Uncle Death takes a break!
"Give me a break!
They're even angry at Bush for not saying Christmas in his greeting cards this year!"
Don't get me started but I even want ex gfs out there to send some positive energy to my sick father. Please wish him help and make him happy in his last few year. I pray that he will be able to use his legs so he can still take walks on the beach and see that beautiful surf that's in his back yard. I only have the Serendipachi moutains in my back yard. Imagine if I eventually worked on the beach near Byron Bay with the beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean on one side and the Blue Mountains on the other side!
Muffy thinks I'm a cheap bastard
(asking if I pocketed the extra 2$ she left on top of my $9 tip at the table...she had to make a point of getting change just to piss me off and have the last word on a 60 dollar meal saying to everybody what a cheap bastard I am. So I want to save $2 after I already leave $9. I tell ya I don't get no rescpect from alceys at redneck pubs, angry students or administrators, angry testosteroned Btenders and Bitchy Btendresses taking out their hypoglycemic premenstrual rages on you!!@)
"You should pay for it since you only pay $200 in rent and the reservation pays all your utilities, you cheap bastard. Can you pay for my membership to this feminist spa?"
"Will you shut the fudge up??"
Marty writes for his writing assignment hating my voice as much as M, and Clay!
I sometimes I wonder how warped the thinking of those crooks in the caucasian house is, but it's no match for the thinking of a moody woman!
Of course darling and I'll pay for you to visit me in February but I won't give you my new cell phone number (just kidding)....at least until you let me spank you for being such a naughty and rude girl to your teacher!
mmmmmm.....buts its been so long again and I know now she's getting very near the nymphomanic part of her cycle....mmmmm...horny goat weed
and spin city!
Sky Rockets in flight afternoon delight while we are snowed in while her offspring are somewhere else
no worries mate!...
the fires going, I've had to find some wood and risk chopping with the sore shoulders, arms, wrists of a middle aged former athlete...
I'm turned on by the fact that she finally beats me in scrabble and she wants to Schtupp Herr Garvald so badly!
make up lovin.....
She looked so good in the video with her bright red gluteus maximus in full view and doing an erotic dance with the towel....mmmm
let me know if it's too racy and I'll do a Pg rated version of this essay and save the draft for later viewing on adult blogs...
Just kidding M!
Today is like the top one out of 100 or more days in such a long time, since finding out I really had a job
momentarily shutting up the obsessed radio lady who keeps saying to everyone to get a job while she cons them to buy advertising time on a nazikristian konservative station in Denver....
Muffy bristles at Garvald's mistaken adventure with an ugly woman inside and out brainwashed into rationalizing her own fundamentalist form of kristianity. As soon as G saw the faux church lady, his aging tool thought even a decade on a deserted island would only accentuate the withering ..hoping that it will eventually rescued by the Love boat!
she rolls her eyes,
"Now I'm not in the mood anymore!"
and the the sour Joan look turns into ultimate happiness as Garvald goes snorkeling below the surface!
I wondered last night if I ever would be happy like I have been before when everything seems to be falling into place. Maybe its the confidence from some adderall and the buzz from those delicious flax seed cookies she sent me, but I'm starting to think that maybe I have something going here in the Rez??!!
I was thinking for 3 hours in the tub on this record cold day in the wild, wild, bipolar west about what I would say to you,
wanting to share with you my happiness,
the natural high of life,
learning to grab the gusto of what few years of virile life I have
instead of just wallowing in the thoughts and fears of death and self pity
Roosevelt said, "The only thing man has to fear is fear itself"
Great leaders with charisma have lead countries through very difficult wars.
Lincoln and the civil war...Winston Churchill in WW2... all of them went through great sadness or fought of deep depressions. Roosevelt was a healthy good looking man humbled by polio and the paralysis of his legs, before he came out of it at first by helping other victims of the disease which in turn gave him the Little Orphan Annie attitude of unstoppable positive thinking!
"The sun'll come up Tomorrow!"
I feel the same way with all this death and attempted suicide it's to get very down
but then I wake up the next morning with a hug and cuddle from the Buffster, tuning into NPR and get my fix of the news...hearing how Bush and our might repukes go on about even Jewish presidents should send Christ mas cards for Crissake, Mate! just kidding...why not a merry Ghandi or smiling Buddha card. ...that ought to please the brainwashed folks that believe that Jesus founded this country! Don't get me started...I just had an argument with one of those imcompetent design fanatics telling me evolution is a religion and that I can't believe in God if I have that scientific belieF! www.hereinreality.com read the tagboard!
I have my fix of mocha (swiss miss and coffee) before
my 300 meter dash to my portable each am
taking in the sun shining on me each am...
it come over the horizon and shines on my backyard mountains even on this coldest of mornings in the fresh air while catching up to Ms. Liuba and her 100 meter walk! We chat briefly, I share my concern for Dad, and I know that I have friends here...
