Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Serendipitous side trip to the Broadway Cafe

I'm not sure if this is the catchiest title but I thought this little trip to the library on Westport Rd. after the coffee shop was appropo.
2:17 pm Wodinsday
It's a busy little library 2 blocks a way from the coffee shop and I can't help but get a little nervous if the homeless(?) bloke behind me bothers me for 35 cents!
I think about the moments of pondering that might change your destiny at least for the next couple of years as far who will share your life. A couple of years ago while in an altered state like you are in, you asked the Gods what might be in store for you if you decided to take the job offer. The bloke at the Buzzard Beach suggests First Fridays at the Nelson Art Gallery and you meet Muffy bartendressing the event that evening. You have a reason to become sidetracked in this adventure.
Now you see the coffeetendress who seems to be in her own wanderlust is coincidentally following you in your adventures. You last saw her serendipitously briefly working for her room at the Boulder Youth Hostel. She's back by a strange coincidence the only time you visit the coffee shop.
She's now found her temporary niche with her new boyfriend in Boulder,
coffeetending in Allyson's Expresso (?). She looks for new coffee tending niches while I find new emotionally disturbed teaching niches.
Does this all mean a new turn on the road.? What signs can you look out for????...
maybe just feel a new benchmark,
another epipheny might change your life,
or even slightly alter your philosophy...
maybe your spirituality is changing a little bit after coming out from your 36 hour comatose hibernation at the Crown Lodge
what new motto is instilled into your life to give it a little more meaning?

You write a little letter that she will never see to an ex gf
still wanting to talk to her
but she refuses to listen
as most of the angry women in your life soon became impatient listening to your song

what makes your song any different than all the other let downs in their own lives??
you are another male to blame for being a victim in a man's world

you have served your purpose
in their life
they can't profit from you anymore

listening to you is not worth
the meal ticket

I only have a minute left to talk to you hoping that you will give insight and meaning to these ramblings....

Friday in the O zone;
I woke up with Buffy begging to get out of her kennel hearing her scratching while I was escaping in my more pleasant rems of a more innocent time
in fleetingly warm confines of the now leaking water bed...
I let her outside and almost go back to sleep
when I hear the phone call from my brother, expecting to hear the worst about Dad , but he is still suffering in the hospital with his undiagnosed stomach ailments.
I want to go back to sleep knowing that the water bed must have a larger leak hearing the drips on the carpet like Chinese water torture and the sound of the uninvited guests running around upstairs in your attic, (the mice have graduated to squirrels and having to find larger traps is to overwhelming to even worry about)...I worry as someone with ADD does.
they just obess and worry rather than taking care of the problem, unles medicated.
I worry about lost loves and unrequited happiness that common sense says will never happen again.
Formerly a serendipitously warm morning in winter would bring me just the happiness of a warm winter day without any of the worries and the burdensome issues that come with age. Having a little herb only accentuates the current feelings of helplessness against the onslaught and exceeding worries of a finite life span. You sometimes are deluded(?) in thinking that you're learning to view tragedy the same as happiness;
to treat both imposters the same as Rudyard Kipling would say
...inevitable events becoming permanent images on the dwindling tape your camera.
You desire to know if someday, you will be inside another camera of the world with a totally different perspective of life ??
Will your soul find another shell or will this conciousness just be meshed into the univeral conciousness of homo sapiens and all other living things on this earth??
What does Buffy see when she runs around in your backyard just excited to see you ..
she plays with you as her paws reach for your body seperated by the makeshift backyard gate destroyed by what you stupidly conceived as your friends one fateful Halloween evening,
when your happiness was all taken away
or even thrown away over malicisously hurtful words...

So you take your neighbor out to your favorite Chinese restaurants and confess your innermost feelings. It is so wonderful to have a friend where you can confess your sins without the fear of judgement that most would give....

On a positive note, it's great to have friends like LA also where you can put your angry feelings aside and help your xmas trip end on a positive note with M...
You splurge at a nice hotel with a pool and hot tub... making up is so fun to do!
It sure releases so much negativity that was residing in your Karmic surroundings!!

Happy New Year 1/3/06
Now I'm going to have to remember 06. Dad sent me a book with his writing barely a scribble from his hospital bed. I've missplaced the hospital number and I'm also afraid to call him. He will be 90 in February. I want to get his health back so that he can experience my best years ahead vicariously. His mind is still so sharp and there are so many things that I can do, if I just get over these melancholic lonely moments.

I'm back by my Mt. Serendipachi... the sun shining on her to say hello in the morning and shedding the last light on her in the evening. I imagine the sun coming up as I'm walking to school ... then I see it as I imagined and remembered it shining on her.

There are still so many things that I can get excited about. I'm helping these severely disabled children the last block of the day.
I'm helping these other students feel good about themselves and I can see how we can become state chess champions again!

Janurary 4th, 06
Ok, I've had my 3rd day. Clay was let out of Juvi for maybe resising arrest. He tells me differently after I finally see him peering through the trailer window. I hear about his experiences and think that maybe there is a chance that he's learned from his experience of civilation's timeout room, jail.
He had to learn to become patient for 48 hours actually reading, talking, and playing chess with a few other offenders. The holding center is behind the gas station and there's more but I don't want to say even though this is a fictitious site.
I think about the town, Stone Boat, where three were murdered execution style along a dirt road perpendicular to the highway.
There is a murderer still hiding out somewhere in the reservation.
I think about how Clay needs to stay on the right side of the law rather than hanging out with young criminals of all kinds. Maybe he will say to himself that this isn't the life for him.
I've maybe said too much and wonder if the murderer and any others could so easily visit this little haven in the wild west, with Buffy being my only defense. I become paranoid but I see Buffy sleeping soundly now on the portable's carpet before I finally call my Dad very close to the end of his own natural slightly extended stretch for his soul's visit.
Pot is called biggest cash crop
The $35-billion market value of U.S.-grown cannabis tops that of such heartland staples as corn and hay, a marijuana activist says.


By Eric Bailey, Times Staff WriterDecember 18, 2006
SACRAMENTO — For years, activists in the marijuana legalization movement have claimed that cannabis is America's biggest cash crop. Now they're citing government statistics to prove it.A report released today by a marijuana public policy analyst contends that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion — far more than the crop value of such heartland staples as corn, soybeans and hay, which are the top three legal cash crops.
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California is responsible for more than a third of the cannabis harvest, with an estimated production of $13.8 billion that exceeds the value of the state's grapes, vegetables and hay combined — and marijuana is the top cash crop in a dozen states, the report states.The report estimates that marijuana production has increased tenfold in the past quarter century despite an exhaustive anti-drug effort by law enforcement.Jon Gettman, the report's author, is a public policy consultant and leading proponent of the push to drop marijuana from the federal list of hard-core Schedule 1 drugs — which are deemed to have no medicinal value and a high likelihood of abuse — such as heroin and LSD.He argues that the data support his push to begin treating cannabis like tobacco and alcohol by legalizing and reaping a tax windfall from it, while controlling production and distribution to better restrict use by teenagers."Despite years of effort by law enforcement, they're not getting rid of it," Gettman said. "Not only is the problem worse in terms of magnitude of cultivation, but production has spread all around the country. To say the genie is out of the bottle is a profound understatement."While withholding judgment on the study's findings, federal anti-drug officials took exception to Gettman's conclusions.Tom Riley, a spokesman for the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, cited examples of foreign countries that have struggled with big crops used to produce cocaine and heroin. "Coca is Colombia's largest cash crop and that hasn't worked out for them, and opium poppies are Afghanistan's largest crop, and that has worked out disastrously for them," Riley said. "I don't know why we would venture down that road."The contention that pot is America's biggest cash crop dates to the early 1980s, when marijuana legalization advocates began citing Drug Enforcement Administration estimates suggesting that about 1,000 metric tons of pot were being produced nationwide. Over the years, marijuana advocates have produced studies estimating the size and value of the U.S. crop, most recently in 1998.Gettman's report cites figures in a 2005 State Department report estimating U.S. cannabis cultivation at 10,000 metric tons, or more than 22 million pounds — 10 times the 1981 production.Using data on the number of pounds eradicated by police around the U.S., Gettman produced estimates of the likely size and value of the cannabis crop in each state. His methodology used what he described as a conservative value of about $1,600 a pound compared to the $2,000- to $4,000-a-pound street value often cited by law enforcement agencies after busts.In California, the state's Campaign Against Marijuana Planting seized nearly 1.7 million plants this year — triple the haul in 2005 — with an estimated street value of more than $6.7 billion. Based on the seizure rate over the last three years, the study estimates that California grew more than 21 million marijuana plants in 2006 — with a production value nearly triple the next closest state, Tennessee, which had an estimated $4.7-billion cannabis harvest.California ranked as the report's top state for both outdoor and indoor marijuana production. The report estimates that the state had 4.2 million indoor plants valued at nearly $1.5 billion. The state of Washington was ranked next, with $438 million worth of indoor cannabis plants.California also is among nine states that produce more cannabis than residents consumed, Gettman estimates. According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, the state's 3.3 million cannabis users represent about 13% of the nation's pot smokers. But California produces more than 38% of the cannabis grown in the country, the study contends.Nationwide, the estimated cannabis production of $35.8 billion exceeds corn ($23 billion), soybeans ($17.6 billion) and hay ($12.2 billion), according to Gettman's findings.*

Monday, December 19, 2005

Back to redneckville!


