Fear of Losing in Las Vegas

So, I have a little more time to write to you on this wild walkabout while searching for my own connections with my inner and outer karma. I was a little perturbed, frustrated(?) at the blog leaving a blank page before going into the prose. Joanne the computer librarian was helpful in changing the template to erase that large space. The Change is cool and shows more prose while being even simpler. Maybe she might help figure out a way to get my counter back? LA, help me!

I have a sense of release and relaxation despite all the tension of losing and winning money back (I lost 30$ at Fitgeralds from about 4-5 am today and lost 70$ at Casino Royale but I was happy to win back 60$ at Slots of Fun before my appointment with you during this cannabized hour at the library after a couple coffees and Kahlua and a Heinekens. I feel like it's happy hour because I get a chance to chat with you uninterupted {as it definitely would be in a conversation with all of you whether you 5 or 60 (?) regular readers are angry, amused, or ,karmically connected with my energy. She rolls her eyes ;)



I still often wake up depressed knowing that I am putting off facing reality in the Okie Zone, but the pressure of having to be back there so early is off. I found a mower for my knee to waist high jungle in the back and front yards. I was able to negotiate with the Mower down to 50$. I was relieved to know that they won't put a lien on my home. I need to get a hold of them to make sure that the mowed yard will suffice and satisfy the neigbors of my street in Jesusland. I wonder who called them up?? Maybe it was the realtor trying to sell the house next door?? I even called all the utility companies to make sure that I'm not delinquent in the bills and called my bank to know about how long I can go with this trip across the ever evolving Americana and first hand encounter with the product of this mixing pot. I was also relieved to hear the personell lady was wanting to get more information for my aplication ( She also loves Buffy. My canine and her bark made an impression in the large cafeteria where the teacher fair was held ;) I need to get some more adresses of the other schools that I worked at. Maybe Charles might be able to look up Luther schools for me.)

I only have 30 minutes to finish saying what I need to say before I make the decision to finally leave Las Vegas back east to drop in on the Arizona schools to feel the vibes some more or head for the beaches of the Pacific to show off my blonde canine. !

Buffy would sure look good on this film/docu mental ary of her life and co-adventures with Garvald. I can see her looking at the sun setting over the western vista. I could make the sun huge. Her svelte blonde lioness muscles and body will be outlined against our star of energy while sinking into the horizon of clouds and water.

Brad Pitt has a place on the beach. Angelina is going for a walk and spots her.

"May I pet your beautiful dog?"

"Why, of course, Ms. Jolie!"

"Her fur is so soft and she is so well behaved for a puppy!"

"Thankyou, I take her with me everywhere so she is used to all different types of Americans and tourists from all over the world! I give her flax seed as much as I can remember for her beautiful skin and fur. Feel her against your face."

Her goddess face rubs against the fur of her back and her large sensuous lips kiss the canine. Garvald envies the affections given to his puppy. She looks deeps into his eyes while he is thinking these lustful thoughts and her eyes melt him into the sand.

"Wow, really, Garvald? My son loves her so much. Look at the way she loves to be petted by him! Maybe you and your dog could take a trip with us around the world and have your dog serve as the mascot for world peace?"

she rolls her eyes at his delusions

Saturday:

A homeless was just woken up nearby by security here in the library while he was reading a book.

I have about 50 minutes to chat with you again pro grass tinating with the last little bit of the small investment in the herbal motivator to write!

I'd like to explore more about how this city has risen out of the desert based on the illusion of winning, the catalyst being Bugsy Siegel when he created the Flamingo. I am relieved to know that I have an extra night at the motel for only 40$ and was able to get 30$ during the week. I went to bed early last night not even in the mood to gamble frustrated that I only had 5$ in comps from the Casino Royal when I had been playing for several hours at craps the day before and lost 70$...enough to buy a large piece of pretty good lasagna from the little pizza store inside the casino.

I'm still on a slight pychological roll having won 59$ at Slots of Fun. They have only the table where the minimum is only a dollar until it goes up to 2$.

I'm actually buying into the illusion that I will win some money. This illusion has fed this huge city with millions coming to work building this casino's with some fantasy that people including myself buy into. We are all seeking some sort of escape but this place is based on greed of winning money. Our senses are overloaded with all the sights of vast amounts of money. The government is being run into the ground by Bush and corporate greed while Vegas will never run out as long as folks want to gamble.

