The table was never round... there are still plenty of sharp edges!

Monday 11pm

Watching the wrinkles gather as your skin dehydrates under the dry Navaho sun. You wonder where your life is going at the moment not feeling fulfilled as the image of this utopia or round table of noble teachers is slowly sapped away. You are still so much more impressed with the hearts and minds of so many here including the principal that want to do so much for these kids.
You are disheartened that you think that you could be overwhelmed with the competition that can keep up with all this Baldridge philosophy that is almost a religion forced on these teachers to produce results! No child left Behind has put on the pressure for there to be results even in very depressed Navaho reservations!

I need to make it a point of at least writing to you for a few minutes each night before I get caught up with my favorite soap opera of characters that live on the hereinreality tagboard waiting to cut and paste from my site again.
I think about these disturbed individuals that frequent this site might have a different type of neuroses
than the alcoholics that visit their neighborhood pub too afraid to be alone...
so they make friends with other lonely folks while they drink their way to their eventual oblivion.
(woh..thats pretty deep.. ;)
These tagboard nerds have no real friends so they pretend they do ... they think that they might be doing some good in their self righteous desire to be heard...

Buffy is looking at me now wondering when I'll walk her to our home in the teacherridge (not sure of the spelling??) It's only 2 tenths of a mile away. I sometimes feel the intimacy of the other teachers here 30 miles away from a city. We share our lives in this small community. When we are at these workshops to help improve we start feeling a camaraderie as we all share a potluck lunch. I feel the positive vibes from others that are new here, especially from foreign countries all alone like me. Then there are the friendly veterans but there are a few TFA teachers that were probably overachieving little snots spoiled by their parents. Maybe they will or will not get rid of what ever it is that is stuck up their ass. Maybe they might not feel that you are worthy when you barely get a grunt from them when you greet them...maybe you are not even close to their intelligence or high academic achievement to be worthy of their attention....oh well ...no worries mate!

I then think that there are single folks that eventually become even more neurotic in certain ways as they learn to have different ways of coping with the loneliness..
I'd like to continue this some more...

Wednesday 5:46 pm :)

I'm in town tonight at the local library before ballroom dancing. It seems like I'm getting more hits since I've been writing a little more. No worries, M. I'll always have the chance to edit the run on sentences later!

It's amazing after having a good chat with sympathetic ears and a chance to sleep, how everything seems and feels so much better. We had our first frost and it was hard for Buffy to wake up. She is so cute curled up beside my bed each day as the morning light streams into the bedroom while waking up to hearing about earthquakes on NPR.
I'm going to try finish moving this weekend into my new place across the cul de sac. It has such a beautiful view of my backyard mountain! I will see the sun shining on her while I drink my extra creamy mocha swiss miss blend. Seeing her sure helps wipe away the depressing thoughts that I might have gone to sleep to!

I was happy when the lady from the main office (the IEP expert) was so helpful. She reassured me that I would have the necessary help. It was just nice to know that I could relax again. Last night I was still brooding about the principal admonishing me about the first IEP. The much more empathetic IEP lady understood how IEPs from one state can differ so much! She realized that 27 pages can be so intimidating. The district had to make it so long to cover their assets after so many lawsuits.

My other student was back from suspension and vacation actually eager to learn about turning decimals into fractions and vice-versa. I was actually teaching Betty Lou too, so she could teach him too! That made me feel productive and she is on her way to getting her teaching degree!

I could tolerate Marty's (changed the name) disrespect as his way of bonding with me. I am much happier teaching him than the other student who be will suspended for a substantial time period. It was like pulling teeth for him to be even on task for 20 minutes for a whole day!!
Marty, however, was on task and learning the majority of my 2 90 minute blocks with him. I am teaching him math, English, World History, social skills and a little science each weeks. I have to plan out the week so that he will have a chance to be exposed to all the core courses.
Then I'm thinking about the behavior that I tolerate . I'm still learning which behaviors to tolerate and where to pick the battles knowing that I often won't be supported by the administration. They don't seem to be on the same page as me and don't even seem to want to communicate with me about the consequences or suspensions. I seem to be more out of clue than at other schools. I will realize to bide my time and figure out when would be the best time to adress it. I should at least document it to protect my own assets. (I was happy that my assistant, Betty Lou, seems to be on my side for a change and she said how the IEP expert has more pull than they do especially in the special ed department!)....

So back to Marty. He's hanging out on the ramp of the portable, he spits in my direction half way towards me. I'm about 30 feet away. I don't react.