After a long trip from the Rez and staying over night in Armadillo by morning, I crashed on the water bed. My home now has a good care taker so my transition out of the okie zone has been much smoother.
I had to stop off at the Red Dog for some relaxation from the long ride trying the bare minimum of beeds to stay awake so I would sleep well that night... but there is the emotionally disturbed bloke that attacked me at Lumpy's, Mike Dawson. This angry emotionally disturbed violent redneck mentality is staring me in the face as my foot set down in this intellectually deprived state...

He was just staring at me with an even more hateful stare than the average emotionally disturbed student whom I've tried to help. Why is it that scum like him get away with crap.

He says,
"Don't even start!"

All I say is,
"You owe me a lot of money!"
(from visiting the emergency room it was almost $800!)
His stripper gf starts yelling at me and storms over to the manager wanting me kicked out. He won't because I didn't do anything. 5 minutes later they walk out the opposite door. I worry that my car might be damaged by them. My intuitions are right! They are racing over to my side of the parking lot and then I see him. He backs up his old damaged vehicle, (the same one that he tried to run me over in!) and they take off!

I'm glad that I follow my intuitions. I check out the bipolar saloon afterwards. I'm pleasantly surprised that there are no angry stares to welcome me. I chat with the unorthodox Jewish musician older and even much randier than me. Here is someone of equal intellect that I can relax and shoot the shit with!

He's cool and I chat with an old very brief flame, I feel that there was energy tonight
Das ist schade!...German for that's too bad
I had no energy
I was feeling every bit of 50!

an hour later at another library 6PM
I have this miserable cold/flu and if it were not for the minimal amount of time released addaboy beads, I wouldn't have the energy or motivation to do these errands! I took Buffy to the vet for the free monthly check up and nail trimming, went to the dollar store, the supermarket, and Cingular wireless to find out how I can get the back cover to my new phone so I don't lose the chip. I guess I will have to just get duck tape that some janitor might take thinking its his own!
I want to always believe in people but then folks aren't honest with you. I am verbally and physically attacked by adults who were emotionally disturbed as children . These adults have learned to survive and get away with their violent tempers..A learned anger that children with reactive detachment disorder often have as the major reason they end up in SPED classes.....

Clay gets angry when you stare back when he stares at you!
"what?"
and they become violent like Mike Dawson.
Everytime you look his way, you notice him staring at you almost daring you to meet his stare. He waits for you with his arm folded waiting to physically attack you. You seek help from the small bouncer. They don' t do anything. Mike comes running towards you when you are not looking and he shoves you on the floor and your head knocks the bottom of the bar. You try to get him off of you and another emotionally disturbed steroid injected bartender attacks you. The police won't do anything. You get on your cell phone telling 911 that he is trying to run you over. They arrive with your shirt ripped off and because it's a bar, they only hear the opinion of the bartender on steroids and his barmates wasted on all the 3.2 beer you can drink!
Okc's finest don't do anything.
"Have you had anything to drink?"

two beers is all it takes for all of your rights as a citizen to be taken away.
The owner of Lumpy's won't do anything and says you can sue.
I call the police the next day and they won't do anything and said there are 2 many Mike Dawsons! He doesn't know which one to go after. You wished that you had time to memorize his plates (funny how it looked like the same green hornet car as what the monster was driving towards me outside the RED DOG.

Now this bloke who needs to be in jail is after you. He has that killer with no conscience look that eventually arrives to the faces of many emotionally disturbed people that never were taught to moralize the difference between right and wrong. They have no conscience and will do anything to get their way. They are so full of hate that woe to their victims.
That's why I worry about Clay and his temper. After a few drinks and with his anger he would do anything to beat up someone that even looked the wrong way!

You are traumatized by the incident and think maybe it's safer in today's emotionally disturbed world to sometimes avoid eye contact with crazy violent adults with histories of violence and getting kicked out of adult anger management classes after threatening the teacher.

"I didn't like the way he was staring at me!!"
Mike complains to the steroidster.

Would he have become angry if the teacher responded with the evil stare that they mastered in middle school or even elementary in order to become the meanest sob on the playground.

The other 3rd graders say to the new kid on the swing.
"Hey newbie, you better not get on that swing.
That is clay's swing
and he will kick anyone's butt that gets on it!"
(I'm sure that even the students on Dawson's creek didn't speak like that as elementary kids!)

"Do you wanna picture?? It will last longer."

I believe I said that to Arnold Schwarzenegger junior when the resident dyke was giving her perspective on me to him.
I noticed that he was glaring at me.
He didn't appreciate a man who comes to drink his beer and was older than his father was so cheeky. His main priority that night was to put me on his feces list.
"I can't wait to have an excuse to kick his ass tonight, if he even looks sideways at moi!"

He was a new bartender full of insecurities immediately desiring authority among the alcoholic pecking order . I'm sure bouncing was on his resume...
he probably even has the desire to become an LA police officer! I could imagine he and Mike beating up a poor victim that might have made the mistake of questioning their authority from psycho power hungry men addicted to violence!

I wonder if Gilda is back. I became paranoid (now it's a heightened sense of reality coming to the safe conclusion that man/woman will more often than not do things to serve their own selfish interests. I was ripped off by her in the past when I lent her money, I was ripped off when getting herb when she was the middle woman, and then she wrote checks from your checkbook that you absentmindedly left in the coat pocket left at her house several years ago on ST. Patrick's. You wonder the worst things. Since her old phone number doesn't work, you think that she sold your car to make a quick buck. Even though you like her, you know that she would only use you to her advantage.

So we are tainted by past injustices....
becoming hardened to the fact that humans are animals
civilization and its codes
help us rationalize our behavior
our "evil"
is just taking care of number 1...

if we have an addiction such as power
we will break the laws and
even pretend (?)
that the Gods are with us
p.p.p.

Hmmmm.... I feel the energy of the damp snow coming down
excited about things and relieved that Gilda hasn't stolen my car
or sold it so she can fly to her magical hippy colony in Santa Fe (?)

she's been sold on the escapetheokiezone philosophy....Garvald finally does it and so why shouldn't she before she rots from being in this rut
your tires stuck in this barren land of intimidating overwhelming chosen ignorance!

wow!!! amazing what a little mind opening euphorics can doto your state of mind, your emotion...
but you will have these same thoughts when you read it and think about it when you wake up in a new land, a new nation (cept they were here before us by about 20k years!)

you could easily be waking up to teaching inner city youth all gangsta wannabees...
middle school gangsta rebelliousness has migrated down to 5th graders
as the ICP rap and gangsta shootings have even reached the most rural Indian communities...

But you wake up knowing that you will walking to school with sun coming up over the eastern horizon shining on our Mt. Serendipachi....You have a feeling that the synchronicities are reaching you here, all the signs :
1.the Mountain Lion on your black sweatshirt that Alene thoughtfully and prophetically bought for you subconsciously seeing into the future, that her Garvald would be alone in this wilderness
2. The only sweatshirt that you took with you from your packrat hovel was the mascot for the school
3. state chess champions waiting for you to coach them to the state championships
4. You feel that your students will ecome what you want them to become
5. you are fitting in almost as much as the doctor on Northern Exposure!

there are more coincidences that I can't think of at the moment but that I've probably mentioned if I ever reread my ramblings...
these are all reasons that you want to get up in the morning and do your peaceful road warrior work!

All of this contrast is like finding a new gf, going back to the old one and realize that you weren't missing anything
and then you go back to the sun shining on your mountains in the morning
maybe you have finally found your passion??

Tuesday evening, alone in the library..... but hey!
maybe I have few friends out there in my loyal 25 readers who anxiously might wait for me to continue letting them be in on my sometimes very mundane melancoholic life!
I convalesce(?) my lungs at the height of congestion
believing that these tough bacteria have become much more resistant to stronger and stronger bacteria!
I have Gilda to thank for the antibiotics but she had make sure that it was a big deal and they are $75!
I suppose that's how much it would cost if you didn't have health insurance~!
You are a real pal, G, but I still like you and you don't have to have any worries, M.
She's not a threat and living near the mountains in a small village where everyone knows, its better at least to have the image of gentleman and hide any lustful desires for younger intellectual teachers....
( "I said that just to see if you'd get pissed off" ;)

It was nice hanging out in the Red Rooster last night and I'm torn between heading there while giving a call to Madamme Joan C! I realize in my unmedicated state with congestion clogging my brains I have a less than 50% chance of surviving a telephone call before she chews my head of for disability, stupidity and not being able to follow her conversation about whether she's working at the casino or her office party is there.
"He can't keep up!"
"I'm sorry kids, but my bf is retarded!"

xmas is always traumatizing;
finally, the whole superficiality of the season is getting to me
its get the presents before others do
hurry up and get out of the way so I can do my shopping!
folks drive more agressively
more excuse to drink heavily
and get into fights in bars

At least it's a beautiful day and I can let Buffy absorb some of the winter solstice sun in my backyard in Redneckville. I open the blind to a room filled with decades of packrat junk and see her looking so sadat me but she is happy and knows to absorb the precious few rays of the winter sunshine!

xmas boredom
So M told me to wait a day so I won't pass on the avian flu to her. G's antibiotics will run out tomorrow night! I've even cut out the booze completely to let the stuff really work... I'm sleeping as much as my body will let me until the melancholy of feeling sick, down and wasting another xmas holiday takes a grip of my aging body
I get even more down when I could still be having the most fun of my life in the Land of OZ before the pecker will eventually wilt! (I wonder how much saw Palmetto do I have to ingest to slow it down?)
I want to escape to a fantasy(?) or religion(?) that we will have another chance to get all the Karma right. I must have had a lot of bad karma in my last life then??
If I could believe like the pagan girl who almost converted me, I would be so happy knowing that it's another journey. I would want to fill the DVD with as many adventures around the world as the limited footage of tape would take!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Uncle Death takes a break!

