I am enjoying my time with her while she takes a nap. I only have a month before I go back to work and my mind needs to go into that reality. I have to call my father while some of my judgemental readers think my dad hates me. Sometimes, it is just tolerating myself and I know my differences were only cute to Alene. I want to talk about my deepest feelings to you but sometimes I think that only a few out there might understand. I have these dreams of writing this book and making this incredibly funny, yet serious dogumentary. But I know that realistically, my most immediate hope is that I have a succesful year working in a new place and culture. I want to immerse myself in this rebirth of my other career that puts bread on the metaphoric table.
I went to the farmers market before noon with M's temper on a short leash as far as me when I have a little buzz... this only agravates her own intolerance for my stupidity in public waiting and worrying about every every word that might be misinterpreted by strangers.
I wish that LA would help me get the counter back just to satisfy the curiosity about how many might be interested in this crap esp the obsessed internet junkies from the www.hereinreality.com tag board.
Wow!.. what a bunch of characters obsessed with their own soap opera full of computer nerds and pervs, two sides of this country more polarized than ever since the Civil War, continually berating each other with glee and selfrighteous zealotry.
I wish that I could slow down time like so many people wish they could. I often have the anxiety that it will be the last summer of fun before I turn 50. People were a lot older at 50 when I was growing up and remember Dad being 50 and that generation was so far off from me. I almost felt that there was so much time to really enjoy life and be happy.
How often do we look back at our happiest moments wondering if we will be so happy again?
Occasionally, we might be envious of some one else's life and wishing that you could share it with her or the family that you were briefly a part of?
I have been much happier than I have been in a few years since I fell so deeply in love trying to appreciate every moment of joy afraid to think or even go the idea that it might end. I felt more a part of a family then but the anxiety and responsibility of committing myself to this family overwhelmed me. It was so much easier but oh so depressing for the only worry about how I might take care of myself.
Impulsively taking on a puppy matured me but at the same time she brought out my child when I saw every day a whole new day when Buffy would be running with glee and excitement at this new spring day blooming all around her in my grassy backyard jungle.
Seeing her run with her sharpe chow jowels flapping up and down almost making it look like she was so happy when naturally her jowels make such a sad looking puppy.
The natural sadness composed by God, makes every other beautiful maiden want to breast feed her from their mammary glands. Buffy just makes herself at home in the delicious lap of the nurturing future mother. Buffy gives a sigh of contentment in her arms.
she rolls her eyes at where Garvald lets his mind wander to such lustful thoughts... "sick"
Seriously, to suddenly have a loving animal that would take so much of the focus off of your morbid thoughts worked far better than some man made pharmaceutical to fuck with your chemicals in your body and possibly even affect your love life. Why risk all that when all you need is a gorgeous canine to bring you out of the repressive Republican regime in the heart of JesusLand.??
The impulsive idea of escaping with your family, Garvald and Buffy, to see all the possibilities of where you might enjoy settling becomes a better alternative. You feel that anywhere is better than the stupefying stigmafying stenchdefying angry humid hot air of stifling stinking rednecks.
Others might wonder where his days go and how this man has too much time on his hand.
Right now he's in this Lance limbo wishing that he could do what Lance did and end up happily ever after with this gorgeous Rock Star he might listen to while hustling up the Rockies ..his idol was training to prove to be one of or the greatest athletes and survivors of mankind.
"a beer buzz early in the morning"
He imagines waking up to Cheryl's tight little rock starlet body all over his bionic body. He is her superman, invulnerable to cancer.
all of his discipline has paid off and now he can relax and temporarily rest on his laurels before he decides to run for office.
Imagine if he put his incredible discipline into reforming the government and kick the ass of the current cancer that is destroying this government!
Ms. Crowe is the first Lady...hmmmm..
While on this fortnight buzz of Lance and Shagstock, Garvald has to get back to the reality of survival and working for a living. All of those things that he has been escaping from, he needs to look into their eyes without fear, handle these demons, these minor and major challenges that are obstacles in the way of accomplishing his own Tour de Garvald.
He needs to know he could handle these hills and the flatlands, learning to cruise to regather his breath, nourishment and sustenance physically and spritually all around him.
Well I realized that I still need to do much editing but getting a job maybe has created a dose of reality that temporarily put the idea of this blog/book/dog umentary on limbo...