Muffy is wondering how I'm investing in this wanderlust and felt like I was holding out on her. I've actually been doing this vacation pretty cheaply considering that I've lost only about 200$ for a couple of weeks of gambling. That's a pretty good investment for all the free drinks, food and of course entertainment! 30$ a night is very cheap for a motel. If I took a date for this trip, I would have had to spend more than twice the amount. I will continue to share entrees especially when both us can eat comfortably from it. Yes, I am a cheap bastard and wonder how other folks (of the opposite gender;) that take from you all the time can pass judgement on the ones that want to be frugal. By, the way, I'm sure that it was her friend that remarked about my frugality. She and her husband went out with us and saw us share the meal at the Japanese restaurant. I spent over 60 bucks for food, drink and desert that night in Westport but I'm still called a cheap bastard. Well, when this bastard loses or wins 60 bucks at a casino, he then can eat and drink free depending on the hospitality of the casino. Most of my relationships have called me cheap except for Alene yet I would end up paying for mostly everything.However, I do apreciate Muffy getting a good deal on underwear even when she "didn't like" me about a month ago.

If Bush were actually more like Scrooge, we would not have not wasted 250 billion on this war and we might be able to figure out a way where everyone could buy into a health care program! Are there no work houses? Are there no prisons?

Speaking of prisons, I think how much money we waste arresting a homeless person for having an open container and our taxes are paying for us to lodge this poor victim of these Vegas Nazis.
This poor bloke was arrested for doing what plenty of others do all over the strip. Because he looked like a vagrant. I chatted briefly with this homeless lady who was a friend of his. She told me that she was a registered nurse and just lost her husband and her leg was in need of medical help. I saw her a few days later. Her own dog was gone, but she had her leg looked at and she was able to get a job!

Vegas does not treat the indigent well but there are certainly a lot of them just like downtown Boulder, Colorado. Boulder tolerates them better and at least doesn't continually harass them like these bicycle cops do for nothing. There is definitely a contrast in the attitudes of the people of both cities.

Sunday:I was just booted off this computer but I still haven't left. I won some $ early this am for a change. I might go to California!

Monday 5pm
It's funny how when you have even just a couple of really good hits of the herbal motivator how much more you feel inclined to write!

Two weeks of this rut of continually in the mood of trying to win the money back, almost knowing that you will never win the $ back but just hoping that you will be the one that's different and have found out the system for winning it back whether it's 21 or craps.
Started it with only a certain amount and of course planned on leaving when I lost half of it betting on the no pass and co come spot when the table is hot with ladies with lucky hands.
Why not go with the flow, Garvald, instead of being the only one of 30(?) players on the don't pass regardless of the mean looks when you say "7" prophetically when you almost know that will be the number rolled. Still you are enticed almost morbidly with your own sense of doom that even though there is a 2-1 chance of getting the 7 before the 4 will you still lose the almost very last 9$ of the chips. You want a seven but dare not say it and then out rolls 2 2's.

"Four! Take the don'ts and pay the pass!"
He says with relish, happy that you are leaving a busy table almost as if he doesn't want your bad vibes from the dark side to invade the table anymore and scare half the table away with your bad luck.


Some days I feel lucky. I go to sleep and it's another bad day when you know whichever side of the line you go, pass or don't pass, the dice will be against you.

Now, I only have 100$ burning a hole in my duck tape wallet thoughtfully given in jest to me from Muffy a year or so ago when she saw how I kept one of my old favorite black wallets together with the most useful tape to Garvald and others of like conciousness in the cheapnick crowd. (she rolls her eyes at what he might think is great writing)

"Your writing is the same as usual. Nothing even worthy of a comment by me."

Sometimes, my most favorite time of the day is finding the free library where I can jest back with you my audience or even narcissitically look back at some of the eloquences and think.

"Hey! That's not half bad! Puff, Puff, pass."