I was debating about whether to talk about M Grumpus who has too much work and is worried about getting a C to spoil her summa cum laude average or how excited I was about my chess team and that Dad is still alive even though he has serious congestive heart failure. I need all of you reikimasters and mistresses to send positive energy and reiki to Dad and Lillian's cousin Jimmy. Lately I've been praying and don't think only the Repukes and Jesus land have sole control of God and Christmas!
"Give me a break!
They're even angry at Bush for not saying Christmas in his greeting cards this year!"

Don't get me started but I even want ex gfs out there to send some positive energy to my sick father. Please wish him help and make him happy in his last few year. I pray that he will be able to use his legs so he can still take walks on the beach and see that beautiful surf that's in his back yard. I only have the Serendipachi moutains in my back yard. Imagine if I eventually worked on the beach near Byron Bay with the beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean on one side and the Blue Mountains on the other side!

Muffy thinks I'm a cheap bastard
(asking if I pocketed the extra 2$ she left on top of my $9 tip at the table...she had to make a point of getting change just to piss me off and have the last word on a 60 dollar meal saying to everybody what a cheap bastard I am. So I want to save $2 after I already leave $9. I tell ya I don't get no rescpect from alceys at redneck pubs, angry students or administrators, angry testosteroned Btenders and Bitchy Btendresses taking out their hypoglycemic premenstrual rages on you!!@)

"You should pay for it since you only pay $200 in rent and the reservation pays all your utilities, you cheap bastard. Can you pay for my membership to this feminist spa?"


enough already!
"Will you shut the fudge up??"
Marty writes for his writing assignment hating my voice as much as M, and Clay!

seriously,
I sometimes I wonder how warped the thinking of those crooks in the caucasian house is, but it's no match for the thinking of a moody woman!
Of course darling and I'll pay for you to visit me in February but I won't give you my new cell phone number (just kidding)....at least until you let me spank you for being such a naughty and rude girl to your teacher!
mmmmmm.....buts its been so long again and I know now she's getting very near the nymphomanic part of her cycle....mmmmm...horny goat weed
and spin city!
Sky Rockets in flight afternoon delight while we are snowed in while her offspring are somewhere else
no worries mate!...
the fires going, I've had to find some wood and risk chopping with the sore shoulders, arms, wrists of a middle aged former athlete...
I'm turned on by the fact that she finally beats me in scrabble and she wants to Schtupp Herr Garvald so badly!
make up lovin.....
She looked so good in the video with her bright red gluteus maximus in full view and doing an erotic dance with the towel....mmmm
scuse me...
let me know if it's too racy and I'll do a Pg rated version of this essay and save the draft for later viewing on adult blogs...
Just kidding M!
Today is like the top one out of 100 or more days in such a long time, since finding out I really had a job
momentarily shutting up the obsessed radio lady who keeps saying to everyone to get a job while she cons them to buy advertising time on a nazikristian konservative station in Denver....

Muffy bristles at Garvald's mistaken adventure with an ugly woman inside and out brainwashed into rationalizing her own fundamentalist form of kristianity. As soon as G saw the faux church lady, his aging tool thought even a decade on a deserted island would only accentuate the withering ..hoping that it will eventually rescued by the Love boat!

she rolls her eyes,
"Now I'm not in the mood anymore!"
she says
and the the sour Joan look turns into ultimate happiness as Garvald goes snorkeling below the surface!

I wondered last night if I ever would be happy like I have been before when everything seems to be falling into place. Maybe its the confidence from some adderall and the buzz from those delicious flax seed cookies she sent me, but I'm starting to think that maybe I have something going here in the Rez??!!
I was thinking for 3 hours in the tub on this record cold day in the wild, wild, bipolar west about what I would say to you,
wanting to share with you my happiness,
the natural high of life,
learning to grab the gusto of what few years of virile life I have
instead of just wallowing in the thoughts and fears of death and self pity


Roosevelt said, "The only thing man has to fear is fear itself"
Great leaders with charisma have lead countries through very difficult wars.
Lincoln and the civil war...Winston Churchill in WW2... all of them went through great sadness or fought of deep depressions. Roosevelt was a healthy good looking man humbled by polio and the paralysis of his legs, before he came out of it at first by helping other victims of the disease which in turn gave him the Little Orphan Annie attitude of unstoppable positive thinking!
"The sun'll come up Tomorrow!"

I feel the same way with all this death and attempted suicide it's to get very down
but then I wake up the next morning with a hug and cuddle from the Buffster, tuning into NPR and get my fix of the news...hearing how Bush and our might repukes go on about even Jewish presidents should send Christ mas cards for Crissake, Mate! just kidding...why not a merry Ghandi or smiling Buddha card. ...that ought to please the brainwashed folks that believe that Jesus founded this country! Don't get me started...I just had an argument with one of those imcompetent design fanatics telling me evolution is a religion and that I can't believe in God if I have that scientific belieF! www.hereinreality.com read the tagboard!
grrrrrr
I have my fix of mocha (swiss miss and coffee) before
my 300 meter dash to my portable each am
taking in the sun shining on me each am...
it come over the horizon and shines on my backyard mountains even on this coldest of mornings in the fresh air while catching up to Ms. Liuba and her 100 meter walk! We chat briefly, I share my concern for Dad, and I know that I have friends here...
I feel the vibes having the best morning from Clay He's just won his fifth match this year, and he tells me about it while another rival school was cheering him on (it was a 3 way meet). My only student today.
(Of course, after lunch, he purposely(?) forgets his card so that he can flirt with the girls, be the center of attention and think that he can the 2nd TV dinner I owe him... he goes into his very predictable hypoglycemic rages parallel to the Muffster's Joan Crawford rages when I finally pull the plug on the puter since he refuses to get off.. He starts whining and complaining so I say he sounds like a girl, but I won't give into his spoiled brat syndrome. These kids go into these moods for a reason, often learned and then only accentuated by their low blood sugar!
On a good note, I write a speach about how my number one player took over the largest diagonal of the chess board beating the number 1 player from the Arizona team who had won the tournament with many shools in Gallup last month.! This is made during lunch so everyone in the cafeteria and courtyard can hear me. Several of the veteran chess players show up and we have the largest turnout of 7 players for practice. Two other players show that they might even be stronger than my new star. I'm pleased to know that we will depth and fierce competition for the top 5 spots on the team. I was excited even about giving them a lesson on algebraic notation as an efficient way to document their game while explaining the most basic opening.!
They then start eagerly playing 30 minute games with the clock!
and I'm feeling how serendipitous and synchronistic that just as this is happening a movie is just out on DVD who brings out the best in his chess players. It reminded Muffy so much of me and how I want to incorporate chess into these poor rural student's eyes...and from there they can alway have sight of the stars...
I can see how it can even help Clay think ahead in his wrestling matches!

and now Muffy, as I've changed my name, please be respectful of my own anonymity ....and besides this is all fictional!

Monday December 12th
I just hung up on M when she went into one of her rages when God forbid, I asked what her nice daughters plans are! Now the phone is ringing and I don't want to talk to the angry voice. I wish she would hear the way she snaps at what she perceives is my stupidity or lack of common sense. I try to see her side as much as possible and I like her older daughter but I know how M is tense when her children are around. Her daughter's boyfriend wants to camp out there and maybe he feels inconvenienced when I'm around so he keeps asking me when I'm leaving. He doesn't help around the house when he's there (Muffy thinks how dare a slob like me point that out!) and I'm a little frustrated that they lose the holy basil that I made a point of buying at the store for her daughter's anxiety.

It seems like society accepts a woman when she goes into rages. If a man does that he's considered unreasonable or crazy (Clay says that I sound like a girl) If I tell her I'm driving all this way to see her. She'll say,
"So what! You're too cheap to fly!"

Then I would be dependent on her vehicle when she goes into one of these rages while she's driving. I'll worry that we are approaching the forbidden week before Aunt Flo. Flo unfortunately won't arrive to the rescue until I'm long gone and hopefully back in NM on New Year's Day!

I am often depressed being alone but I can't take her anger and lack oif understanding. It only makes me feel even more alone when I'm sleeping on the couch downstairs after shes builds a fort in between us with her blankets. I go downstairs for fear of her going into a rage if I move and try to be comfortable on the bed I gave her from my mini Oklahoma apt. in KCK!
I'm wondering why I tolerate this and know that I had so much more loving understanding from Alene. It was unconditional love even stronger than my mother's. She'll be gone for 11 years coming up New Year's Eve. She was crying about Matt Dillon playing St. something of the Bronx just the night before. Matt was trying to help others and he gets murdered. I was trying to cheer her up saying that we have a home and each other. We weren't homeless and alone. She goes to the other side the next day.

It makes me realize how life is so short and why not try your best to help make others and yourself happy! She was worried about life being unfair and then she was upset about young high school girls on the ski trip to Colorado who she thought were making fun of her. I was again telling her not to worry about the opinion of immature girls who were probably just jealous of her beauty. So it made them feel higher on the beauty pecking order by cutting her down. Girls can be so much crueler than boys with the words or even their looks.

I realize how lucky I was to have been with Alene and I sometimes I feel that I was punished for taking such a wonderful woman for granted!

