Dear Dad,

I love you so much! God, please help Dad recover and that his legs get in good shape. I want to see you in June and tell you about all the wonderful things that will be ahead in my life. I want Muffy to come with me too to see you. I will try to reach you tomorrow!

November 22
I only have 2 hours before I head back to the Okie Zone for some rest and relaxation!

November 26th
15 hours of driving with a stop off few a few hours and have Firestone put a new boot on cv axles (?) I am so mechanically disinclined! It's sure nice to see Muffy but dealing with her unstable blood sugar and her having to take care of her daugter's issues puts her on the high stress level!
It is a beautiful day today in KC and she wants to see me this evening so maybe I can hang around for a few more hours and start heading out this evening. I'll get into Okc maybe by evening??
It's funny being in the area of Westport for Sushi and a beer at the Buzzard Beach to see Chillicothe Dave, the resident philosopher of the dive. By coincidence, www.kcdrinkers.com, according to Dave, was here but they appeared to by gone when I sauntered over there. I tried to get attention from the upstairs bartender, Dennis and he seemed to reluctantly put out his hand in greeting. Oh well, was I was percieving the typical kind of welcome that I get from so many places and the thick negative vibes from M's daughter since she had moved back in to escape from the strictness of her father.

It seemed as usual the trip went south after M came back from work and not the loving girl that greeted me.
I suppose it doesnt help when her mother is dealing with the pent up animosity from her child.
It's so nice when her older daughter basically told her younger sister to get over it. This morning, knowing that I would be leaving, she actually offered me a couple of instant biscuit that she had left over.
I bought some natural herbs, holy millweed or something , to help stabilize the nice older sister's anxiety attacks that have suddenly come on for the first time in her life. I wonder if the onset of being away from her mother brings on some sort of seperation anxiety. We had a good chat last night and it helped me understand more the dynamics of the family. I think unstable blood sugar runs in the family and I hope this will help! If they make sure to take the much better and healthier alternative to zanax!

November 28th,
Thanksgiving has come and gone by the time I exhaled. 30 hours of driving total! ...down hill about a mile or so into the rich saturated oxygenated air and then back into the cold and snow starting the winter of discontent?? or??..There's a momentary state of euphoria, while soaking in the last warm day of native American summer at your home in the O zone...later having a beer with Charles, John and Tanya. I see how the social chairman is not missed when we all a able to get a word in edgewise! It's so nice to relax without him cutting you down to show everyone where his insecure spot on the neighborhood pecking order is! Boy just thinking about him interupting gets my blood pressure up and wondering if I'll ever motivate my emotionally disturbed student bully to learn and cooperate. He manipulates folks, even the career counselor for time on the computer. That is the only consequence I can give him! take away the puter privileges!

But all of this seems so petty when I'm realizing the finity of time especially how there could easily be less than 10 conversations left with him.
Dad, you talked me out of coming to Oz last year when I could have spent so much time there and visit you for a few times until you get sick of me the way M and many folk, especially the alcoholic mates at the pub!
Now I might need to take an emergency trip there for xmas . This would probably be the last xmas with you Dad so I need to seriously consider making the trip!
I was starting to choke up the way I was when I was walking with Buffy in the dark illuminated by the infinite stars on the way to my portable classroom. I was thinking that the last person that loves me unconditionally will be gone!
I wish that I could say that I was incredibly happy with M but I don't think that we ever could live together with the rages obviously caused by low blood sugar. I tolerate her anger the way she tolerates my stupidity "dumb ass"
when I can't find her pads and the lysol so that I can save her a trip from going upstairs. ( This disability is sometimes accentuated by the herb );
She screams her displeasure in front of the teenage kids holed upstairs in L's bedroom. I yell back at her trying to assert myself while getting a dirty look (of wishing the fat old man was dead look) from her darling daughter.
I realize, Dad, that you wouldn't understand how this sweet pretty girl
could easily compete with the fieriness of both Joan Collins and Crawford!

So, Dad, now you just had a mild heart attack that has prevented you from being able to move your legs. I am happy that your mind is still sharp. I'm happy that M was able to put us on 3 way so that you could hear her voice and converse another reader of your very deep (at least for moi) writing!
I want you to know that she at least loves me and I love her. You can probably tell that when you hear her voice. She has a pretty voice at least!