I walk back to the other classroom in the building and tell him,
" You have one minute to follow me to the other classroom or I will write you up! "

He must have realized that I meant business and
He angrily follows me to vacant classroom where he learns about Alexander and Alexandria. He looks for the answers to the questions about the facts of history in the colorfully illustrated text book that is at a comfortable but challenging level for him to read.
He does his science work and his English work without complaint when we go back to the portable. He visits with one of his mates from work study but he still does his grammar understanding punctuation and commas.
In the meantime, he shows off to the other student pretending like he was spitting in my one gallon jug of drinking water. But later, I noticed that there was saliva on the rim. I figure that the microwave will kill any bacteria. Why worry, Mate??
I think about having him write about some of this gross behavior tomorrow for a writing and social skills assignment. Letting him be more aware of his behavior might help put some of it in check. He often does things to get a rise out of me...Pretending like he's giving me the finger but disguising his hand behind the sleeve so he thinks that I will think it's the middle finger. I don't react. I wonder if the 22 year old TFA puppy that runs the academy next door would still be too young to blow a blood vessel in his forehead if the students behaved that way to him?? ;) rofl.

11:07
procrastination before talkin with M,
Buffy is right here putting her head on my knees, this cold evening in my portable classroom while I visit with you for a few minutes before I call M. She's been busy with college and kickin ass at her new apt job!@
In the meantime, I was having fantasies of having a party with all my ex gf's, Muffy and Alene.
I would either be physically or verbally crucified (or both) or Alene would keep all of them off of me as best as she could. I think Muffy would get in some real good kicks to the groin area!

7:35 pm Thursday the thurteenth;
Seems like I can't seem to get out of the lonely doldrums being alone and that kind of puts me into a feeling of being down even more when more shit happens! I just took a nap while falling asleep to one of my favorite times of the day; NBC. I was thinking that it would be recorded!

A month ago I was so excited and then I see myself getting into the same old patterns at school. Maybe I bond well with Clay but then Marty's rudeness gets so tiresome especially when I don't feel that I have the support of the administration! Marty wants to visit the principal when he acts almost as if it's a reward because he feels that the assistant principal backs him up more than me. I think why bother with any consequences. I will be glad when I have my own printer hooked up so that I can write the necessary letters!
I need to make a list. Forgive all this perseverating but sometimes I feel that I should let it all hang out and really get mad and start getting things done.

I think that I had the most power as a teacher when I was in Wewoka when I knew that I had the full support of the principal getting the class back in order.
I will write this over but really I'm writing now almost as the morning diaries for creative writing. I feel frustrated almost because my wings are clipped??
Then I think what is the best approach. Maybe I can hold off all these battles until I've actually had a visit with the Dr. to prescribe adderall. I would feel not so overwhelmed that I often do about sometimes even doing the simplest things like grading papers.
Looking on the bright side of things, I feel that I have the backing of Betty Lou. It's continual ups and downs with this job. It sure would be nice to have an understanding and supportive woman to come home to that would listen without judgement.
I almost had that feeling that I would be able to do this when I had the positive support from the IEP lady from town. (this writing is a very rough draft that I suppose will eventually be edited maybe after I get the prescription for adderall) I remember how much better I feel even when I just take even a few of these minute beads of magic.
" I know what that sounds like to you but I won't even go there just yet. At least until you've heard me out!"
Ok bottom line; the radio assigned to my classroom was stolen. I went with security to my portable realizing that my radio could be gone!

Lady Macbeth blew a gasket!
"This has never happened in all my 39 years of being a professional educator!"

The security guard and I hear her rant. I tell her that it was left on. My stupid thinking was that I was supposed to leave it on. This only would tempt the thieves more! I wonder who it could have been because I'm pretty sure that I locked the room everytime I left. I thought that I saw it this afternoon. I guess it will be one of the mysteries, or maybe when we all have a staff meeting with Mr. Trout,(our assistant boss) we can find the criminal!

Apparently he was calling Mr. Trout a bitch among other cuss words on the radio. Maybe, if we are lucky, he was calling from the bus with other witnesses watching him say mean things to Trout.

It sounds like I will be the scapegoat. I'm glad the union is visiting next Thursday!
I could go into more detail but I almost feel as frustrated or tired as Buffy when she resigns herself to the floor of the classroom!
lata mate...

The Borginator! Saturday,8:26. guess I should be partying :(

I dont feel very eloquent at the moment and give you a rating of being blase as compared to last night. I realize that many of these symptoms are from maybe hypoglycemia mixed in with the ADD blues! I think about whether I can get out of this funk and realize just as Muffy does that the "important link(?) for everything else falling into the place, is the addaboy!"