Wednesday December 19th, 06
It's a year later now. I wanted to mention a dream I had where the incredibly beautiful witch was staring at me from her new large home(that she has not yet even seen). Her hip caressing, wavy golden hair shimmered from the late evening sun reflecting on it. She was staring at me with disdain from the body length window in the middle of the stairway to her 2nd floor. She was in control (at least she thought). Her eyes were saying what are you doing here and that I'm happy without you in my life.
I woke up again after feeling her cold icy stare penetrating my heart but I was still happy (?) to see her again, if only in my dream. I hugged Buffy and decided to get up and enjoy the sun making sure to confirm several times that the TV showed Closed for our school district.

Why would I have this dream right after this beautiful Navaho princess that substitutes long term approached me about the students or?? ...her long dark hair flowed and later it dawned on me thoughts of her interest in moi (???)...she is married (?) with children but he could see easily stay another year or more if he let this fantasy become reality?? She would be the best cure for breaking this long depressing spell of the Ice Wiccan!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Uncle Death takes some well needed rest and relaxation!

I was debating about wether to talk about M Grumpus who has too much work and is worried about getting a C to spoil her summa cum laude average or how excited I was about my chess team and that Dad is still alive even though he has serious congestive heart failure. I need all of you reikimasters and mistresses to send positve energy and reiki to Dad and Lillian's cousin Jimmy. Lately I've been praying and don't think only the Repukes and Jesusland have sole control of God and Christmas!
"Give me a break!
They're even angry at Bush for not saying Christmas in his greeting cards this year!"

Don't get me started but I even want ex gfs out there to send some positive energy to my sick father. Please wish him help and make him happy in his last few year. I pray that he will be able to use his legs so he can still take walks on the beach and see that beautiful surf that's in his back yard. I only have the Serendipachi moutains in my back yard. Imagine if I eventually worked on the beach near Byron Bay with the beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean on one side and the Blue Mountains on the other side!

Muffy thinks I'm a cheap bastard
(asking if I pocketed the extra 2$ she left on top of my $9 tip at the table...she had to make a point of getting change just to piss me off and have the last word on a 60 dollar meal saying to everybody what a cheap bastard I am. So I want to save $2 after I already leave $9. I tell ya I don't get no rescpect from alceys at redneck pubs, angry students or administrators, angry testosteroned Btenders and Bitchy Btendresses taking out their hypoglycemic premenstrual rages on you!!@)

"You should pay for it since you only pay $200 in rent and the reservation pays all your utilities, you cheap bastard. Can you pay for my membership to this feminist spa?"


enough already!
"Will you shut the fudge up??"
Marty writes for his writing assignment hating my voice as much as M, and Clay!

seriously,
I sometimes I wonder how warped the thinking of those crooks in the caucasian house is, but it's no match for the thinking of a moody woman!
Of course darling and I'll pay for you to visit me in February but I won't give you my new cell phone number (just kidding)....at least until you let me spank you for being such a naughty and rude girl to your teacher!
mmmmmm.....buts its been so long again and I know now she's getting very near the nymphomanic part of her cycle....mmmmm...horny goat weed
and spin city!
Sky Rockets in flight afternoon delight while we are snowed in while her offspring are somewhere else
no worries mate!...
the fires going, I've had to find some wood and risk chopping with the sore shoulders, arms, wrists of a middle aged former athlete...
I'm turned on by the fact that she finally beats me in scrabble and she wants to Schtupp Herr Garvald so badly!
make up lovin.....
She looked so good in the video with her bright red gluteus maximus in full view and doing an erotic dance with the towel....mmmm
scuse me...
let me know if it's too racy and I'll do a Pg rated version of this essay and save the draft for later viewing on adult blogs...
Just kidding M!
Today is like the top one out of 100 or more days in such a long time, since finding out I really had a job
momentarily shutting up the obsessed radio lady who keeps saying to everyone to get a job while she cons them to buy advertising time on a nazikristian konservative station in Denver....

Muffy bristles at Garvald's mistaken adventure with an ugly woman inside and out brainwashed into rationalizing her own fundamentalist form of kristianity. As soon as G saw the faux church lady, his aging tool thought even a decade on a deserted island would only accentuate the withering ..hoping that it will eventually rescued by the Love boat!

she rolls her eyes,
"Now I'm not in the mood anymore!"
she says
and the the sour Joan look turns into ultimate happiness as Garvald goes snorkeling below the surface!

I wondered last night if I ever would be happy like I have been before when everything seems to be falling into place. Maybe its the confidence from some adderall and the buzz from those delicious flax seed cookies she sent me, but I'm starting to think that maybe I have something going here in the Rez??!!
I was thinking for 3 hours in the tub on this record cold day in the wild, wild, bipolar west about what I would say to you,
wanting to share with you my happiness,
the natural high of life,
learning to grab the gusto of what few years of virile life I have
instead of just wallowing in the thoughts and fears of death and self pity


Roosevelt said, "The only thing man has to fear is fear itself"
Great leaders with charisma have lead countries through very difficult wars.
Lincoln and the civil war...Winston Churchill in WW2... all of them went through great sadness or fought of deep depressions. Roosevelt was a healthy good looking man humbled by polio and the paralysis of his legs, before he came out of it at first by helping other victims of the disease which in turn gave him the Little Orphan Annie attitude of unstoppable positive thinking!
"The sun'll come up Tomorrow!"

I feel the same way with all this death and attempted suicide it's to get very down
but then I wake up the next morning with a hug and cuddle from the Buffster, tuning into NPR and get my fix of the news...hearing how Bush and our might repukes go on about even Jewish presidents should send Christ mas cards for Crissake, Mate! just kidding...why not a merry Ghandi or smiling Buddha card. ...that ought to please the brainwashed folks that believe that Jesus founded this country! Don't get me started...I just had an argument with one of those imcompetent design fanatics telling me evolution is a religion and that I can't believe in God if I have that scientific belieF! www.hereinreality.com read the tagboard!
grrrrrr
I have my fix of mocha (swiss miss and coffee) before
my 300 meter dash to my portable each am
taking in the sun shining on me each am...
it come over the horizon and shines on my backyard mountains even on this coldest of mornings in the fresh air while catching up to Ms. Liuba and her 100 meter walk! We chat briefly, I share my concern for Dad, and I know that I have friends here...
I feel the vibes having the best morning from Clay He's just won his fifth match this year, and he tells me about it while another rival school was cheering him on (it was a 3 way meet). My only student today.
(Of course, after lunch, he purposely(?) forgets his card so that he can flirt with the girls, be the center of attention and think that he can the 2nd TV dinner I owe him... he goes into his very predictable hypoglycemic rages parallel to the Muffster's Joan Crawford rages when I finally pull the plug on the puter since he refuses to get off.. He starts whining and complaining so I say he sounds like a girl, but I won't give into his spoiled brat syndrome. These kids go into these moods for a reason, often learned and then only accentuated by their low blood sugar!
On a good note, I write a speach about how my number one player took over the largest diagonal of the chess board beating the number 1 player from the Arizona team who had won the tournament with many shools in Gallup last month.! This is made during lunch so everyone in the cafeteria and courtyard can hear me. Several of the veteran chess players show up and we have the largest turnout of 7 players for practice. Two other players show that they might even be stronger than my new star. I'm pleased to know that we will depth and fierce competition for the top 5 spots on the team. I was excited even about giving them a lesson on algebraic notation as an efficient way to document their game while explaining the most basic opening.!
They then start eagerly playing 30 minute games with the clock!
and I'm feeling how serendipitous and synchronistic that just as this is happening a movie is just out on DVD who brings out the best in his chess players. It reminded Muffy so much of me and how I want to incorporate chess into these poor rural student's eyes...and from there they can alway have sight of the stars...
I can see how it can even help Clay think ahead in his wrestling matches!

and now Muffy, as I've changed my name, please be respectful of my own anonymity ....and besides this is all fictional!
You may leave comments.....
Dec. 10th, samstag:
Ill just chat with you for five minutes before I bake some more whole wheat and flax seed bread for my neighbors party. My favorite special ed teacher and Raphael are hosting it. I'm so happy that I won't have the nosy borginator telling me what to do next year. My neighbor is always nice, extremely helpful, confident and never bossy. She lets me confide in her and is wise beyond her very young years! Besides the couple wants peace in the world!

I need to ask her what is the best way to deal with Clay who's failing all of his subjects because he refuses to do work. Maybe if I involve the whole village, the coaches (although I dont like talking to the Arkansan TFA brat, but he seems to look for ways to point out my mistakes:
"Why is your door locked"
"I don't know. I don't want to be blamed and written up when things are stolen!"
"You should keep your door locked!"
Then I get a monthly comment on my lesson plans a couple weeks later ... it is much more positive but
I'm told to keep the doors unlocked and to work on my classroom management. Only the 22 year old TFA boy (who seems to be in her office everyday leaving his own classroom unattended to schmooze MB's rear end and report on every day activity as a good little spy should!) has visited my classroom giving me some printouts and then offering to teach clay. He makes it a point of visiting the library while I was having the chess match with the other school. He looks around and takes a mental note of everything so that he can make a report to the queen.
It's funny how the average age of the schmoozers is maybe at the most 25?? Let's see who's in there everyday?: the band leader who has a determination to become a principal somewhere, he's about 25, the Borginator-24 , and her TFA brother is 23 at the most. They are very high achieving youngsters! Mcb could be their grandmother! I could be TFA boy's Dad. Let's see, I was in Arkansas about 25 years ago. ;)
On a great note, we only have one more week of the Borginator telling me what to do!