I'm finally able to get through to the hospital in Australia!

November 29th 11:30
I just wanted to talk to you for five minutes. I am sorry that you are out of breath and don't want me to see you until you feel better. I was hoping that I could see you and the other relatives for 2 weeks. But I guess you think that I might be going there for selfish reasons also just to relax in their summer and make the winter shorter?? Please God, I hope that you are alive and in good spirits when I see you in June. Maybe I can take a long trip for 3 months over the summer??
Muffy was angry with me also because I was calling so late and then she hung up when I was trying to figure what time of the month it was. She becomes mad when I repeat things she say, but she still doesn't understand that it is my way of processing it. So she says that she's not due for another 10 days so therefore it lasts around 28 days she must have had it before the full moon??
Grumpy pmsing (?) women or grumpy old men.
Dad says not to worry? Why worry Mate??
I guess I can relax and spend time in the okie zone and the KC zone and pray not to overextend my welcome anywhere. Where could a sometimes talkative ADD ole boy go to ramble with open ears??

9:30 November 30th,
Clay's IEP is tomorrow . I'm glad, Laurie, the Iep expert, will help me make sure the verbage is correct on all of it. My dillemma is developing some effective behavioral strategies and possibly being under the gun again by the shrink and McB (but the principal is quiet usually) and the Borginator is sick, so maybe we can have a productive non-contentious meeting. It's important that we talk about a plan to hold Clay accountable for his behavior and lack of work. It's veru frustrating that he refuses to read out loud. I need to time him as far as how well he reads in wpm and comprehension.
I will start reading to the kids more!
My other student, Marty, said I was going to die in two weeks and then mentioned it again even though I had one of the best learning days with him in a couple of weeks. I was happy that he seemed to be eager to learn and take part in finding out where his grade level in understanding vocabulary was.
They both have difficulty decoding words but Marty is so much easier to teach than Clay. He has maybe a one minute attention span.
I spent a couple of hours finishing up Clay's IEP. It's interesting putting so much focus on the education plan of a student for a year, yet hardly anyone will look at the 27 page book that is required because of so much litigation by greedy parents eager for financial settlement. I remember the one bipolar mother of that child on her warpath attending the meetings with her lawyer!
I told the powers that be that I did not want to be in the same room with this primadonna and her gifted spoiled brat. What kind of monster would be created by this Madamme Frankenstein??
Forgive me, but I digress!@

Thorsday 10:34 pm

Overall its been a good day except Dr. Stick (up her lower intestine) verbally attacking me about my point sheet for Clay. He and BettyLou were giving me a hard time about the other point sheet and they wouldn't buy into it, but BL is now doing a good job keeping track of all the points and adding them up on her adding machine like a great bookkeeper to help give credibility to his new "checking" account (to use to buy computer time, food and any other treats that the class currency can buy with negotiation) Clay finally seemed to buy into it and then said how wonderful Ms. Pancho's behavior plan was for Clay last year. I always hate getting compared to last year's teacher that I replaced and it seem to be the same ole nightmare as the one in KCK with some insecure woman with some degree up her butt, attacking something about me, the IEP or the behavior plan. She had herself set up next to Laurie with her little notepad to record everything almost like it was her little throne. I sat in between her spot and Laurie, while gradually the Borginator comes in, with renewed vigor back from her sickness (?) dressed up in her LL Bean vest almost looking like the Michelin man especially with her very short almost male haircut. Then she contradicted Laurie on some matter about career verses standard pathways even though L has so much experience over this other power hungry lady destined to move up the administrative ladder. So after the meeting, which went very well , despite these Machiavellian Malevolent Maddona's intent on their agenda, the Borg barks out a few orders to Laurie about helping me with S.A.S.I. Then she of course saunters over to the principal who fortunately wasn't there to judgementalize amd tell her the whole scoop. I feel much safer with the male assistant principal popping in and out rather than old and young felines with very sharp claws ready to go for the jugular with any chance at finding any little weakness. They feel justified in their quest which makes them more dangerous than George Bush with a Karl Rove script in front of him!

I just had some of my best writing just then and I erased it ! I feel great about Clay and that I'm bonding even more with him. I'm excited about him starting to make a real commitment for wrestling practice. He has more energy and he's less angry. He's more cooperative and was so polite in the meeting. He's very bright and can see that he go places if he starts really believing in himself. In the meeting, we decided that I'd be teaching him Algebra and actually the Borginator seemed to be making sense of what he needed next year.