"M, I made the phone calls and will go there even though the only Dr. clinic in the small city is way west and at least 30 miles way. They were supposed to call me back and I waited while cutting and pasting on the tagboard about all the fox lies during the 2000 elections. So I need to escape away from the in service to make the necessary calls again Monday and set up a time to get that very long overdue refill of addaboy. I almost feel guilty mentioning for fear of the stigma from those redneck judgementalists that ocassionally live off making fun of the weird bloke at the end of the bar!"
{Just like Shatnerd made fun of me coaching Chess in this tournament today! He went on and on again how chess nerds never get laid. Actually he's right for the last couple of months. I haven't been pursuing anything knowing my M will be visiting in less than a week to keep me company in this lonely teacherridge.}
So alot has happened in the past couple days. Maybe I should number them??

1. Our undefeating team without any touchdowns finally beat the other undefeating team. 24-16! I had a feeling the jinx would be broken this time because of several factors:
a. Two young teachers decided to start a team and doing some serious fund raising (esp. during the game) gave rebirth to a cheerleading sqad that had vaporized a couple of years ago.
b. It was homecoming. The kids and the staff wanted blood!
c. The parade with all the cool floats boosted the low self esteem of the res.
d. The serendepitous fact that with the colder weather, I had to wear the world wildlife federation black sweat shirt that Alene got for me more than a decade ago. I can't even remember wearing so it still looked new. I thought what would be the chances of me wearing the symbol for this community at the base of Serendipachi Mountain where these felines still roam??
The mountain lion is roaring with the desire to survive the elements. The lion goes into his survival mode knowing that his endangered species will die out like his distant cousin, the Saber tooth, if he doesn't get his shit together and get some meat for his catmate and family
and in their intimate mountain cave!
So maybe it was my destiny to come here and meld into this community...to fight off all the self doubts and the negative vibes from Lady Macbeth and the futility of resisting the Borg lady.

2. ok...So Garvald, the cheerleading coaches, and the nice couple who are helping G with the horse trough hot tub all celebrated at the cool funky art teacher's warm intimate home.
The cheerladies were so excited at their new sqad. These girls and two boys seemed to really invigorate the players and the crowd. They ran all along the track. They were such a welcome change from the run of the mill children of the corn stepford cheerleaders that you see at most upper middle class suburban football games. They even said many of their chants in Navaho!

One of the cheerladies, Wanda, really made my evening by bringing up the "Borginator" quest to take over the school and and schmooze up to the principal. Everyone at the intimate party noticed how power hungry this young lady was. It made me realize that it wasn't only me that noticed this young woman's sudden rise to power this last fortnight immediately after Molly's young boy was born. Its almost like she metamorphized into this Borg lady. I was so relieved when this new thorn in my career was also a pain in the ass to the others. Wanda and even her fiance did wonderful impressions of her ...the way she walked, talked and nodded. We all cracked up and the worries were diminished significantly!! :)...
It's funny how I feel so much better when I write..It puts so many things into perspective! That's why, I finally get into the groove helped out with the addaboy fire lighter, writing will be such an effective tool to help my kids.

3. I was very excited today that my 4 chess players showed up in town among all the youth festivities and excitement going on in the streets that were sectioned off for the parade that I missed. I met them on the street by the coffee shop almost not expecting them the way St. Murphy had taken over these last two weeks. Finally I have something to write home about or least get some brownie points with the today's success from Lady Macbeth. ( I even helped her out at the game trying to get all the spectators away from the fence during the halftime. She even looked at me like I couldn't even do that with her foggy glasses that amplify her eyes.... and so she of course yelled at me. I should have just stayed sitting on the bench with Mark and his wife. I looked at him after her bark. He laughed sympathetically knowing that I was on the village queen's shit list.)