Sunday 3:13 pm-
"I'm relaxed and lazy today catching up on my sleep and not taking the addaboy. My body is saying to me to catch up on sleep and rejuvenate! I got up once in the morning only to make the most delicious whole wheat bread with almost half a cup of flax seed, a banana to serve as sugar for the yeast, a little milk and an egg. It rose so well flowing over the edge of the large breadmaker. I had to show it off giving a large thick slice to Fraulein Schmidt.
I enjoyed visiting all of the teachers and new families last night at my other neighbor's cookie exchange party where I brought yesterday's loaf. It was no where near as good as my light and fluffy loaf today. I was thinking that I might be blessed sometimes with wonderful things in life that I should learn to cherish; a beautiful loving dog, Buffy and my most delicious creation, whole wheat and flax seed banana bread! I have been very happy and really see the potential of our chess team. Clay can do so well in wrestling(if he would only work and let me teach him) and I'm excited about telling the school that we should have the potential to be state champions for the 2nd year in a row. I'm excited that maybe things will fall into place with my students and I can be so proud of coaching a winning team that will help bring this rural Indian village out of the doldrums! They enjoy the publicity of doing well at something, especially at something that is so academic such as chess!

sunday evening at the puter: December 11th,
I would love to visit with some folk and give some of my delicious bread rather than develop a plan for Clay to pass this 3 subjects. He needs to take a day exam with several essay questions and grammar. I could get some test questions out of the Briggance and use this as part of the exam. Circle where you found the answers- comprehension, grammar level, and oral reading level. I need to talk to the wrestling coach who has invited for Clay to be in his english class next semester. I actually think that Clay will stay in his class rather than leave frequently for long 40 minute to hour breaks and longer as he currently does in math class. I wonder how well he will manipulate RJ as he has manipulated other adults and peers with his combination of charm and violent intimidation?
I have a lot of hope for him but I'm concerned how he will survive after high school where he won't be able to always get his way through violent temper tantrums. Hopefully his frequent boredom with mostly everything (ADD symptoms) and his hypoglycemic rages won't get him into trouble with the law. I was motivating (TV dinners) and encouraging him to take his physical for a month . I was so happy that he tinally took it and started going to practice on a regular basis. He is 6-2 now!...undefeated until the last tournament mostly pinning his opponents with his size .. his brute anger and lack of fear scares his challengers. I wish that he would be motivated to write about his matches. Then would help him analyze what he has to do next to avoid the same mistakes. ( my chess players will start documenting their matches at least with algebraic notation!)

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Dear Dad,

I love you so much! God, please help Dad recover and that his legs get in good shape. I want to see you in June and tell you about all the wonderful things that will be ahead in my life. I want Muffy to come with me too to see you. I will try to reach you tomorrow!

November 22
I only have 2 hours before I head back to the Okie Zone for some rest and relaxation!

November 26th
15 hours of driving with a stop off few a few hours and have Firestone put a new boot on cv axles (?) I am so mechanically disinclined! It's sure nice to see Muffy but dealing with her unstable blood sugar and her having to take care of her daugter's issues puts her on the high stress level!
It is a beautiful day today in KC and she wants to see me this evening so maybe I can hang around for a few more hours and start heading out this evening. I'll get into Okc maybe by evening??
It's funny being in the area of Westport for Sushi and a beer at the Buzzard Beach to see Chillicothe Dave, the resident philosopher of the dive. By coincidence, www.kcdrinkers.com, according to Dave, was here but they appeared to by gone when I sauntered over there. I tried to get attention from the upstairs bartender, Dennis and he seemed to reluctantly put out his hand in greeting. Oh well, was I was percieving the typical kind of welcome that I get from so many places and the thick negative vibes from M's daughter since she had moved back in to escape from the strictness of her father.

It seemed as usual the trip went south after M came back from work and not the loving girl that greeted me.
I suppose it doesnt help when her mother is dealing with the pent up animosity from her child.
It's so nice when her older daughter basically told her younger sister to get over it. This morning, knowing that I would be leaving, she actually offered me a couple of instant biscuit that she had left over.
I bought some natural herbs, holy millweed or something , to help stabilize the nice older sister's anxiety attacks that have suddenly come on for the first time in her life. I wonder if the onset of being away from her mother brings on some sort of seperation anxiety. We had a good chat last night and it helped me understand more the dynamics of the family. I think unstable blood sugar runs in the family and I hope this will help! If they make sure to take the much better and healthier alternative to zanax!

November 28th,
Thanksgiving has come and gone by the time I exhaled. 30 hours of driving total! ...down hill about a mile or so into the rich saturated oxygenated air and then back into the cold and snow starting the winter of discontent?? or??..There's a momentary state of euphoria, while soaking in the last warm day of native American summer at your home in the O zone...later having a beer with Charles, John and Tanya. I see how the social chairman is not missed when we all a able to get a word in edgewise! It's so nice to relax without him cutting you down to show everyone where his insecure spot on the neighborhood pecking order is! Boy just thinking about him interupting gets my blood pressure up and wondering if I'll ever motivate my emotionally disturbed student bully to learn and cooperate. He manipulates folks, even the career counselor for time on the computer. That is the only consequence I can give him! take away the puter privileges!

But all of this seems so petty when I'm realizing the finity of time especially how there could easily be less than 10 conversations left with him.
Dad, you talked me out of coming to Oz last year when I could have spent so much time there and visit you for a few times until you get sick of me the way M and many folk, especially the alcoholic mates at the pub!
Now I might need to take an emergency trip there for xmas . This would probably be the last xmas with you Dad so I need to seriously consider making the trip!
I was starting to choke up the way I was when I was walking with Buffy in the dark illuminated by the infinite stars on the way to my portable classroom. I was thinking that the last person that loves me unconditionally will be gone!
I wish that I could say that I was incredibly happy with M but I don't think that we ever could live together with the rages obviously caused by low blood sugar. I tolerate her anger the way she tolerates my stupidity "dumb ass"
when I can't find her pads and the lysol so that I can save her a trip from going upstairs. ( This disability is sometimes accentuated by the herb );
She screams her displeasure in front of the teenage kids holed upstairs in L's bedroom. I yell back at her trying to assert myself while getting a dirty look (of wishing the fat old man was dead look) from her darling daughter.
I realize, Dad, that you wouldn't understand how this sweet pretty girl
could easily compete with the fieriness of both Joan Collins and Crawford!

So, Dad, now you just had a mild heart attack that has prevented you from being able to move your legs. I am happy that your mind is still sharp. I'm happy that M was able to put us on 3 way so that you could hear her voice and converse another reader of your very deep (at least for moi) writing!
I want you to know that she at least loves me and I love her. You can probably tell that when you hear her voice. She has a pretty voice at least!

I'm finally able to get through to the hospital in Australia!

November 29th 11:30
I just wanted to talk to you for five minutes. I am sorry that you are out of breath and don't want me to see you until you feel better. I was hoping that I could see you and the other relatives for 2 weeks. But I guess you think that I might be going there for selfish reasons also just to relax in their summer and make the winter shorter?? Please God, I hope that you are alive and in good spirits when I see you in June. Maybe I can take a long trip for 3 months over the summer??
Muffy was angry with me also because I was calling so late and then she hung up when I was trying to figure what time of the month it was. She becomes mad when I repeat things she say, but she still doesn't understand that it is my way of processing it. So she says that she's not due for another 10 days so therefore it lasts around 28 days she must have had it before the full moon??
Grumpy pmsing (?) women or grumpy old men.
Dad says not to worry? Why worry Mate??
I guess I can relax and spend time in the okie zone and the KC zone and pray not to overextend my welcome anywhere. Where could a sometimes talkative ADD ole boy go to ramble with open ears??

9:30 November 30th,
Clay's IEP is tomorrow . I'm glad, Laurie, the Iep expert, will help me make sure the verbage is correct on all of it. My dillemma is developing some effective behavioral strategies and possibly being under the gun again by the shrink and McB (but the principal is quiet usually) and the Borginator is sick, so maybe we can have a productive non-contentious meeting. It's important that we talk about a plan to hold Clay accountable for his behavior and lack of work. It's veru frustrating that he refuses to read out loud. I need to time him as far as how well he reads in wpm and comprehension.
I will start reading to the kids more!
My other student, Marty, said I was going to die in two weeks and then mentioned it again even though I had one of the best learning days with him in a couple of weeks. I was happy that he seemed to be eager to learn and take part in finding out where his grade level in understanding vocabulary was.
They both have difficulty decoding words but Marty is so much easier to teach than Clay. He has maybe a one minute attention span.
I spent a couple of hours finishing up Clay's IEP. It's interesting putting so much focus on the education plan of a student for a year, yet hardly anyone will look at the 27 page book that is required because of so much litigation by greedy parents eager for financial settlement. I remember the one bipolar mother of that child on her warpath attending the meetings with her lawyer!
I told the powers that be that I did not want to be in the same room with this primadonna and her gifted spoiled brat. What kind of monster would be created by this Madamme Frankenstein??
Forgive me, but I digress!@

Thorsday 10:34 pm

Overall its been a good day except Dr. Stick (up her lower intestine) verbally attacking me about my point sheet for Clay. He and BettyLou were giving me a hard time about the other point sheet and they wouldn't buy into it, but BL is now doing a good job keeping track of all the points and adding them up on her adding machine like a great bookkeeper to help give credibility to his new "checking" account (to use to buy computer time, food and any other treats that the class currency can buy with negotiation) Clay finally seemed to buy into it and then said how wonderful Ms. Pancho's behavior plan was for Clay last year. I always hate getting compared to last year's teacher that I replaced and it seem to be the same ole nightmare as the one in KCK with some insecure woman with some degree up her butt, attacking something about me, the IEP or the behavior plan. She had herself set up next to Laurie with her little notepad to record everything almost like it was her little throne. I sat in between her spot and Laurie, while gradually the Borginator comes in, with renewed vigor back from her sickness (?) dressed up in her LL Bean vest almost looking like the Michelin man especially with her very short almost male haircut. Then she contradicted Laurie on some matter about career verses standard pathways even though L has so much experience over this other power hungry lady destined to move up the administrative ladder. So after the meeting, which went very well , despite these Machiavellian Malevolent Maddona's intent on their agenda, the Borg barks out a few orders to Laurie about helping me with S.A.S.I. Then she of course saunters over to the principal who fortunately wasn't there to judgementalize amd tell her the whole scoop. I feel much safer with the male assistant principal popping in and out rather than old and young felines with very sharp claws ready to go for the jugular with any chance at finding any little weakness. They feel justified in their quest which makes them more dangerous than George Bush with a Karl Rove script in front of him!

