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Showing posts from August, 2009
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ok... we are fighting depression...How do we deal with it??first of all we have to come to terms with the disability, accept it...and get in the zone of combatting the daily challenge of whatever "disability" we may havethat makes us worry??...fear of deathfear of not being lovedor of falling into and out of love...hmmm, now here I can at least go for a swim into the deep blue ocean...
there are boogie boarders and board surfers
all with black wet suits...so in my old shell I swim out there in my surf Mermaid Beach lifesaving speedos...
years of accumulated blubber my only insulationoh and a beardwith a little growth on the sides of my headI'm again one with the ocean regardless of how cold it gets...there is a bond with the waterwhere we opened up the small box of ashes of our parents' remains...thats probably one of the biggest fears..first Momand then Dad...my other soulmate left me and seeing her being buriedin the cold winter ground,
it all sinks deep into my memori…
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so what is the best revenge for people who hate you, despise you, disrespect you or just enjoy making your life miserable??

happiness :) and a healthy life...

just being around a little bit longer enjoying the view!!
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another day as the world turns around our Colin Murray!!
I shouldn't worry but that is only natural for parents...
we could be having so much fun but the worries of parenting can overwhelm a couple...
but how simple can I make our low carbon imprint lifestyle without both of us having nervous breakdowns...
mom in law is helping uis out while my honey gets stabilized...
my main vulnerability is the diapers
he will have a very poopy diaper when he wakes up at 530 am before dawn
when Mom IL leaves, I will have to get up..
maybe if I leave the curtain open so the light will wake me up..

he is almost standing up on his own now!! he puts his hand on my leg and then almost lets go for a second...
now he is opening up my suitcase with his ever curious mind...
each day is a new day to explore
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sometimes the selfishness or my own desire for pleasure takes hold
and with a couple of hours cycling or swimming
I momentarily forget the worries of fatherhood
then I come back and see my son
jump up and down with anticipation of seeing me
and how he listens to my every word..
he smiles and says Dada with such love and cuteness
it can be overwhelming the responsibility I have
but then I think that I just need to live one day at a time...
my main concern is a safe home for my family
and keep my family healthy
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"The sweater IS weird, but only because it has never fit you."

so if it fit, then it wouldn't be weird?? or if the glove fits??
"I watched HOARDERS and they attach sentimental value to objects to the point that it inhibits their inner growth."

u talking about me??
obviously ..
if so what inner growth could have happened had I let it??
a tumor?? don't need any inner growth
You know that u've watched hoarders (namely moi) and probably hated that part of me the most... oh well... gradually i get out of the orbit of senti mental junk that I've accumulated in the closets of my homes and my mind??? and wait to open up the closets when the time is right.. and would there be possibly be a best seller somewhere in all of these unedited essays that I've written in the past 5 years of blogging...

"They FEAR what will happen if they break the ritual. Try counting, breathing, and measuring the level of your anxiety as you put AWAY the sweater in a very careful,…

What would Jesus do??

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That's what a lot of so called "Christian" folks might say... fundamentalists/judgmentalists perhaps might say another cliche or 2 from the bible to rationalize their behavior...
What if Jesus was bipolar.. perhaps he might have had binges of "mania" to decide to spend 40 days and 40 nights in the desert and came up with some pretty heavy stuff and ideas !!
enough so that most of the New Testament is about him and his word...enough so that half the world believes or wants to believe in this bloke that is said to have walked on water and turned water into wine..
(Did you know that a variety of mind altering herbs were around that far back?? God only knows what plants he might have tasted in the desert...imagine Native Americans discovering Pejote in the desert and they often have connections with the spirits)
what about Ghandi??
he decided to shave his head and wear a white robe everywhere instead of the normal business suit of British India.. that was pretty radical…
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ok..Im not gonna retire my Mom's sweater...
I love her and want to believe she is my guardian angel...
she probably spent weeks gradually knitting it..
I believe her energy is still with the sweater..
So I will hang onto the sweater...
I might be more selective when I wear it..
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Ive been behaving like an old man lately... retiring at 8pm...it gets dark so early here on the coast...about 6pm... but then I wake up early at 2 am...I guess I should take the power nap after dinner for an hour and set the alarm for an hour...then do the writing and herbalizing with everyone in deep rems but myself!! even sip on just one beer.. anymore could agravate the gout I'm keeping in control by swimming and cycling everywhere... at least 2 good hard swims past the breaker and a couple of good body surfing waves to carry me in faster that Michael Phelps...
but so many gorgeous winter ?evenings!!