5. Today, the newspaper editor was interviewing our players. They were very quiet in their responses. He was kidding with them and they laughed.
"You'll have to learn to talk more about why you like chess if you ever expect to be on Lettermen when you become national champions!"
Then there was a photographer taking pictures of them while waiting for them to make a move. I'm looking forward to seeing the paper tomorrow (?) and seeing the spread about the whole festival. The journalist with a NY accent was wanting to see chess get more recognition. He and so many others were mirroring my thoughts that I've had for so long on how chess is so good for academics and that they don't get enough respect...ie.


chess nerd: no worries, more intelligent ladies play chess
chess nerd: thanks mates! a little more productive than the nerds that live on this board..lata mates!
In The News: o'doodler wouldn't have any shot of getting a classy woman, just loose skanks. flol!
In The News: I guess if you are inept yourself, then you tend to defend all ineptitude. flol! The inept doodler who thinks women like him. tdf!!!!!!!
In The News: Yet, o'doodles defends them to the end. tdf! The defender of ineptitude!
In The News: Yet, o'doodles defend them to the end. tdf! The defender of ineptitude!
In The News: Novak said his sources were two senior administration officials. Rove spoke to Novak about Wilson's wife and is apparently one of Novak's sources. The other is still a public mystery. Novak is believed to have cooperated with Fitzgerald's investigation, though he has declined to comment.
In The News: Rove spent about four and a half hours inside the federal courthouse, and left without commenting to reporters.
In The News: Prosecutors had warned Rove before his latest grand jury appearance that there is no guarantee he will not be indicted.
Shat-Nerd: I knock liberals because I hate their courage.
Shat-Nerd: I make out like I am a chick magnet, but in reality, I'm a nerd who claims to be a libertarian.
Shat-Nerd: You all see where I spend my weekends? Who's the geek?
Chess Coach! TDF!: [LINK]
Chess Coach! TDF!: check out the link. [LINK]
Chess Coach! TDF!: [LINK]
Chess Coach! TDF!: there are no cry babies in chess, did bobby fisher cry? did kasparov cry? Did geri cry? (geri's game - from pixar an amazing and award winning 3D animated doodle) Well did they?
Chess Coach! TDF!: bobby, i want to see you take all those pieces off the board anb set it up over again..you have to be quicker...hustle boy...faster faster faster....these are time trials boy!
Chess Coach! TDF!: ok dorks, nerds, losers and other social outcasts today I am going to teach you the basic fundamentals of how to not get laid and never be invited to any cool parties.....keep playing chess! TDF! hustle hustle hustle...you only have so much time! TDF!
Chess Coach! TDF!: hey coach, my arm hurts....get out there and move that queen boy..there is no pain in chess....hustle hustle hustle! Suck it up.....get your thumb out of your ass and destroy that bishop! I have seen girls throw a rook better than that! TDF! chess coach!
Chess Coach! TDF!: ....Then later on today g will meet up with his single troll friends at the local fantasy action comic store for a thrilling 3 hour game af Magic The Gathering and discuss the finer points of Nerf Nerding and spell casting with a level 3 wizard....TDF!
Chess Coach! TDF!: coach my chess players.... TDF!...NERD ALERT!
g: lata mates, off to coach my chess players in this tournament! may all you open minded and closed minded neocons have a great day!
g: so they will never believe their leaders are crooks even when they see their hands in the cookie jars. Theyll think its a liberal spin and doctored videos! TDF!
g: FBl=federal bureau of lies- when closeminded folks over half a millenium ago would never believe the earth was round even if they were staring at the round earth from space!

But back to moments of serendipitous synchronicity or deja vu(?) when you feel things will happen almost the way you imagined they would.
In the recent past you often imagined seeing people that made an impression on you..you will probably see them again as you see your life on the metaphoric DVD pass before your eyes before you float to the other side.
You occasionally rewound those images and wondered if you would see them on the street or visiting the coffee shop when you thought about your new adventure. You see the counselor that interviewed you from another school and her husband(?) the assistant principal but they look and respond coldly without any warmth or smiles (not quite the way you imagined).
But then you see the TFA teacher who always smiled at you warmly before and remember how her smile always warmed your heart. You think of one of the new English teachers at your school (she recently replaced the other teacher, a casualty of the land's loneliness after only two weeks. Now he's working in the health food store happier I think but he has those deep soul penetrating eyes that makes you wonder). She and her friends stop by the shop for coffee and greet you briefly.
One of the cute ethnic ladies from Ballroom dance walks by the shop and disappears. It was almost serendipitous or psychic. You thought of them and then they appeared.
It was more amazing than ever about a morning that you just feel is going almost like you imagined it would go.
She rolls her eyes,
"Man, you are weird!"
p,p,p.

! [LINK]

Here's a blog of one of my readers. I'm flattered that you read some of my journal!

http://www.mindspring.com/~dbholzel/1001

"One stumbling block to creative self expression is the fear of making a mistake. There are no mistakes. There is only trial and error, growth and expansion"

except when it's a relationship and the mother in law hates you!





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Please Lord, get my ass in gear so that I can focus on the future for our family!