I sure miss the schwaggers and Muffy (she sometimes actually enjoys my dry sense of humor that can make light of the what ever it that might be getting us upset). I miss these schwaggers of an ecclectic crowd that are not afraid to be a little different and so therefore are much more accepting of others that are into trips a little off the beaten track . There is that schwagatopic feeling in the land of The Schwag. Last night on TV, I was listening to this young (mid to late 20's?) female free spirit spending a week in Frisco and the bay area checking out all the sights as a traveller would and really absorbing the culture almost as I would want to, but of course I would be the filmer and the filmee in this gonzo journalism fashion where I might be part catalyst to whatever is going gone. I was born in San Francisco so I do need to visit this place born of young gold rushers 18 to 25. They were all young and very different and so were very much accepting of others a little different. It's so ironic that here I am talking about others that have differences and I look around almost irritated at this noise when I see that it is a poor minority with an expanded head almost like the elephant man. I'm not sure the person is male or female afraid to look especially when I saw others staring at her (?). My heart also goes out to the homeless or folks that might have had back luck knowing that I could have such a fate. The person is wearing a blue cap and playing the slots on the computer. Wow! There are alot of homeless in this area of Vegas. While taking Buffy for a walk at noon after being woken by the maid, asking if I was checking out,one of two winos(they looked like they might of been hippies in the 60's with long hair, beard and pony tails, by the northern shade of the small building between the alley and acres of cement parking lots) asked me a question.

"Can I pet your dog?"

I walked over to them hesitatingly and also thinking that I had just bathed her last night after throwing her in the motel pool high up on the third floor of motel atrium. The 3 floors of the Daze Inn were surrounding the parking lot almost as if it was a fort in the middle of the downtown ghetto. Other apartment and motel complexes are built the same way with the pool being in the center of the atrium almost as if it is an oasis in the desert.

I had a brief conversation with them answering questions about Buffy's heritage. The only problem is when you engage in a conversation with the poor or even not so poor in Vegas, they always ask for change or money from you. I have made the mistake of giving folks money and they only ask for more (kinda like bartendresses or the casino cocktail waitresses that always expect more tips the more you tip them even when you are losing all your $) Then they pass judgement.

"You shouldn't play then if you can't even afford to tip!"

"I do tip, Muffy. But probably not as much you would like me to!"

On a good note, M, I had a voice message from the Principal at a school in NM about doing an interview on the phone. I could even head back now to NM instead of the side trip to California and visit those schools. It would be such a sigh of relief to continue with the travels with the satisfaction of knowing that my tight bank account will quit dwindling when I go back to work. Everyone will be happy kinda like being with everyone on the pass line. She rolls her eyes~!

Tuesday 5pm

Great hope! This is the last week for schools to hire. The principal at this one high school called me early this morning and I had the interview over the phone. I am so excited and now waiting for him to get in touch with my good references where the principals were happy with my performance. I was very excited to find out that this school has the state chess champions. I think that it helped when I stated how chess helps students with disabilities focus better!
It will be such a relief to finally know that I have work to go to so that I won't be judged by the employed that feel that I'm a slacker! I think that they need a male influence in their lives. I couldn't wait to share the anticipations. Please, let the universal forces be with me on this one!

Then I have fears come just like the fear of losing. I have a fear that they will not hire me after I come through with the elation of possible getting a job.

I was afraid to start gambling last night. I started losing and then started going with the pass line and started winning slowly. I made it a point of only winning my money back and leaving. I splurged eating at the Luxor and all the food was great for 18$. I then finally able was able to get a spot on the long awaited $ blackjack table where I turned 20 into 40 feeling satisfied that I at least paid for the buffet. Then I was so elated to feel like I was connecting on the phone interview very excited about teaching high school students with behavior disorders.

It is the waiting for the call and the fear of rejection that often overwhelms me. I will be so happy If I get the offer so snotty Repuklicans won't look down on me for not working.

I still have this dream of writing a book and the film/documentary of everything.

I know that I will feel better after splurging again on the buffet at Bellagio. I fear what it might cost but I was told by a door man that it is the best. The Mirage was excellent and was supposedly the second best with so many wonderful selections. It tastes so much better when you are hungry!

Tuesday 130 PM:
I'm finally off to Colorado telling the principal of the school that I would visit him and the school tomorrow. I am excited about it. Last night, I had a lecture from my older brother while looking for a parking spot in the Bellagio (the meal,27$ the sushi, the fish, the bass and especially all the deserts were fantastic. My bowels paid for all the pigging out half an hour later.) about how Dad is upset that I don't have major medical. I will look around for a short term plan catastrophic plan that will suffice until I hopefully get a job!
It will nice when fat overfed judgemental Repokristians won't be able to say I'm without a job!