Well, I need to get some sleep as our chess team will have it's first match against a tough team from Arizona.

Time flies by so quickly! and then we'll have 2 weeks off for XMAS!

Samstag 3:oo pm December 3rd

I didn't realize there was a parade this afternoon in town after the balloon festival. I caught the tail end of it when they were throwing out candy. Thanks for the bubble gum! It's kind a fun checking out the outdoor flea market in the windy cold but sunny day while negotiating with the vendors over food and trinkets. I hope M likes the turquoise thing (can't think of the name) made out of buffalo with a little silver feather. I thought a lot about what to get . I liked the peace pipe/tomahawk too! Maybe I'll get that someday!

Lately I haven't been believing in the magic here in the land of enchantment but then I still see so many coincidences that seem to parallet the celestine prophecies. I found out that they are making a movie about this new wave spirituality while blogging myself through boredom on a Friday night far away from any pub. 30 miles seems to far to drive risking my neck with very drunk natives on highway 666.

I think what if Marty was right about me dying in 2 weeks. He mentioned it twice that day after I heard that he wanted to end it himself last Friday. I've been thinking about him and all the hate that he has. My mind can't help but think about the troubled kids that ended their lives at Columbine. I told Trout about the threats (?) but nothing was done and the next day Marty wasn't feeling well or just sleepy so the office sent him home. By coincidence I saw Marty at the flea market with a couple and their baby. The man with long hair with almost caucasian features seemed to be young to be his dad. I noticed Marty coincidentally after talking a few minutes with the manager of the booth with all different kinds of native medicinal herbs to ward off evil and serve as medicine for a variety of ailments. I tasted a little of it and then I saw my student with his hood on the way all the kids wear these parkas. He was very surprised, not recognizing me with the sunglasses and my new native wool hat.

I wonder if there was a reason to see him especially after the peddler was talking about taking the tea and praying to ward off the evil spirits. (Muffy must be rolling her eyes that I'm even entertaining these thoughts of evil spirits. I know that I'm haunted by a few issues so I ought to go back there and get some tea! It could be a very good year or not. I'm excited about my other student going with the wrestling team to Utah and being invited to go to OZ! Then I'm very concerned about the other very troubled 17 year old.

I was happy with our match against St. Michael's of Arizona. The player I've been coaching beat their #1 player with some brilliant moves. His bishop stayed on the longest diaganol of the board backing up his queen before checkmating his king. I'm looking forward to announcing his sole victory for announcements at our school. The player that he beat won the tournament in town and has been competing in many tournaments in Arizona! We were missing 3 of our veteran players but this player takes his time with his moves and appears to be a much more effective stable player. Unfortunately he was a little too eager to check mate the #2 player in his 2nd match, forgetting that opponents pawn would take his queen. Always check and make sure you are safe before moving!

Sunday 12 pm Dec 4th

Only a few weeks left before I'm a half century old,still brooding over finally getting my teacher's license and it's only a provisional level 1 when I should be getting a level 2 with $5,000 more in pay! (Boy I was happy when I called Monday that they made a mistake! Did not all those extra years of teaching help and also they didn't certify me for all the science that I was qualified in. I'll need to call the state dept. during planning tomorrow after taking the Addaboy and my home insurance company. They are threatening to charge me rental rates but I have a room mate because I'm still legally living there. I'll tell them that I go home on weekends. It will be wonderful when I have the house paid off in a year so that I won't be at the insurance company's mercy. I'll increase the deductible to as high a rate as allowed since they only gave me $1,000 towards buying a new roof. That might be as high as 4k to do!!

Now I am bored as usual wondering how to kill my Sunday in the REZ?? Buffy is playing with her new toy, an old tennis ball found outside my portable. It was the only way to get her to come back to me, but she's having a great time running around with it around in the classroom!

In two weeks I'll be back in the Okie zone for holidays with a visit to M for xmas. She seems to get tired of my visits after about two days! Hopefully this time it might be the right time of the month?? It will be nice to see her and the older daughter that's nice to me. It will also be fun to party in Westport.

