March 18, 2011, 2:41 PM
 probably the biggest thing that ive been thinking about is how to help my family the most ,…. At this point, I just want us to be safe, well fed and happy… the last challenge is of course the most difficult… I can swim in the most gorgeous blue ocean and then come home my better half crying… I get frustrated that time is passing us by without really enjoying life without all the drama…


In my many relationships of the past, when I love someone I would feel their pain…because I loved them so much… especially with Alene and I tried to save her… and couldn’t…

Im often just in a state of denial with so much pain in my life… when I face it and write about it, it helps me get past or underneath this painful wave…

To where the water is warm and clean clear blue and im looking at sun shine on my beach with such warmth…

And then just let myself be deluded (?) into thinking we have purpose on this life…

Maybe we can do something fantastic that we can be proud of…
 and then perhaps we could think the mental blocks are over??

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Please Lord, get my ass in gear so that I can focus on the future for our family!