Here goes this essay in the third person (very rough draft)
JAMES JOYCE AND GARVALD:
Garvald wants to be momentarily free of civilization, hiding his keys (taking his chances there), and then taking off upstream with only his torn up orange shorts with a black stripe, his goggles, and his sandals. No worries in the world except someone stealing his infinity. He walks and swims meeting little bands of flower children along the way. He ask them if they are registered and after sharing a few bongs with these friendly folk, he starts a chorus of,
"1,2, 3 FUCK BUSH! NOT ANOTHER 4 YEARS OF DISASTER!"
Everyone joins in on the 100 yards of beach at the bend of the creek's meander. There is a beautiful stretch of sand where there is a pedestrian bridge across the creek. He talks to them of starting a "collective consciousness".
"If all of us vote and form together a grass roots lobby we could be as strong as the NRA and candidates would then have to listen to our concerns for this country going down the tubes!
They would need to be accountable for how we are destroying beautiful places like this under the guise of progress. Everyone wants to enjoy the country without regard to how we are tearing it up with subdivisions and the golden temples that worship the McDonald's cow like it's part of Americana like it's "Apple Pie"!
Soon there will be suburbs everywhere eventually encroaching on this beautiful undeveloped paradise in the Ozarks!"
SO ONE, TWO, THREE, NO MORE BUSH!" (kept the kind you drink and the kind you eat)
Finally after being the social butterfly conversing with the tribes along the creek front property in all their assortments of tents on the beaches, Garvald finds his favorite beach after crossing over the second pedestrian bridge. This is the most idyllic beach with a wonderful rock to do your Olympic dives on. A beautiful shag maiden was practing her dives in front of the admiring beach pagans. Garvald was upset that he might have been too involved in intellectual discourse to see all of those dives of hers with almost perfect form. She had swum and dived in high school and maybe in college. He swam and played like a dolphin with her often working his hardest to keep up with her lithe form. After the frolic in the fountain of youth, she was glad to rub some lotion on his back and shaved head with the jealous members of her tribe becoming impatient with this behavior especially when she coyly put her feet out to be massaged. Before they were interrupted by the evil eyes of jealousy, she told him that she wants to do freelance photo journalism for his magazine that will be evolving from this website! (Muffy and many of the close minded readers might be rolling their eyes now at this literary license of Garvald)
He could not wait to swim in this spot where the creek was deep for about 50 yards. That was long enough for him to do some "Australian Crawl" sprints and get his heart rate up. Swimming is Garvald's way to stay in shape and be able to keep up with the sharks, rednecks and pagans. He was also hoping to impress the young rainbow shwaggers with his athleticism along with his very eccentric views on the world. These beautiful people were in total agreement with his Garvaldian ideas of life.
They all drank and smoked wacky tobaccy together. This alpha bloke from Arkansas with his tribe had a large cooler of "Pabst Blue Headaches" in their picnic site with the large beach umbrella. The cooler was staying cold in the spring fed water of this clear creek. Garvald's charm won them over enough to lend him the beers on credit. When he would swam back downstream to his car later, he would reimburse them. Garvald never walked away from "legitimate" debts!
He had no idea that he would earn his grog by treasure hunting underwater to find a poor bloke his glasses. Garvald soon realized who the chief and chieftess of this tribe were. He asked the leader if he had relations with his sister having come from Arkansas. They all laughed, especially the chieftess who later lasciviously put some lotion on his head and back. Garvald does enjoy being pampered even at the expense of jealous mates. He volunteered to entertain them with his dry humor and wit while serving as the friendly beertender.
In the middle of these 7 beers and a swimming sprint, Garvald saw these beautiful nude colonists walk across the bridge. He immediately takes off his orange shorts in midstroke to also be in his glory, in front of all the gods and godesses looking over from above. (hey, we're pagan and aren't they sometimes supposed to have many gods, like the Greeks and Romans?) Garvald makes friends with Crow and the tribe. Eventually the alpha couple from the Arkansas tribe take off their clothes and the beach reaches an ultimate state of undress, harmony and momentary bliss.
Meanwhile, Garvald is trying to find the glasses of the poor bloke who lost them in the deep pool when he was diving off the rocks. The bloke said he'd give him 20$ and Garvald said a little shwag would make him happy. Instead, he found a great knife that another guy wanted to buy for 10$. Garvald told the guy to give the tribe the 10$ bill and they could owe him the change in beers. The chieftess was cool, of course, with holding onto my money. Meanwhile, while becoming distracted with conversation with the nudists, another Ark. tribesman (Ill just say lieutenant) found those glasses and benefited from the reward. He found them even without the goggles! However, later, the Arks felt like they wanted more $$ and refused to give up the grog with the hillbilly lieutenant defiantly sitting on the cooler. The alpha leader said that Garvald owed another 7$! The greed of these people made him think of civilization and he proceeded to swim off downstream in disgust. Swimming and walking back to the other bridge, he met a few more tribes and friendly peace pipes. He hoped to meet the nudists again.
Eventually, by sunset, and floating downstream he came to the bridge and walked to his car parked all alone now in the forest but still overlooking this beautiful stream. He was so happy that his car was not gone and by then it was Sunday evening!
He is all alone and wonders how much partying might be left in him and any left over shwaggers.
Garvald grabs his matress pad, blanket and a water bottle in search of the party.
He makes new friends and they take care of him in his starvation mode giving him a good deal with pizza bread for a dollar and munching on candy bars (only when garvald is starving does he indulge himself in junk food!). He parks his matress folded over to ease his comfort while he goes into his narcoleptic state for most of the concert. He finds that the nice lady his age leaves him a pillow!
Afterwards, there were choices of many campfires to warm up and cuddle to. Garvald parks in one spot to listen to some great musicians. Ocassionally he is interupted by the lady who gave him the pillow when he looks like he might be too deeply involved in conversation with the musician or the pagan girl sitting next to him. Eventually, when he goes off for some water the smooth "colonel" with his beard longer than ZZ Top and Gandalf, moves in on the pagan girl that was conversing with Garvald and takes up his spot on the matress. Garvald was a little worried that the pillow lady was warning her about this strange bald man who looked like Mr. Clean. She as most women suspected the worst and gave the innocent pagan the suspicion that this man could be an axe murderer. So the pillow lady gives them both 2 chairs to sit in on the opposite side of the fire. Towards dawn a girl who is 6 foot and resembles Charlize Theron and her friend came to warm up by the fire.
Then the pillow lady, Charlize and a couple friends her age, and Garvald set out to see the sun rise over the trees in the valley by the bridge. Garvald was audtioning Charlize for his evolving screen play "Schwagatopia". She sang very beautifully and appeared to be an up and coming undiscovered talent with portfolio, intelligence, sense of humor, and acting ability. Garvald climbs the cliff with the "kids" and they see the deep cave hidden from the beach by the trees. Garvald asks her to start singing as her beautiful voice penetrates all of Schwagdom!
Now it is Monday and he is driving back to civilization where his cell phone might work. He gets a phone call from Muffy and she thinks he fooled around so it's over! Was it worth staying the extra day, Shwaggers?? Garvald thinks it is well worth having another day in paradise!