I feel the vibes having the best morning from Clay He's just won his fifth match this year, and he tells me about it while another rival school was cheering him on (it was a 3 way meet). My only student today.
(Of course, after lunch, he purposely(?) forgets his card so that he can flirt with the girls, be the center of attention and think that he can the 2nd TV dinner I owe him... he goes into his very predictable hypoglycemic rages parallel to the Muffster's Joan Crawford rages when I finally pull the plug on the puter since he refuses to get off.. He starts whining and complaining so I say he sounds like a girl, but I won't give into his spoiled brat syndrome. These kids go into these moods for a reason, often learned and then only accentuated by their low blood sugar!
On a good note, I write a speach about how my number one player took over the largest diagonal of the chess board beating the number 1 player from the Arizona team who had won the tournament with many shools in Gallup last month.! This is made during lunch so everyone in the cafeteria and courtyard can hear me. Several of the veteran chess players show up and we have the largest turnout of 7 players for practice. Two other players show that they might even be stronger than my new star. I'm pleased to know that we will depth and fierce competition for the top 5 spots on the team. I was excited even about giving them a lesson on algebraic notation as an efficient way to document their game while explaining the most basic opening.!
They then start eagerly playing 30 minute games with the clock!
and I'm feeling how serendipitous and synchronistic that just as this is happening a movie is just out on DVD who brings out the best in his chess players. It reminded Muffy so much of me and how I want to incorporate chess into these poor rural student's eyes...and from there they can alway have sight of the stars...
I can see how it can even help Clay think ahead in his wrestling matches!
and now Muffy, as I've changed my name, please be respectful of my own anonymity ....and besides this is all fictional!
Monday December 12th
I just hung up on M when she went into one of her rages when God forbid, I asked what her nice daughters plans are! Now the phone is ringing and I don't want to talk to the angry voice. I wish she would hear the way she snaps at what she perceives is my stupidity or lack of common sense. I try to see her side as much as possible and I like her older daughter but I know how M is tense when her children are around. Her daughter's boyfriend wants to camp out there and maybe he feels inconvenienced when I'm around so he keeps asking me when I'm leaving. He doesn't help around the house when he's there (Muffy thinks how dare a slob like me point that out!) and I'm a little frustrated that they lose the holy basil that I made a point of buying at the store for her daughter's anxiety.
It seems like society accepts a woman when she goes into rages. If a man does that he's considered unreasonable or crazy (Clay says that I sound like a girl) If I tell her I'm driving all this way to see her. She'll say,
"So what! You're too cheap to fly!"
Then I would be dependent on her vehicle when she goes into one of these rages while she's driving. I'll worry that we are approaching the forbidden week before Aunt Flo. Flo unfortunately won't arrive to the rescue until I'm long gone and hopefully back in NM on New Year's Day!
I am often depressed being alone but I can't take her anger and lack oif understanding. It only makes me feel even more alone when I'm sleeping on the couch downstairs after shes builds a fort in between us with her blankets. I go downstairs for fear of her going into a rage if I move and try to be comfortable on the bed I gave her from my mini Oklahoma apt. in KCK!
I'm wondering why I tolerate this and know that I had so much more loving understanding from Alene. It was unconditional love even stronger than my mother's. She'll be gone for 11 years coming up New Year's Eve. She was crying about Matt Dillon playing St. something of the Bronx just the night before. Matt was trying to help others and he gets murdered. I was trying to cheer her up saying that we have a home and each other. We weren't homeless and alone. She goes to the other side the next day.
It makes me realize how life is so short and why not try your best to help make others and yourself happy! She was worried about life being unfair and then she was upset about young high school girls on the ski trip to Colorado who she thought were making fun of her. I was again telling her not to worry about the opinion of immature girls who were probably just jealous of her beauty. So it made them feel higher on the beauty pecking order by cutting her down. Girls can be so much crueler than boys with the words or even their looks.
I realize how lucky I was to have been with Alene and I sometimes I feel that I was punished for taking such a wonderful woman for granted!
Wednesday December 19th, 06
It's a year later now. I wanted to mention a dream I had where the incredibly beautiful witch was staring at me from her new large home(that she has not yet even seen). Her hip caressing, wavy golden hair shimmered from the late evening sun reflecting on it. She was staring at me with disdain from the body length window in the middle of the stairway to her 2nd floor. She was in control (at least she thought). Her eyes were saying what are you doing here and that I'm happy without you in my life.
I woke up again after feeling her cold icy stare penetrating my heart but I was still happy (?) to see her again, if only in my dream. I hugged Buffy and decided to get up and enjoy the sun making sure to confirm several times that the TV showed Closed for our school district.
Why would I have this dream right after this beautiful Navaho princess that substitutes long term approached me about the students or?? ...her long dark hair flowed and later it dawned on me thoughts of her interest in moi (???)...she is married (?) with children but he could see easily stay another year or more if he let this fantasy become reality?? She would be the best cure for breaking this long depressing spell of the Ice Wiccan!