I just had some of my best writing just then and I erased it ! I feel great about Clay and that I'm bonding even more with him. I'm excited about him starting to make a real commitment for wrestling practice. He has more energy and he's less angry. He's more cooperative and was so polite in the meeting. He's very bright and can see that he go places if he starts really believing in himself. In the meeting, we decided that I'd be teaching him Algebra and actually the Borginator seemed to be making sense of what he needed next year.

Well, I need to get some sleep as our chess team will have it's first match against a tough team from Arizona.

Time flies by so quickly! and then we'll have 2 weeks off for XMAS!

Samstag 3:oo pm December 3rd

I didn't realize there was a parade this afternoon in town after the balloon festival. I caught the tail end of it when they were throwing out candy. Thanks for the bubble gum! It's kind a fun checking out the outdoor flea market in the windy cold but sunny day while negotiating with the vendors over food and trinkets. I hope M likes the turquoise thing (can't think of the name) made out of buffalo with a little silver feather. I thought a lot about what to get . I liked the peace pipe/tomahawk too! Maybe I'll get that someday!

Lately I haven't been believing in the magic here in the land of enchantment but then I still see so many coincidences that seem to parallet the celestine prophecies. I found out that they are making a movie about this new wave spirituality while blogging myself through boredom on a Friday night far away from any pub. 30 miles seems to far to drive risking my neck with very drunk natives on highway 666.

I think what if Marty was right about me dying in 2 weeks. He mentioned it twice that day after I heard that he wanted to end it himself last Friday. I've been thinking about him and all the hate that he has. My mind can't help but think about the troubled kids that ended their lives at Columbine. I told Trout about the threats (?) but nothing was done and the next day Marty wasn't feeling well or just sleepy so the office sent him home. By coincidence I saw Marty at the flea market with a couple and their baby. The man with long hair with almost caucasian features seemed to be young to be his dad. I noticed Marty coincidentally after talking a few minutes with the manager of the booth with all different kinds of native medicinal herbs to ward off evil and serve as medicine for a variety of ailments. I tasted a little of it and then I saw my student with his hood on the way all the kids wear these parkas. He was very surprised, not recognizing me with the sunglasses and my new native wool hat.

I wonder if there was a reason to see him especially after the peddler was talking about taking the tea and praying to ward off the evil spirits. (Muffy must be rolling her eyes that I'm even entertaining these thoughts of evil spirits. I know that I'm haunted by a few issues so I ought to go back there and get some tea! It could be a very good year or not. I'm excited about my other student going with the wrestling team to Utah and being invited to go to OZ! Then I'm very concerned about the other very troubled 17 year old.

I was happy with our match against St. Michael's of Arizona. The player I've been coaching beat their #1 player with some brilliant moves. His bishop stayed on the longest diaganol of the board backing up his queen before checkmating his king. I'm looking forward to announcing his sole victory for announcements at our school. The player that he beat won the tournament in town and has been competing in many tournaments in Arizona! We were missing 3 of our veteran players but this player takes his time with his moves and appears to be a much more effective stable player. Unfortunately he was a little too eager to check mate the #2 player in his 2nd match, forgetting that opponents pawn would take his queen. Always check and make sure you are safe before moving!

Sunday 12 pm Dec 4th

Only a few weeks left before I'm a half century old,still brooding over finally getting my teacher's license and it's only a provisional level 1 when I should be getting a level 2 with $5,000 more in pay! (Boy I was happy when I called Monday that they made a mistake! Did not all those extra years of teaching help and also they didn't certify me for all the science that I was qualified in. I'll need to call the state dept. during planning tomorrow after taking the Addaboy and my home insurance company. They are threatening to charge me rental rates but I have a room mate because I'm still legally living there. I'll tell them that I go home on weekends. It will be wonderful when I have the house paid off in a year so that I won't be at the insurance company's mercy. I'll increase the deductible to as high a rate as allowed since they only gave me $1,000 towards buying a new roof. That might be as high as 4k to do!!

Now I am bored as usual wondering how to kill my Sunday in the REZ?? Buffy is playing with her new toy, an old tennis ball found outside my portable. It was the only way to get her to come back to me, but she's having a great time running around with it around in the classroom!

In two weeks I'll be back in the Okie zone for holidays with a visit to M for xmas. She seems to get tired of my visits after about two days! Hopefully this time it might be the right time of the month?? It will be nice to see her and the older daughter that's nice to me. It will also be fun to party in Westport.

Tuesday

I'm extremely tired even with the different prescription of addaboy. Buffy runs off this am when I'm off to work. I know she won't come back to me and I don't wanna be late as that will be marked against me, so I go for a walk with the students to my place to find her. She's teasing the other dogs behind their fence and comes to my students. We are able to grab her and I put her in the kennel.

She tore up my Irish fleece last night when I went into town to see the Dr. about the prescription and my wrist. I wonder if it's sexual tension. She's acting more and more like an emotionally disturbed dog and the consequences I give her aren't working.

I'm taking off the comments on this essay since M keeps saying my name!....lata

1030 pm

Tough day with Clay. But I was teaching Marty and he was respectful for a change. Clay came back from Utah winning the tournament but with a very poor attitude towards doing any work at all. He was even threatening to quit wrestling. Then the TFA assistant coach wants to tell me that I'm pushing him too much about wrestling. This upsets me especially when this punk assistant less than half my age is trying to give me advice on my student. If it's not the Borginator, I have to deal with a friend of hers. They remind me of young brainwashed Republicans! The Tfa with something up his butt never says hello to me but wants to point out to me that I'm doing something wrong. He even comes all the way to the library just to check out how our meet with the other school in chess is going. I guess he was an only child!

Don't they realize that Clay wouldn't be on the team if I didn't pull strings because of his poor grades and blowing off appointments for physicals. I realize that wrestling is the best thing for him. Now he doesnt do any work and when I fail him, I'm sure that I will get the blame.

Now everybody is an advocate for students instead of learning tough love with these kids and setting boundaries. I' sure he'll have another temper tantrum like a little boy who doesn't get his way angry that I came down to the football field to talk to the coach. He has tantrums nearly every day about little things. Today he was angry at another student throwing a little hackie sack at him when I have a feeling he instigated it. He enjoys trying to get on my nerves but then gets upset when he has consequences. He's still very angry about the TV dinner I owe him. I told him that he won't get one until he has a good morning of work. I'm glad that he wrote about how angry he was at that other student. Maybe I have started to teach him to write when he's upset. He initiated the writing on his own and I think it helps him put all of his anger in perspecitve. (I hope that some of my angry ex gfs have done that so they might not hate me any more....she rolls her eyes)

On a good note, M told me that she finally took the computer away from her younger daughter's room. I'm glad that she's finally practicing some tough love on her! Maybe now she will make some progress with her behavior!

Wednesday December 7th, Pearl Harbor Day

I was just telling my students and happy to have a teachable moment (I was excited that Clay was actually reading about it out loud because he was interested, {the father of memory as Dad would say to me), about my father fighting against the Japanese in the Phillipines and meeting General Macarthur. My brother called while I was at ballroom dancing and it worries me because the last conversation I had with Dad was him not wanting me to come see him. Now I will worry all night but on the long 30 mile drive on Hway 666 into the lonely landscape, I was almost resigned to Dad being already gone (it's too hard to say the finality of death). Lately it seems so much around me and in the world. My students talking about it or even attempting to go over to the other side. Today they were playing the song about the other side. Clay was even mentioning that when he is drunk how easy it would be to end it. He thought that it was a brave thing or almost like it was something exciting to do. I told him that it's much braver to live and face growing older. It's exciting to to just know what will happen to the earth if this is the only conciousness that we have. Coincidentally, I was watching this movie about it with Robin Williams going to heaven and then to hell to rescue his wife who had committed suicide. I sure hope that Dad is alive but what if he passed away while I watching this movie last night! It sure would be nice to know there is heaven and then life would be worth so much more knowing that you would be having the chance to go to a much better place instead of the emptiness that his wife expected after their darling children died in a car accident. Today a student attempted to end it in one of the bathrooms. Fortunately some girls discovered her and the ambulance took her away.

I wonder if my older brother will be asking me to go to see Dad or go to his funeral. I wish that Dad would have wanted to see me. I had a whole year where I easily could have done that and each time he wouldn't allow me to go. ...or I just definitely didn't have his approval. He would talk to me like I was a child.

It was so hard to get respect from him, the students that I teach every year and especially I don't even get the respect from Muffy. Maybe I will be mistreated by folks all my life until I discover a way not to tolerate it anymore.