Tuesday

I'm extremely tired even with the different prescription of addaboy. Buffy runs off this am when I'm off to work. I know she won't come back to me and I don't wanna be late as that will be marked against me, so I go for a walk with the students to my place to find her. She's teasing the other dogs behind their fence and comes to my students. We are able to grab her and I put her in the kennel.

She tore up my Irish fleece last night when I went into town to see the Dr. about the prescription and my wrist. I wonder if it's sexual tension. She's acting more and more like an emotionally disturbed dog and the consequences I give her aren't working.

I'm taking off the comments on this essay since M keeps saying my name!....lata

1030 pm

Tough day with Clay. But I was teaching Marty and he was respectful for a change. Clay came back from Utah winning the tournament but with a very poor attitude towards doing any work at all. He was even threatening to quit wrestling. Then the TFA assistant coach wants to tell me that I'm pushing him too much about wrestling. This upsets me especially when this punk assistant less than half my age is trying to give me advice on my student. If it's not the Borginator, I have to deal with a friend of hers. They remind me of young brainwashed Republicans! The Tfa with something up his butt never says hello to me but wants to point out to me that I'm doing something wrong. He even comes all the way to the library just to check out how our meet with the other school in chess is going. I guess he was an only child!

Don't they realize that Clay wouldn't be on the team if I didn't pull strings because of his poor grades and blowing off appointments for physicals. I realize that wrestling is the best thing for him. Now he doesnt do any work and when I fail him, I'm sure that I will get the blame.

Now everybody is an advocate for students instead of learning tough love with these kids and setting boundaries. I' sure he'll have another temper tantrum like a little boy who doesn't get his way angry that I came down to the football field to talk to the coach. He has tantrums nearly every day about little things. Today he was angry at another student throwing a little hackie sack at him when I have a feeling he instigated it. He enjoys trying to get on my nerves but then gets upset when he has consequences. He's still very angry about the TV dinner I owe him. I told him that he won't get one until he has a good morning of work. I'm glad that he wrote about how angry he was at that other student. Maybe I have started to teach him to write when he's upset. He initiated the writing on his own and I think it helps him put all of his anger in perspecitve. (I hope that some of my angry ex gfs have done that so they might not hate me any more....she rolls her eyes)

On a good note, M told me that she finally took the computer away from her younger daughter's room. I'm glad that she's finally practicing some tough love on her! Maybe now she will make some progress with her behavior!

Wednesday December 7th, Pearl Harbor Day

I was just telling my students and happy to have a teachable moment (I was excited that Clay was actually reading about it out loud because he was interested, {the father of memory as Dad would say to me), about my father fighting against the Japanese in the Phillipines and meeting General Macarthur. My brother called while I was at ballroom dancing and it worries me because the last conversation I had with Dad was him not wanting me to come see him. Now I will worry all night but on the long 30 mile drive on Hway 666 into the lonely landscape, I was almost resigned to Dad being already gone (it's too hard to say the finality of death). Lately it seems so much around me and in the world. My students talking about it or even attempting to go over to the other side. Today they were playing the song about the other side. Clay was even mentioning that when he is drunk how easy it would be to end it. He thought that it was a brave thing or almost like it was something exciting to do. I told him that it's much braver to live and face growing older. It's exciting to to just know what will happen to the earth if this is the only conciousness that we have. Coincidentally, I was watching this movie about it with Robin Williams going to heaven and then to hell to rescue his wife who had committed suicide. I sure hope that Dad is alive but what if he passed away while I watching this movie last night! It sure would be nice to know there is heaven and then life would be worth so much more knowing that you would be having the chance to go to a much better place instead of the emptiness that his wife expected after their darling children died in a car accident. Today a student attempted to end it in one of the bathrooms. Fortunately some girls discovered her and the ambulance took her away.

I wonder if my older brother will be asking me to go to see Dad or go to his funeral. I wish that Dad would have wanted to see me. I had a whole year where I easily could have done that and each time he wouldn't allow me to go. ...or I just definitely didn't have his approval. He would talk to me like I was a child.

It was so hard to get respect from him, the students that I teach every year and especially I don't even get the respect from Muffy. Maybe I will be mistreated by folks all my life until I discover a way not to tolerate it anymore.