While I drink another cup of coffee and chocholate ice cream while waiting for M to come home from her first day of work after all my sexual healing (too much info??),,,I need to surprise her by washing the dishes so I can work for board and not be a freeloader as female leeches might use that term derogatorily while being obsessed with their imaginary life on the internet
...as Rove turns over on the roast
Maybe one of the profound feelings of happiness is able to be able to turn down a principal in Okc. I almost have a hard time saying no to folks or just learning to be in command of my own life and my career.
Today is another boring day at least M and I are able to share the same politics while she learns to be an independent woman relieved to abdicate the responsibilities to her daughter's father.
I am amazed at this woman's resilience and ability to survive. Now she has her whole life ahead of her to pursue her career!
She was dressing up for a job interview this morning and she looked so business like yet so sexy I just wanted to stupp her then and there instead of giving her a taste of whats more to come. She could look and be an executive or female wonder woman lawyer! When she puts herself to a goal, I see how she can realize it especially the way she tackled the monumental mess in my Okie settlement.
I need to get out and enjoy the summer and away from the computer. It drags you in like the boob tube!
It was cool seeing some warm friendly faces at the Buzzard Beach in Westport, smiling Dave, another man whos wife just kicked cancers ass and her hair is growing in fully. Seeing all of these warm benchmarks almost like its a neighborhood bar like The Rooster is at the edge of the Paseo in Okc. (Buzzard Beach is cool but wouldnt allow puppies like the Rooster does).
I loved meeting the chess players again down at the Westport FleaMarket. My ass was kicked while I was downing two of their famous greasy cheese burgers cooked with onions. The best thing about the meal were the onions and fresh slices of tomatoes mixed in with the burger and ketchup. I need to avoid these foods and have my cholesterol checked to make sure it's still below 200.
I am looking forward to helping students with chess as a way to help them focus better especially if they become emotional and have ADHD. They will learn proper sportsmanship. The school is the best in the state in chess!
Lance is winning the tour. I will miss him next summer, but I need to get out to cooler places. This heat is stifling in KC.
Thursday 1254 am (I will edit this run on sentence for Muffy)
I was feeling tired but then the frustration turns into anger. Why I should let the many moods of a woman bother my own happiness or temporary state of bliss before the anxiety rolls in? I know that I have to take care of a lot of things before school starts. M respects me more, but I feel like she was especially tired of me today. I was so happy when she told me that she has good rapport with her boss's boss. The manager wants to get ideas from her about what would help the apartment complex. I wanted to give her a compliment but she didn't want to listen to me.
Its my own fault that I am not making my own fun yet I'm selfishly hoping that she will entertain me because it's her town. I temporarily adopted this town and missed it far more than OKC. The folks around KC seem so much more friendly than the superficial pseudo Christian shallow friendliness of OKC.
I need to learn better about her cycles or follow the calendar so I might plan my itinerary to avoid her in these negative line inducing periods of accelerating anger.
She almost jokes that it could be as much as 10 days before Aunt Flo when her moodiness accelerates where you feel she is on edge and intimidated into not even talking or she will blow a gasket.
I try to talk to her about how we can get along with my ADD and her own compulsion to be in control. Since I am passive I am very willing to let her have the remote and my wardrobe ( what she is willing to let me be seen in public wearing; at least a well dressed middle aged bald bum attire). She gets very mad when I tell her not to nag me about my Buffy about food, water, or jumping on the neighbors car when she greets them. I feel that I should not let someone else decide how I should parent my dog. Women do it more than men with the exception of my neighborhood social chairman when his puppy is out of control. Its amazing how we treat these dogs as our children.
Im feeling tired but I might visit these crazy freaks on the www.hereinreality.com tagboard for a few minutes
lata mates ;)
My little M is getting ready to write a comment soon to respond to the above that she has not read yet while upstairs watching Lance and teasing Republicans on the tagboard.
"More heat or more rain?" 613 pm
I know M, the paralysis sets in like hemlock was going into the veins of Socrates
especially when its hot out
while time accelerates
while we get depressed about the inevitability that all this consciousness will be gone or does it also get recycled within the earth and universe?
Full moon and Mars closer to the earth than it ever has been??