the realities of fatherhood are penetrating painfully but sometimes in a good way that I have to grow up to be this self actualized person that was always out of your paradigm??
I am trying so hard to help this family...it's taking oodles of effort and coordination to establish and maintain...(im afraid colin is sounding like he's about to awakr early..
I unfortunately woke up …
http://www.blogcatalog.com/topic/fuck+ups/

If you do a search for "fuck ups"
my blog comes up...

another tidbit of why new readers might come across my blog...
even my relatives might come across my writing with judgment...
and think we are both fuck ups
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it's another day in freakin freaky paradise
where even a freaky family can have a ball!!

I was watching "Jules and Jim", a French film about this menage a trois relationship of a woman in love with two men...
I loved the part where they find out that the folks of the village are gossiping about how weird the family with the child is...
so they all laugh about it and rehearse behaving like village idiots for when they make a trip into town again!!!

The movie was Francois Truffaut's first and very successful film
it was cool that this family didn't mind being a little different...

... nothing matches going outside for a breath of the ocean air..just knowing that you are mere meters away from this mass body of interconnecting liquid...it was your home in your ancestral past..that's why we as humans are always drawn to it...
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another nice visit getting Nimbinized... so I have to stay the night rather than getting stopped in the middle of the night for crossing over the median 12 times... like the Fuzz in Salem, Missouri , setting up their trips on all exits of Shwagstock!!
So i am back again to my little family on Mermaid Beach after getting a little space...
of course absence makes the heart grow fonder...
she misses me again and I miss her
as she gets better..
she's looking out the window with some apple juice

thanks for the nice email, Muffy! I'm glad I was out of town so I missed the first email and think you still hated me like so many other ex's...
but Im happy you have a sense of humor!!
eat carrots ;].... just kidding...
I don't have any walls...
could you say a large cardbox has walls??....
well, maybe you have some truth to your emails...
right now, I'm looking at the surf and seeing a wind surfer speeding up and down the surf over 30kms per hour...
Maybe I could have a question at the end…
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This is Mom's hand knitted sweater... beside one of the weirdest trees that's about 20 thousand years old!!
Imaginine being around since Oz was only inhabited by aborigines and things were much simpler!!

We have a very challenge ahead of us... and I'm up for it...just one day at a time!
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so here we are trying to fix ourselves in our once and future paradise..we all have a common goal for the family.. it is a lot of work...but I'mputting it out there for the universe for him/her/it or just this great energy that could be all around us to help us in this brief finite time on this minute geologic layer of earth's time...for the first time in my life another entity/soul depends on me...I'm finding others are not listening to me but our son is listening to every word I say almost as if he's comprehending me.. He must be an old soul...he looks at me with such intelligence and when he speaks he's definitely attempting to communicate something about the new universe he's discovering and exploring every day!!

Yesterday was the best day in a long while...

Ok...just after reading about toxic nostalgia in this book about "Emotional resilience", i have this canabized epiphany at 4am after feeding my baby Colin his bottles (he is hungry and we both hear him crying hoping he'll quit and we wonder whose turn it is or should we both go again in the middle of the night like we did before...I'm not enthusiastic about taking care of shit...but fortunately he's only wet and so it's much easier to clean him off..)I sneak out into the outdoor hallway after making sure bub is asleep still worried about others' qualms with the herb as they might judge a stoner the way they would judge a lazy bum who is making the choice not to work while begging for food and work on the exit sign of the highway...do we judge less harshly a cigarette and coffee addict ...we might think it's cool as long we don't have to breath the nicotine laced air....yeh all of us judge and no better or harsh a judge than a mother in law long h…
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Yet, happy I am that you are back in Oz. Confused I am though, about the fornacatory statements you made about work. Thought, I did, that you re beyond that four letter word, employment.
wow steve, since I missplaced(?) ur email I''ll write back on the blog that u've apparently been following it... it would have been nice to have connected on the phone or in person....but the window of opportunity was there to have our chance to escape again for a briefer time to my magical mermaid beach!! Mom in Law has to
go back to teaching really soon but I'm hoping that one more week under the circumstances to help angela and me get on track with parenting and especially my sweethearts very deep depressions..