For some reason at this point I am calm about it or the finality of death has already put me into a funky kind of depression. I've been brooding about it and so maybe when it finally happens it is not bothering me as I would expect it to. But if I get that phone call tomorrow morning from Ron and he's gone, maybe then I will break down. Maybe the fact that I still have some of the medication still in my system from early this morning to help me cope with overwhelming thoughts. The adderal or the small portion of the pill does help me feel much more confident in dealing with everything (ie lesson plans, students, making the necessary phone calls, getting the xrays just to make sure I don't have any broken bone, etc)...

I've learned that I am a survivor and have used support systems before. Friends though few have helped me when I've asked for it and I've learned to live just one day at a time while not letting myself get overwhelmed with the future. I remember planning on devoting myself to my students to help them instead of dwelling on Alene's death. I would hang out at the Red Dog watching exotic dancers just to get my mind off of her ...to momentarily escape instead of going to the loneliness of my home and the empty bed that she shared with me for a third of the previous 13 years. She was not there to cuddle and comfort me anymore the way she did when Mom passed away. It's funny now that I'm letting tears well up in my eyes as a way for me to heal. I remember how I never tried to fight the tears ....the water droplets cleaned my eyes so that I would see better, become wiser and learn to accept fate...accepting things that I couldn't change, and learning to know which things I can change ....acquiring the wisdom to know the difference..I know that I can save some at risk kids from ending up as burdens on society or behind bars,,,just as I learn to know that many of my students will fall through the cracks ...I'm learning to know which battles to fight as a peaceful warrior..

Buffy looks at me so sweetly seeing her sad eyes and see that she is my gift from God and I cry again...she has done so much for me on these lonely nights and always there to cuddle ...never failing to cheer me up...no wonder dogs are man's best friends!

February 1, 2006

I prayed for Dad and now he is ok. His bday is coming up the same as my good friend, Elizar's son, Horacio is turning two! and feb 7th is the same as Charles, my neighbor in OKC!

It would be nice to actually know that there is another life.Someone else still very dear to me told me of her beliefs several years ago and I believed she really believes this.For me it appears to be a fantasy, but wouldn't it be great if we had another chance see our twin flame again when the circumstances are better or worse.It goes with my own evolving agnostic spirituality that really is a collective conciousness. Why else when you are thinking of a lover, they seem to always call you when you are about to call them? This lends credence to our own concious being connected to others whether it is positive or negative. Walking into a room full of negative vibes verses a roomfull of warmth. I want to believe that all this positive energy(reiki) could have reached my father in Australia. I need to call him and ask him if he felt anything. I want to believe that my dead wife is still talking to me while I search for that magical path in my own journey. I like to think of life as a dvd film and I want to fill it up with as many wonderful things just in case this is our only journey. Then we are in eternity watching this movie over and over. Maybe there will be the good memories that we can cherish when we are upstairs or downstairs?

November 4th,

What do I ultimately want out of life?

I suppose the ultimate I can do is make a positive impact somewhere where I feel needed and wanted.... when I'm waiting to see where I go just before I see my own body and others in the room looking at me from the perspective of the ceiling, I will feel proud of myself that I was able to make others happy and my future family happy. It would be nice to see them all around me .. just before I depart to see the loved ones that I've missed for so long.I'm sorry I'm getting verklempt. Tears are rolling down my cheeks now.

What gives my life meaning?

When I'm involved in a long term project that others will enjoy the fruits of as much as I do!If I had my life to live over, what would I do with it? I would cherish the moments with my family and loved ones that have gone. I would be more generous to others and of course be kinder to myself. I would have made the choice of having a family.

What ideals, if any, would I be willing to die for?

That's a very difficult answer. I suppose if I found out that I had children it would be for them. I have yet to experience the unconditional love a parent would have for his/her blood.What would bring me more happiness than anything else in the world?Probably living with a family that I could call mine and ours. I suppose living with the perfect mate and mother where both of us would enjoy growing together with our family...that would be the ultimate. I would love to live in a utopian community where we could walk everywhere and folks were friendly. Is that too much to ask?

this poem is from an anonymous blogger:

I wonder if she helped Dad live just a little bit longer??

"gypsy magic, gypsy soulgypsy fortunes, gypsy goldgypsy mystery, gypsy moongypsy luck comes our way soon!"

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Please Lord, get my ass in gear so that I can focus on the future for our family!