my own travails...the pity wagon is a pitiful thing and I'm sharing this with maybe 5 or 10 readers that might just surf into this site ocasionally ...it's like they are seeing a marine mammal flapping its fins stranded on the beach... (Is that a good metaphor for a pathetic situation?)
I have been reading the "Artist's Way" so much lately... disciplining myself even for a couple of pages everyday is a lot for me...The book tells you to write 3 pages everyday...stream of conciousness...I wish that I could type faster so that more of these thoughts would come out...some of this should be for no other eyes especially closeminded judgemental eyes of folks that have not gone through the loss of losing people so close...
People might be understanding or sympathetic for a little while after the loss and then they lose touch with the survivor ....
After Alene passed away, I gradually lost touch with my tennis friends. I probably started acting differently...Since then I have made new friends or companions on this journey...I have had many girlfriends or brief intimate acqauintances probably scaring many of them off with my nerdy, ADD ways of saying things... said impulsively that might hurt because they are so honest and true, but without malicious intent only misunderstanding..
Oh well, I've got to get over spilled words and spoiled relationships,
"no use crying over spilled metaphors" as the professor smiled flirtatiously with the young co-ed in the front row....
I'm sure it was the neediness for companionship after losing someone who centered their life around me. We shared and cuddled in the same bed for 13 years. I held this woman close to me for about 8 or so hours every night. The loss must have showed subconciously and in outward appearance. I lost my naivete and in many ways have become hardened to the world of anger and hatred. I much prefer being around loving nurturing folks. Sometimes, I fight this plague of anger and fear, at least knowing that my voice can be heard. Sometimes, I just want to escape from it and be a recluse in my own house.... only getting out to eat Chinese, Pizza or be in bar with an abundance of reminders our not too distant grunting guttural ancestors brought on by the inebriating grog....I
I'm happy to have avoided the neanderthals in pubs lately...It is so nice to go through weeks without seeing or having to confront this raw anger that is deeply rooted within our animal minds...
I suppose this bipolar feeling in the nation and Okiehoma has calmed down since their dicktator was reelected...they are happy and complacent like they are when their footall team wins...It doesn't matter that this is one of the poorest states yet they always vote for the Patrician's party.
The patricians have momentarily appeased the plebians with lots of death as their young gladatiors fight at the colliseum on the other side of the world.. the emperor says,
"Let them eat bread!"
To be continued...it's 2:36 and I'll see if Charles wants a walk. :)
9pm: One of the few things that I've acomplished today is walking about 5 or 6 miles today... earlier the walk with Charles and then walking to the Chinese restaurant and back. It's about 2,6 miles but I walked an extra few tenths when I realized I was going up the wrong street instead of Ramling Rd. The other neighbor's wife offered me a ride when she saw me walking around the corner....
I guess they are really trying to make peace with me. I told her that I was getting exercise. I do apreciate the offer and felt like the animosity is gone. So maybe things are getting better??
I have so much to do but don't know where I will start. Maybe, I will get up before 10am and will take a little adderall with my coffee. Maybe I will make the dreaded phone calls to the collection agency for the hospital bills from being assaulted by Mr. Dawkins and the bartender from Lumpy's. I gave Lumpy's the bill before Xmas and Dawkins had told me that he would pay when I saw him by chance at a convenience store. I get upset that I am too scared(?) to even face these people when an injustice was done to me and the bill needs to be paid. I guess I need to call a lawyer and talk to the police again. I thought that I could let it go but it's over $700 and I don't some testosterone rednecks spoil my credit. Please God, give me the strength to face people and look them in the eyes when I need to stand up for myself. I have let myself be a victim before and I need to learn when it's important to take a stand when someone really crosses the line.
that's enough for now....tomorrow is the start of February ....Dad will be 89 February 7th, Fat Tuesday eve.
Wow! Happy February, I am finally going to bed...It's 6am...I will have some serious rems and maybe will get somethings accomplished tomorrow like some phone calls to the agency and Lumpys! Can he have the courage and intestinal fortitude, readers??
"you,ve been saying you would get a laptop for several months!"
she rolls her eyes...
"What do you do with your life? Is this what will go in the book?"
and she wrinkles her face to look at him that tells him,
"besides ADD you are nuts"!
"I"ll give you the answer in the morning"
as the narcolepsy controls any dismal desire to confront an angry lady....and he nods off into his days of youth....he always dreams that he's still college age :)
and he rolls over to tune out that painful voice
that also comes from his own injured soul
He wishes for beautiful dreams
to give him the needed desire to seek out and love the new day!
Go Garvald! :)
Tuesday 5:30 :(
Damn aol...I keep losing service right when I am writing my funniest pieces and it's all erased...
"What have you accomplished today?"
Not a goddamn thing but explain myself as nothing but a lazy, lascivious, lethargic, lengthy Lethario using a silly French accent to make le Muffy to laugh knowing how good he can make her feel in the stupping department...:)
It was a hilarious scene funnier than most SNL skits..
(she rolls her eyes at his delusions of hilarity)
It's funny when I shook hands with Shane, he still holds a grudge that I wouldn't kiss his ass ...now his teeth look like he's doing crack..only in his 20's ,,,but apparently, they let an asshole bartender run the Blues Saloon.
I saw Pinky and her Snake Shakers and she almost looked as sickly as Shane. It's sad that is so predominantly redneck...Everyone looked very bored.
1/30 a year later:
I wondered if reikifethr had written this as I know she doesn't want to see me
and this seems to be her way of closure. She has gone through so much and I wish that I could go back in time to help her from being in the situation that she is in now. I wish that someway I could help her and know about her life.
I don't know who wrote this; no credits were given where I found it. If anybody knows please let me know and I'll post the credits. Thanks. ~~Lena
Background: We are all here to teach one another lessons and to learn lessons from one another. In the course of this learning, people will come in and out of our lives. When people come into our lives, it is usually an easy welcoming process. When people leave our lives, the departures are not always so pleasant. Often we spend too much time pondering, cursing, or regretting their absence from our lives.
Goal: The purpose is to achieve closure with people who have departed from your life WITHOUT seeing or speaking to them. This exercise brings the energy of completion to the relationship. It allows you to express - once and for all - what you wished to say to the person if you had the chance. It then releases the energy of closure and completion to the universe. Since at the level of pure energy, we are all one, you will feel the sense of closure and peace with the other person.
Preparation: All you need is a lighter, a blank piece of paper, a pen, and a quiet place and time to do this exercise. For each person, Here are the 4 questions to ask yourself and write out completely: 1. List all resentments
2. List all regrets 3. Write all unsaid or undelivered communications 4. Anything you would have wanted to acknowledge him/her/them
for and didn't. When it feels complete, burn the paper and Invocate (say) out loud:"I address my Greater God Self, For final release and Disposition:Please witness my Declaration of Power:I rescind any and all vows & contracts I have taken, anyone in this body has taken, and anyone within my genetic lineage has taken pertaining to:Any vow of Illusion, Separation and Disharmony. Remove and Clear All Negative Implants, Ancestral patterning, Genetic patterning, improper karmic attachments to my ( Insert Name of Person) , known or unknown to me.I claim my Divine Inheritance and Self Sovereign God Power NOW!I now declare these vows & contracts null and void in this incarnation and all incarnations across space and time, all parallel realities, parallel universes, alternate realities, alternate universes, all planetary systems, all source systems, all dimensions and the Void.Spirit, please release all structures, devices, entities, orientations or effects associated with these vows & contracts.NOW! "
Dad will be 90 on fat Tuesday Feb. 7th, the same birthday as Charles and Horacio!