For some reason at this point I am calm about it or the finality of death has already put me into a funky kind of depression. I've been brooding about it and so maybe when it finally happens it is not bothering me as I would expect it to. But if I get that phone call tomorrow morning from Ron and he's gone, maybe then I will break down. Maybe the fact that I still have some of the medication still in my system from early this morning to help me cope with overwhelming thoughts. The adderal or the small portion of the pill does help me feel much more confident in dealing with everything (ie lesson plans, students, making the necessary phone calls, getting the xrays just to make sure I don't have any broken bone, etc)...

I've learned that I am a survivor and have used support systems before. Friends though few have helped me when I've asked for it and I've learned to live just one day at a time while not letting myself get overwhelmed with the future. I remember planning on devoting myself to my students to help them instead of dwelling on Alene's death. I would hang out at the Red Dog watching exotic dancers just to get my mind off of her ...to momentarily escape instead of going to the loneliness of my home and the empty bed that she shared with me for a third of the previous 13 years. She was not there to cuddle and comfort me anymore the way she did when Mom passed away. It's funny now that I'm letting tears well up in my eyes as a way for me to heal. I remember how I never tried to fight the tears ....the water droplets cleaned my eyes so that I would see better, become wiser and learn to accept fate...accepting things that I couldn't change, and learning to know which things I can change ....acquiring the wisdom to know the difference..I know that I can save some at risk kids from ending up as burdens on society or behind bars,,,just as I learn to know that many of my students will fall through the cracks ...I'm learning to know which battles to fight as a peaceful warrior..

Buffy looks at me so sweetly seeing her sad eyes and see that she is my gift from God and I cry again...she has done so much for me on these lonely nights and always there to cuddle ...never failing to cheer me up...no wonder dogs are man's best friends!

February 1, 2006

I prayed for Dad and now he is ok. His bday is coming up the same as my good friend, Elizar's son, Horacio is turning two! and feb 7th is the same as Charles, my neighbor in OKC!

It would be nice to actually know that there is another life.Someone else still very dear to me told me of her beliefs several years ago and I believed she really believes this.For me it appears to be a fantasy, but wouldn't it be great if we had another chance see our twin flame again when the circumstances are better or worse.It goes with my own evolving agnostic spirituality that really is a collective conciousness. Why else when you are thinking of a lover, they seem to always call you when you are about to call them? This lends credence to our own concious being connected to others whether it is positive or negative. Walking into a room full of negative vibes verses a roomfull of warmth. I want to believe that all this positive energy(reiki) could have reached my father in Australia. I need to call him and ask him if he felt anything. I want to believe that my dead wife is still talking to me while I search for that magical path in my own journey. I like to think of life as a dvd film and I want to fill it up with as many wonderful things just in case this is our only journey. Then we are in eternity watching this movie over and over. Maybe there will be the good memories that we can cherish when we are upstairs or downstairs?

November 4th,

What do I ultimately want out of life?

I suppose the ultimate I can do is make a positive impact somewhere where I feel needed and wanted.... when I'm waiting to see where I go just before I see my own body and others in the room looking at me from the perspective of the ceiling, I will feel proud of myself that I was able to make others happy and my future family happy. It would be nice to see them all around me .. just before I depart to see the loved ones that I've missed for so long.I'm sorry I'm getting verklempt. Tears are rolling down my cheeks now.

What gives my life meaning?

When I'm involved in a long term project that others will enjoy the fruits of as much as I do!If I had my life to live over, what would I do with it? I would cherish the moments with my family and loved ones that have gone. I would be more generous to others and of course be kinder to myself. I would have made the choice of having a family.

What ideals, if any, would I be willing to die for?

That's a very difficult answer. I suppose if I found out that I had children it would be for them. I have yet to experience the unconditional love a parent would have for his/her blood.What would bring me more happiness than anything else in the world?Probably living with a family that I could call mine and ours. I suppose living with the perfect mate and mother where both of us would enjoy growing together with our family...that would be the ultimate. I would love to live in a utopian community where we could walk everywhere and folks were friendly. Is that too much to ask?

this poem is from an anonymous blogger:

I wonder if she helped Dad live just a little bit longer??

"gypsy magic, gypsy soulgypsy fortunes, gypsy goldgypsy mystery, gypsy moongypsy luck comes our way soon!"

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.”

Ralph Emmerson

I can't help having vulgur dreams of persecution when I'm continually being contradicted by so many folks.

Buffy has been crying since about 4am and I'm worried about her holding her thinking the worst that maybe she had choked on the steak bone or something horrible. I can't find my keys and I don't want to leave worrying about her health. I worry about like a father would for a child. I want to stay home with her and nurse her.

I wonder why I go into this job where I know that I'll be verbally abused by my students on a daily basis . You then add insult to injury then getting it from the principal when I'm the victim of the abuse.
" There is a difference between having ideas and assuming an expertise better left to other professions!" Mcb emails me with verbal violence after hearing her anger on the phone while the students are listening to me take the verbal lashing.
"You're gonna get fired!"
He laughs derisively after coming back empowered by the principal. He loves to be sent there for there are no consequences and it's a chance to get the white man from town in trouble. I have this learning disability that makes me such a slow learner of human nature!
It's like watering a vine that you know will strangle you with contempt when all want to do is help him through his loss the way you helped yourself with your loss, Garvald! Then when you're gone he sits on your chair from your desk even with the assistant there. He looks forward to turn his hate into disrespect.

Marty comes in after a week of absences very angry and not wanting to do work. I make the mistake of reading a passage about dealing with loss considering that Alene died so suddenly almost 11 years ago. I'm mistaken into thinking that it will do some good. I'm even chastised by my union rep who's wondering about my own intelligence.
"You don't talk to Navaho's about death"
I feel very small and retarded. All of this anger when I'm just trying to do some good. I almost wish that I had called in sick but then I wouldn't have met a wonderful speaker. This man was paid 1000$ to come in for 2 and a half days to preach to the shool about active non-violence in the spirit of Martin Luther King. I help out all day with the workshop and I'm caught up in the seed that can really help this community!
I had a good chat with him about the "gossip", which is a form of violence, that has caused so much contentiousness in our own faculty. I think that he must have a good chat with McB later because she was actually friendly to me for the first time in a long while! She joked about keeping an eye on the young man in front of me eager to eat from the "buffet" of delicious home cooked meal!
I was very moved by his speaking and how others were affected by this philosophy that seems like it will ignite! God, Universal Energy, please let this seed flourish!

Wow~all of a sudden you feel the rush of a good day, when you've lost so many battles but you keep getting back up with all the scars of a peaceful warrior on the front lines of Kingian Philosopy (but really plagiarized from Ghandi philosophy of peaceful nonviolence)and to mutally solve problems together !...
pppp...

back to reality...you wake up from your delusions of grandeur
isolated from the civilized world
in a Navaho community sheltered by the fence of the teacherridge
a metaphor for the walls of a fort 135 years ago

you pluck passionately away on the keyboard ....
knowing that someone out there is listening to you

they at this moment feel your same cosmic energy of love
you hope that your special friends that shared your relatively brief life(as compared to eternity and to the millions of years of life evolving on this earth)
you hope they are reading these thoughts ...
you ask them to visualize you right now at this moment
your friends might have made passionate love to you
and momentarily you shared that moment of unison together
as your thoughts melded with their's


sat at library:
my wrist hurts so much from the bike accident just on the way to the post office
so what is worse than boredom, being in pain and worrying that your wrist might never be the same to type. It is hard to move my left fingers since I might have sprained my wrist on the fall when the tire fell in between the ridges of the metal bridge. That's when instinct tells you to go the long way or take the car that's finally fixed!

SO I'll not write much or just write freehand until my left hand feels better! Hanging out in the public library after a couple games of chess at the coffee shop in town.

Sunday 8;42 Pm
I decided to write to you for five minutes each day, even when the moment is lost and I don't feel as eloquent as I did while sitting in the hot tub under the full moon half an hour ago! At least the left wrist is better so I can look forward to Rosie. That you might think that's funny especially since I've been avoiding temptation even though it hasn't even been around. Curiously or definitely not serendipitously one of the cute Native girls from ballroom dancing was at the checker auto parts store after hearing me give the manager a hard time for wasting a trip to town and having to tell the janitor that was going to fix the car that I didn't have the parts for the fuel pump to be changed. ( He finally changed it Friday. Several gallons of gas were missing and a broken pair of sunglasses sat on the window pane. I wonder about adressing him about the missing gas ?? Maybe he felt justified because of the wasted trip out last weekend??)
I wasted the weekend and had a bicycle accident! The only productive thing that I did was set up the hot tub. In a week and a half I might be in KC visiting M. Who knows?
My moods go up and down in this lonely environment almost of envious of the obese TFA boy having some fresh English meat and now he's back to oriental cuisine. He's smooth but I wonder what these poor victims see in him??

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Pulp fiction

Monday 11pm

Watching the wrinkles gather as your skin dehydrates under the dry Navaho sun. You wonder where your life is going at the moment not feeling fulfilled as the image of this utopia or round table of noble teachers is slowly sapped away. You are still so much more impressed with the hearts and minds of so many here including the principal that want to do so much for these kids.
You are disheartened that you think that you could be overwhelmed with the competition that can keep up with all this Baldridge philosophy that is almost a religion forced on these teachers to produce results! No child left Behind has put on the pressure for there to be results even in very depressed Navaho reservations!

I need to make it a point of at least writing to you for a few minutes each night before I get caught up with my favorite soap opera of characters that live on the hereinreality tagboard waiting to cut and paste from my site again.
I think about these disturbed individuals that frequent this site might have a different type of neuroses
than the alcoholics that visit their neighborhood pub too afraid to be alone...
so they make friends with other lonely folks while they drink their way to their eventual oblivion.
(woh..thats pretty deep.. ;)
These tagboard nerds have no real friends so they pretend they do ... they think that they might be doing some good in their self righteous desire to be heard...