Last night Muffy and I laughed about all these coincidences while I rode her premenstrual roller coaster. News from the boob tube:
The large shark caught after the deadline that would barely squeeze into Muffy's living room,
the pit bull dog that destroyed a woman car in its quest of a tomcat,
the talks of medication or not for children with ADD?
all of these coincidences flowing together almost wierdly phrophetic about the ebbs and flow of time.
Muffy sees that he's comfortable and asleep with apparent sexual arousal.
Garvald wakes up with her screaming at him that it's
"TIME TO GET UP. BUFFY NEEDS TO BE LET OUT! YOU NEED TO FEED HER!
YOU ALWAYS GRAB AND WANT TO PULL ME DOWN THERE WITH YOU!
Later in the evening, she starts in on him,
"I don't get angry at anyone else but you. You just get on my nerves!"
I am afraid to answer knowing that anything coming out of my mouth will be twisted around more than the Spanish Inquisitor demanded the soul and body of her victims. Imagine if the inquisitor, in her religious robes, in her prementstrual low blood sugar balanced anger, felt justified, while her nostrils inflated more and more at the vicim's "clueless" stupidity only accentuated by natural herbs. It seems like depending on the brand it only accentuates her low blood sugar balance. I am desperate to feed her before she predictably roars,
"When are you leaving??"
" I only want to help you andI can see your career blossom, honey chile!"
"This nicorette is not working. I need a cigarette!"
"Can you just listen to me for a minute, even while you smoke?"
"NO!!You ramble over and over about the same things! I'M tired of listening to you!"
TRANSFERENCE TO 3RD PERSON WHEN DEALING WITH CONSTANT TRAUMA:
He slumps onto her leather couch and sighs, reaching for his herb which sometimes only makes things worse,he thinks. Garvald turns on the TV and hopes she will cheer up. He is excited about a good conversation that Muffy had with her daughter for over half an hour on the phone.
They go for a walk taking their child who she incessantly nags him about. Even though his checking accounts are very low, he wants to help her with college with a loan or just let her work for him since he is intimidated and overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork he has ahead of him in the next few weeks of this fastly disappearing summer...lulled into just laying on the metaphoric hammock for a couple of weeks... the female species sees this drone lying in her fragile web not bringing anything home but herb...she wants to either eat it for nourishment or send it off to gather some honey
She blows a gasket and starts screaming at him at a lower octave than the social chairman of the neighborhood he temporarily escaped from. He walks away with Buffy avoiding the controversy for his own sanity and safety as his heart approaches the half century of beating outside his mother's womb, while she storms back to her home.
Garvald follows her like a rejected puppy dog, frustrated that the more he tries to please her, the angrier she gets at him. Her daughters father is the opposite of him. Why is she attracted to such a wimp? She thinks....
What do you think???
He worries about her response and decides to escape again to the Broadway Cafe in Westport and his friends of moral support at the Buzzard Beach.
while she goes off to work,
"You clueless fool!"
If he can quit prograsstinating
afraid to know when his reality check will get back home, he tears himself up with indecisive paralysis while pecking a little more on his metaphoric cave walls perhaps for other generations to see??
the ADD Neanderthal...
How did he survive, as nearsighted as his genes were?
Is it safe to be home tonight ???
or will she menstruate before she goes into the white widow stage of gathering up her stored up venom to lethally inject him
with her perspective
of what an irresponsible bum that he is!!!#@%^&*...
11:20 listening to letterman and afraid to go downstair for the negative vibes to be so thick
"a wierd boyfriend!"
"What?" while the fan roars and frustrates and doesnt help his ability to focus. She talks of him and walks out anytime he wishes to talk. He cannot relax. The guests sense it too and feel uncomfortable. She will read this and blow a gasket, but hopefully after Aunt Flo comes to visit.
2:16 almost ashamed to write for fear of some sort of retribution for airing my innermost thoughts....paranoia that people dont want me to succeed or especially be happy from the people that I want to befriend me the most ,
they shun me out of their own selfish desire to have what they want and they rationalize their anger for that person.
My goal tomorrow, (today) will be to gather as much strength from the day..avoid the herb as it only accentuate my stupidity, her low tolerance for ADD accelerated by her own low blood sugar and further imbalanced being that she's at the end of her cycle . I will make it a point of avoiding any negativity and not give her cause for her restricted blood vessels to burst.
Yours truly, Garvald.