Alaska is pretty much the same, and with Godzilla gone, a happier life it will be for me. Sometimes one must stand firm in the face the beast, and hold on. It bores the hell out of them. Wish, I do, for what you love to come true. ...the Witch of the Far NorthWe

maybe sometime yo…

"CASH UP"

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CASH UP (?)Apparently is one of the slang terms of the ever evolving Oz lingo...
for rich...or comfortable financially??...
they were both a little enebriated (a case (?) and some bud) when they were trying to explain the term to me ...my neighbors downstairs at Parthenon Place...(the place that would never have happened had I not broken into the old fibro two story boarding house...)
they know i don't work and only jet set back and forth between oz and the boring states of america...
so I sit down with my neighbors/mates late at night after my family has been long asleep and my thoughts are not interupted with pleas for something to do or cash...
"so what are u cashed up, Mate?"
"what??" I then in the herbal daze have to ask what they mean in American...
my neighbor replies in the very thick Queensland accent...
I ask him to respond slowly and so he speaks the almost perfect version of a yank accent that would do well even in Hollywood.
yep.... I understand... they thi…

UNFORGETTABLE FUCK UPS...

another day in my beloved Oz...
folks don't understand or definitely cannot understand mental illness or better termed emotionally unstable states of mind....
so I write to communicate to the audience out there of the present of the future...
who might wander across my blog....
bleeps out into the cybercesspool of gossip and hyperbole....
to come together into some possible belief that could be formulated into the
general consciousness of the present time...
will the echo evolve into a theory turned fact??
evolution, evolution, miracle...
or the big bang...
a sun burns out millions of light years before we will ever know it....
bleeps from other worlds surfing the light years in waves to arrive at another possible raft of life??
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Hey Steve! It's great to hear from you..
and happy birthday to my wonderful brother, Ron...
I would like to write some more and I have so many things to say but...
so little time...wishing that my thoughts could come out quicker on this blog to the universe...
what's it like when we have a new lease on life??
my family friend. Peter (husband of our godmother, Annette) has a blood clot and realizes the finity of life..
he spends time with all of his immediate family. savoring all the moments with them on this short time on or "spaceship earth" in this shell we call a body..
I talk with his father, Lem, a very young 89 year old and his touch with closeness to the boundary of unknown...
a heart surgery done when needed instead of being at the mercy of an incompetent slow health care system (what countries have a good health care system??)
I guess I give out too much info!!
fuck work...
fuck the mores of society about work...
it's a 4 letter word...
how long can I say
FU for doing a job under someone else's judgment of your performance!!
but ...
first time to herbalize
with hydro in a very long time...

wow..it's like I have the urge to write my thoughts but need for our family to undertand the need for this releas...
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Back in Oz!!..it's wonderful to be back in OZ!!
and that Mom in Law is helping us out at least for a few days
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this is the last time I'll be able to write on a stationary 'puter unless I bike over to the local Mermaid Beach library behind Pac' Fair...
I can't believe we'll be there in less than 24 hours!!..cept we'll totally skip Monday... No manic Monday (maybe I shouldnt kid about mania after our experiences...seriously) when we hop over the International date line......
well I guess we will be having a little monday ...perhaps ...except travelling west would help us go back in time until some where in the Pacific...the next day would completely disappear from our existence..
while everyone else in the world is going on with their business as usual on Monday..
think about it.. if someone left LA on 9/1o they could have missed 9/11 completely... scary thought...does anybody else out there think about this kinda shit??
LA: I saw maybe you read my blog yesterday?? Im sorry that I wont be around when you come for your extended family's reunion..
Isn't totally bizarre a…