The Ebenezer Spirit of Fiscal Conservatism

I made it safely to a much bluer city...It's nice to feel different vibes and get away from the volcanic activity and be where I am loved. I celebrated the beginning of the 50th year (I'm 49 ) with Muffy and a glass of Muscatel (?) called "My Sweetie", saving the Oklahoma bottle of "something Fork" (?) after I bought it coming back from my last trip to KC. Maybe today can sort of a an Xmas greeting card to all my friends and mmies. I'm wishing good will to mostly everyone, maybe even the angry folks that misunderstand me and I don't fully understand their redneck behavior of violence and narrow minded thinking.

It is such a gorgeous day and I feel like driving around KC today. Muffy has to work so I will do my best to not become bored and make the most of the Holy days after my release from being incubated in Mom's womb and the celebration of Jesus's birthday (when it's really the beginning of the winter soltice and a substitute for that pagan festival) Maybe she and I will discover some pagan festival and join them in their discussion with the Gods. (I'm kidding, ok!)

I am trying my best to keep my sense of humor yet not get on Muffy's nerves with the silly jokes. i.e. I was buying brekkie for my hypoglycemic love interest.

"Keep the Change"

I said to the Schlotsky window man when there was only one penny change thinking of Tom Hanks in the movie "Terminal".
She yelled at me and said that was an insult and wanted to give him all my car change that I leave for the toll takers. I told her that I was just trying to be funny or maybe it would have been more appropriate to say,

"Hey mate, no worries about the change"

But then it would not have been as funny. It's all about timing. Not making that can save countless hours of labor from minimum wages workers and CO poisoning from being way too long breathing car exhausts in a drive thru! Cashiers have to break open 50 cent rolls so they can make pointless change! Pennies have not been in existence for several years in Australia!

Wow. She will be rolling her eyes and tell me to smoke weed or I will say things that are not funny and make a fool of myself in front of strangers or insecure little bartenders.

The libraries in Kc give you 2 hours of internet but I just want to drive around the country on this gorgeous day and maybe find a friendly pub to partake in the happy hour rather than stay depressed?? I also need a swim at the Y but feel too lazy too exercise or if there was an extra pair of goggles??

Well now it's the next day and I'm so absentminded that I did not put the stash in the right place (the stuff was with my photos and I stupidly left the photos in the restroom. Now the photos were there but the elvidence has mysteriously disappeared. My absentmindedness puts me into real predicaments. In some respects I used to recheck and recheck to make sure that I had not forgotten anything often taking me a few hours to finally have everything that I think I need and I still forget stuff. I plan on making out a list and then missplace the list. I don't think and plan ahead about situations or especially with middle school age kids. I think where I try to do good, it only seems to backfire on me. Muffy was seeming to get tired of me yesterday when I was buying her schlotsky's sandwich. I came all the way to KC for two days to get away from shit and shit's gonna be everywhere you walk sometimes so do you eventually learn to save it for fertilizer?? Maybe something will blossom out of the turds. Are the only places that you can avoid anger and hate are far away from humanity or they only in Schwagatopia?? I don't even want to go into the details realizing that so many see this site and it will only give them ammunition to say that I shouldn't be teaching. I suppose all of this would not be a big deal if the weed was made legal. Well, maybe I have a purpose??

I decided to do something productive today and Muffy wanted me to at least check my brakes but it's the tie rod ends that need work. With my life time brakes warranty at Firestone, they'll at least check them and try to help muffle the screaching sound (often louder than an angry redneck!)....
I walked a mile to the library to to say hello to everybody and just be brutally honest with my own frailties and shortcomings. It was nice that Muffy finally was able to talk to Dad in Australia telling him how honest and upfront I was with her about my short and long comings. Maybe my brother and his wife have already read the site and that's why Ron didn't call for my birthday as he always has in the past. (oh well :(

It doesn't really even bother me that she wanted me to go. It seems that I often just chalk my failures as "another one bites the dust" and maybe eventually learn but I am so stupid and such a slow learner. How will I survive into old age gracefully when my own absent mindedness and disorganization gets me in trouble.

I do things to save money, like buying postal scales just to make sure that I won't get ripped off and the one time my vehicle is searched, there they are and so the cops want to say that I'm a pusher when I have never sold any and had about a 1/16th of an ounce. If I survive all this and organize it all it might be funny enough to sell a few copies. We looked at camcorders the other day and a really nice one with tripod and everything is selling for $440. I become hesitant and worry about the money but for a moment I am feeling good with myself and about to buy it. I chicken out on my impulsive mood and put off doing something that will be good for myself.
A documentary of either my downward spiral or how many hard kicks in my ass will it take for me to get my shit together.