Buffy is looking at me now wondering when I'll walk her to our home in the teacherridge (not sure of the spelling??) It's only 2 tenths of a mile away. I sometimes feel the intimacy of the other teachers here 30 miles away from a city. We share our lives in this small community. When we are at these workshops to help improve we start feeling a camaraderie as we all share a potluck lunch. I feel the positive vibes from others that are new here, especially from foreign countries all alone like me. Then there are the friendly veterans but there are a few TFA teachers that were probably overachieving little snots spoiled by their parents. Maybe they will or will not get rid of what ever it is that is stuck up their ass. Maybe they might not feel that you are worthy when you barely get a grunt from them when you greet them...maybe you are not even close to their intelligence or high academic achievement to be worthy of their attention....oh well ...no worries mate!

I then think that there are single folks that eventually become even more neurotic in certain ways as they learn to have different ways of coping with the loneliness..
I'd like to continue this some more...

Wednesday 5:46 pm :)

I'm in town tonight at the local library before ballroom dancing. It seems like I'm getting more hits since I've been writing a little more. No worries, M. I'll always have the chance to edit the run on sentences later!

It's amazing after having a good chat with sympathetic ears and a chance to sleep, how everything seems and feels so much better. We had our first frost and it was hard for Buffy to wake up. She is so cute curled up beside my bed each day as the morning light streams into the bedroom while waking up to hearing about earthquakes on NPR.
I'm going to try finish moving this weekend into my new place across the cul de sac. It has such a beautiful view of my backyard mountain! I will see the sun shining on her while I drink my extra creamy mocha swiss miss blend. Seeing her sure helps wipe away the depressing thoughts that I might have gone to sleep to!

I was happy when the lady from the main office (the IEP expert) was so helpful. She reassured me that I would have the necessary help. It was just nice to know that I could relax again. Last night I was still brooding about the principal admonishing me about the first IEP. The much more empathetic IEP lady understood how IEPs from one state can differ so much! She realized that 27 pages can be so intimidating. The district had to make it so long to cover their assets after so many lawsuits.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Hot tub in the Rez!

It was so wonderful and I'm excited about hanging out in this water trough under the full moon only missing M!
The fire was blazing underneath the horse trough that Brandon lent me. He helped explain how to start a fire and then put the trough on it before adding the water. I got a sheet to put over the metal so that I wouldn't be sitting on the hot metal. The metal would get so hot under my buns so by adding the water hose running only slightly was enough to keep the ass cool and be immersed in the hot water. The water took only about an hour to warm up and all I needed was my sweet baby to be with me in my new home. It's still really neat because I've held off moving completely over there until tonight! I'll be waking up to a view of my Mt. Serendipachi!

The new place has a futon and old couch covered up with my old Irish Fleece. It looks like my coolest place ...mmm...It's almost orgasmic that I have this and the hot tub to sit with you under the naked sky!
The moon was almost talking to me tonight as I was feeling a real rush of energy especially after realizing that I do have the strength to tell off Lady Macbeth with anonymous post its on her delta chart. I just found out tonight that she has one of those almost welcoming staff to give input!

I'll talk to you more tomorrow ....I'll have to ask one of the secretaries, Wilma, to sneak those post its in her office when she's out ...McB will most likely realize that it's me but she can't hold it against me officially but it make shake her up a little bit.

Happy Birthday Alene and Phoebe!
Tomorrow will be the 18th. Phoebe would be 6. I often wonder what it would be like bringing her up as her father. I guess I blew it or the ole lady was the biggest cockblock to the relationship....another one of those coincidence...having the same birthday as Alene!...Oh well.

I am not feeling as good as yesterday especially after getting a formal reprimand in writing for the school radios being stolen from the portable. I have a feeling who actually stole it. They won't go after the kid or send the police to question him. He didn't show up on Friday! Trout and McB needed me as a scapegoat just as I predicted earlier. It's typical of most schools these days to go after teachers and not the students.

No punishment except suspension for the kids but go ahead and punish the victims for letting it be stolen. Things frequently get stolen in other classes. They can't keep a constant watch on everything unless we were to install cameras but they can't have that! The poorly written letter from Trout said that my classroom management needs to be evaluated! TDF! Marty sidetracked me by demanding to go to the office and opening up all the doors to the portable. I closed them but maybe I left it ajar. This was probably when the work study student took it. He probably took it when we were in the office.

They are obviously wanting to start a paper trail on me. No excuses. I'm getting help writing a grievance about the administration from a man that's had a lot of experience with all the principals that run through the rez like toilet paper.
I've developed a good friendship with Luba. She sees how the adminstration doesn't do anything but then they jump all over you when you make a mistake. She was saying how we both deal with the worst behaved students. We are doing the job that no one else wants but they don't seem to care.
Then the Borginator takes care of students who can't even talk and so she has time to stop in every class to find fault with every one else and go snitch to McB. Thomas considers her evil. She complained to Trout that he was scaring her students so he almost had an official reprimand.
She just seems like the typical power hungry young female that wants to cut down others to make herself look better. He calls her a FemiNazi. He's hilarious and he's becoming a really good friend. When I stop by he and his Lakota Su wife always feed me! They have some delicious home grown tomatoes!

I'll be seeing the doctor finally Wednesday and then picking up M from the airport. Tomorrow morning, I need to announce about how well our chess team did!

Lady McB was actually nice to me today! We had a short Professional development plan meeting that all teachers have about our plans for the year. Trout must have told her that I was going to see the union rep about being reprimanded for getting robbed! TDF! I was about to give all the stickums as far as what's wrong with the administration but then I backed out.

(I know that the above sounds hateful. I feel better now {10/25}. I talked to the rep and he was really helpful. He helped me write a letter so as not to get their skin up. It still really upsets though about the letter of reprimand for the walkie talkie being stolen from my classroom. I heard that there was no reprimand when it was taken from another sped teacher a couple of years ago. )

Tuesday 10/25 9:33
"Buffy and Muffy greet the guests in our quaint humble home. We go back and soak together in the warm metal tub warmed by the fire in the hole. We have a glass of wine while looking at the dark sky illuminated by the half moon and stars.We enjoy the country desert vibe together and assimilate the philosophy of the culture."

I wrote that about a month ago and it happened just like I imagined cept it was beer instead of wine ;) . We managed to have two wonderful sessions in our hot tub, Friday night and Saturday night! We even washed Buffy (she needed it bad!) in the very warm water. We put out the fire so we only had to deal with a minimal amount of smoke!

I miss her already but the feeling of her being here still lingers and keeps me happy. I feel that we well deserved this small bit of fun and relaxation!

some comments;
Leigh Ann said...
Where's Ms. M? Hope all is well, good flight, good company, splendid time guaranteed for all etc.
2:09 AM
garvald said...
great flight! and everything although it was late...It is wonderful to see her!
3:27 PM
Garvald said...
Hi LA! Lovin' the scenery here, and G is being so, well, Garvaldian. You'd love it here. The people are very peaceful, polite, and quiet. Pretty remote. The scenery makes up for that, though. I'll have pictures! Luv, M
2:15 PM


Sunday 133 pm, October 30th Happy Birthday Muffy

I only have five minutes before I go to the b'day party for my favorite custodians daughter and then there's a halloween carnival at the gym. I hope that we'll earn some money for our chess club. I'm glad that Jeff is around to help. I told him how he would be a cool administrator and I feel he would communicate with me as far as the discipline of the students. Instead, I'm far better off not sending any of my students to the principal. This would only empower them.

So many things have happened this week in the world and our school inluding a student taking his life.
We had a ceremony with the family Friday in the courtyard in front of the whole school to share the mourning. I am pleased with the way the principal handled the two days following the grim news.
In a way, I felt a sense of being part of the community in sharing the grief!
I am hoping that this will bring everyone more closer together instead of there being so much hate and contentiousness over petty things.

I'm glad that I wrote those letters!

Forgive the stream of conciousness:
October 31st, 11 pm; moody=unstable blood sugar with hypoglycemia adds to the feeling of depression
my gf just gets angry when her's is low and needs to be fed
boy I miss her or just the unbearable feeling of loneliness on Halloween
I stop by Dr. Tom and he says the community is so unfriendly. I wish that I could think of his phrase. His porch was all decorated and I told him that it would win the contest!
"What contest?"
"If there was one!"
I replied while he invited me inside after taking care of the many trick or treaters of all ages from all around the res. He fed me some delicious salmon on a toasted bun with tea. He always takes care of me and is the perfect host and confidant. It is nice that I can feel support from some folks!
We can also share who we need to watch out for in the pirranah like desire for some to take crucial steps in their quest for a high spot on the Utopachi pecking order. Then maybe even get promoted to EDC!

I know that I need to go to bed but the desire just to communicate to you for a few minutes. I see myself all caught up in this low and then forgetting about your love and constant companion through thick and thin, Buffy. I want to talk to you but fear you will call me retarded or worse. I worry that her leg twisted on the rope. Part of thinks that she'll be ok early in the morning and I can feel the sun come in across the mountains to see her tail wagging without any limp.
But then I think that I might need to take her to a vet and start worrying like a parent would over his child! I hold her in my lap as if she is my delicate child!
(she rolls her eyes while my enemies can't wait to cut and paste this to give evidence for a case of lunacy on the www.hereinreality.com website!)

She's sleeping now and I notice that I get into these moments of laziness when I'm only teaching this one student who doesn't want to learn.