Comments

  1. I like your blog. It's interesting. I'm glad that you fixed your problems with the space on your page. That can be frustrating. Nice to know that someone got out of Vegas during the summer heat ... sigh. I'm still waiting. Enjoy! Joanne

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  2. Thankyou, Joanne! ;) I hope that you get to travel too!

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  3. Garvald, it isn't that I didn't see anything worth commenting on. In fact, here's one: We always share an entree at Matsu, that's not what I meant.
    It's more like, what am I supposed to say to all this except, "Uh, good luck."???

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  4. I hope the Universal Forces of Nature ARE with you on this one, G. You'll be working and having an ADD-venture at the same time, making connections and having insurance. The Forces should be kind to you, you've contributed so much. Your number's about to come up alright, just not out of a sweaty, greasy, greedy set of dice. You will find your fortune, but not when you tempt Fate and bet, beg, coerce, and bargain to roll the "right" number to beat the odds. Nature pays in kind. Muff

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  5. I hope that you are right, M, despite the evil neurotic folks that seek happiness and revelry in your own misery!

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  6. I am doing my best to tolerate this neighbor who has done his best to make my life miserable these past two years.

    I barely come back home to hear this vindictive angry obese violent man say whatever when he starts staring at me.
    He says "Whatever"and looks to his wife.
    "Not talking to you, sweetie"

    I'm sitting peacefully in my front yard with Buffy. He has to show the neighborhood how wonderful he is with dogs. The girl catches her dog. I clap and the obese one flips me off! What a warm welcome!

    Everytime, I look out of my yard
    the military man or his "family" are staring my way or when the fireworks go off, they all stare at me while I walk my dog by. They are all sitting on his hill overlooking the 3 streets.

    I over hear them talking about the state and about me going to this state. They shut the garage door.

    He has held a grudge ever since he interupted a talk with Charles and me with his hot air way far over the decibel level invaded our ears. We were sitting peacefully in Charle's swing on his front porch. Uninvited he intrudes like he usually does on anyone's conversation and wanted to show what an "expert" he was at computers. I told him that I would not talk to even special ed students in this condescending and very harsh manner. He blew a gasket. Now he is trying to ruin my chances for working by saying crap about me to any school district he can. He has the audacity to call me a bum when he doesnt even work himself.

    He has burglarized my house and I made the mistake of forgiving this man. Now he is making it a point to bad mouth me to his new neighbors since moving into his new castle!

    I finally have had enough of his continual crap. He stares at me and I stare back. He comes over wanting a verbal confrontation.
    I cut him off at the pass,
    "Don't talk to me"

    He starts wanting to go in about how he stopped me from getting a job in another state.

    He even wants to bring his mother in the picture next morning in front of my neighbors saying that she heard our conversation in the street and wasn't too happy with it.

    This was the nice special ed lady that I was looking forward to visiting to be introduced to.

    His mother, the sweet lady, had nothing to do with him sucessfully creating hell for me in the neighborhood for the past two years. The only person that she should be upset with is him and the fact that he is a criminal physically threatening me, shooting his gun off anytime of the day, recomending a lousy renter that took over my house, didnt pay the rent and left me with the utility bills, then felt authorized to burglarize me.

    "You have no evidence."
    He says like what are you going to do about it??

    It's interesting how he immediately came over to my house after the cops left after I reported the incident while I was gone. He was just like a middle shool bully would after the victim doesnt have success with the principal.
    "You notice that nothing else is gone!"
    This obviously had him state that he did it but that I could do nothing about it.

    His wife goads him on showing him this site which only he and she have to read!

    I made the mistake of telling him that I would love to work in a state that he went to school in for a year. This was I could actually talk civilly to him even though he has to talk 90 percent of any conversation with anyone. I had made the mistake of forgiving this manipulative social monster.

    "Why dont you go there? My mom has been working there for 30 years!
    It would be just right for you!
    You have an open invitation for dinner there anytime!"

    He always held the carrot not letting me have a chance to talk with her not even giving me her number so I could call before I headed out to this state. Instead he holds the carrot.... then he blows up before I am leaving town.
    Apparently when he flipped me off the day I got back he told he was angry for the way I talked to him. Charles was there for the whole thing to see him lose it and rip up my paper.Anyone else would have physically fought him for that disrespecting that human being the way he has numerous times with me.
    And this emotionally disturbed bum has the audacity to say that I was slighting him for not wanting to listen to his hot air about computers!

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Please Lord, get my ass in gear so that I can focus on the future for our family!