I was almost too embarassed to mention the loss to Muffy fearing that it would only widen the schism between me and her daughter. I do not want to go into how far children will go to mess with you if they don't like you and will generally always succeed in making the man look stupid or evil to the mother. I look like an idiot to her and seeing her and other friend just sniggering or laughing at me when I walked in last night waiting for Muff to get off work. If the kids don't like you, you should realize that the relationship won't last. If the mother doesn't like you there isn't much chance either. So you think what is the point of even pursuing a relationship when you only want a friendship without any point of commitment when the relative (s) will do anything to sabotage the relationship if they don't like you.

When I saw the stuff gone from the Walgreen envelope, I thought that this will blow up if I mention it and I'm generally psychic when I feel like shit is gonna happen. (someone out there will say that I need therapy...duh.) So I mention it and it brings it all out into the open and it only brings out a can of worms and more confrontation. I can't sleep and Muffy would just prefer if I crashed on the leather couch.

Now the daughter was angry and confrontational with me for the first time. I just said that it was in the envelope and now it's gone from that envelope that I was stupid enough to leave in the restroom. Another one of my blunders. How would my ancestors with my problems have survived when they kept forgetting things? They wouldn't and I would have been so myopic without glasses. Cavemen didn't have glasses let alone laser surgery!
(I will be so happy when it's legalized, even if I have to wait until I'm 90, I will be writing letters to congressman about how it is far less harmfull than even a couple of beers. The last 2 presidents and I even think Jimmy Carter smoked it. Most likely Ronald Reagan or Gerald Ford didn't have any. So what's the big deal?)

Well at least I beat Muffy in scrabble last night probably I wasn't smoking. She even had a 50 point bonus for using up all her letters but I caught up using up all my letters and getting some triple word scores! Maybe that was her birthday present before she kicked me out after her daughter's insistence and her disrespect for me being lazy and not making a serious effort to go back to work. I think what is the point of going to work when you will get fired or forced to resign because your female bosses don't like you and get on a vendetta until you submit to them. Last year the psychologist would come into my room and spy for the principal and the emotionally disturbed director (all females). They decided to pick on my IEPs and lesson plans when the other special ed teachers were not keeping their IEPs and lesson plans up to snuff either. They even docked my pay for 2 days so I could observe other teachers that were not under the same scrutiny that I was. Their IEPs were far from perfect and did not have to have Kansas benchmarks for every item of the lesson! (Some other time, I will really get into that).

I realize that there is no real hope of a long term relationship when there is too much anger for me to want to stay in it.

WHY DOES SO MUCH ANGER SEEM TO PARK ITSELF RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO ME? I KNOW. IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S ME.

Maybe I should have just stayed home and not even ventured out in my car. I could have bought a little cake and a candle and just hibernate. Wow! How pathetic.

And then I think, that there is hope in the world and to go ahead and start this travel through Jesusland and the United States of Canada instead of just being holed up in a nowhere situation. In 11 years, I'll be 60 which might be too old to be teaching emotionally disturbed adolescents. I will definitely to old then to still be looking for my magical schwagmaiden that apreciates for exactly who I am and all my longcomings. I think sometimes I am so passive in relationships that it is easier for someone else to finally say it's over and then I am momentarily happy that I am free, but then I get depressed about being alone (boohoo! Get out the violin)

It will be fun to interview folks and write on my laptop. I have less than 2 weeks before the new year to really decide. I will make an intinerary of my travels and interview folks about everything from George Bush to why or why not Marijuana should be legalized. I can stay in touch with my lawyer on the cell phone. Maybe I could even write a letter to Rolling Stones Magazine and tell them about this trip and documentary. It will actually fun to let others see this stream of conciousness as you discover the country and the world (at least Australia) for other to see. It will be great to meet other Australian aborigines with my same last Scottish name. (Scottish was the word Muff used when she used all of her seven letters!) My greatgrandfather left Scotland and managed a station (sheep farm) for at least 10 years. We always believed that there were Aborigines with our name until we finally saw the evidence when there was a photo of him in the front page of an Australian paper fighting for Aboriginal Rights. They said they he hung himself in prison. I wonder! It would be so fantastic to go try to find out where they live and interview them and what they might remember about their own ancestry going back over 120 years. I would love to write about the history of our family too when one Scot escapes to Australia and his brother goes to the States to fight against slavery. He was shot while trying to escape Andersonville. Dad is much more interested in finding more about him than going on a wild goose chase in the "outback" looking for Aborigine relatives.

Hey isn't this far more interesting to write about than missing bud and girl problems?







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Please Lord, get my ass in gear so that I can focus on the future for our family!